Thyrants, Week of June 20- 26
Janet Chopack, Dear Thyroid, Thanks for embarrassing me yet again by shutting down my brain cells in the middle of a conver…..uhh?
Cyndi Potts Woodruff, Dear Thyroid—Ugh. Hypo. Recovering from bilateral pneumonia. Two nodules on my vocal cords. Have been on prednisone for 7 solid weeks now. My immune system is screwed. I’m 30 lbs heavier than I was when I was 9 months pregnant with both of my daughters. I’m always tired. Sick of being sick and tired. Thyroid, I hate you.
Sushi Thyroid: Dear Thyroid, Thank you for being involved (though you won’t admit to it) in my ass exploding at work last Friday. I had to text my co-worker of my whereabouts while I had an attack on my poop chute. Apparently, we have digressed back to this time last year when I couldn’t walk a block without the fear of having an accident (which, I’ve had at work and a foot away from my bathroom). It was a fantastic summer of not digesting my food and having to carry matches with me in case I needed to use the bathroom at a friend’s. I’m pretty positive it was you, since I think you also have something to do with all the times I have had to chug prune juice due to the opposite reason. Is there no middle ground? Can’t I have normal poo? Please? And to stop alternating from goose bumps in 80 degree weather, to sweating through even my pants and leaving a wet spot on the chair during a job interview? EW!
Erin Juliana, Dear Thyroid, Thanks for making me loose a RM400 suit jacket.. Now I have matching skirt n pants, but no jacket!! And thx for making me find out that I’ve lost it on the mornin’ of my big product launch event, such a lovely morning surprise!! So, thank you!! And please stop it with the runny eyes already, you’re makin’ my make-up run and making me look like a freaking clown.. You do realise that the press are gonna be at the launch, right?!? You must think I’ll look lovely with smudged mascara and runny black eyeliner. It’s not Halloween yet, but no, I guess I don’t mind going to the event as the cranky gothic executive.. So, thanks again!!Argh!!
Kairol Rosenthal, Here’s my 100 word of humiliation: Dear Thyroid, You’ve eclipsed my social graces in more ways than one. Here’s the worst: You transformed me from a late 20’s woman into a 15-year-old horndog. Were my hormones truly raging or was the emotional dramarama of thyroid cancer playing games with my libido? I asked for a mercy screw from a hot guy I hardly knew. In my apartment candles were lit, guitar was played, and finally the kissing began. He was a flailing fish in my mouth. How do you say Ã¢â‚¬ËœNO’ after you’ve begged for it from the bottom of your little thyroid cancer heart? Horrifyingly humiliating.
Rebecca Louise Duffy, All I ever wanted was to be accepted and be quote, normal, unquote. You just make me feel more out of place and different. I would have done anything for you to have gone into remission for me, begged, cried, you name it. Why did you have to make my life so hard. At 19, I should have been having fun, NOT working out how to remove you from my life
Rebecca Louise Duffy, You are the reason I have to put up with silly one liners like; You’re too young to have a thyroid problem…… Graves Disease is sooo rare….. You always have things wrong with you…… You don’t look ill….. You’re always tired, you need to sleep more….. Can I not be granted one wish. I can accept you are faulty goods, but please can I just have one entire week where I hear no worthless comments like I hear on a weekly basis. I deserve that; don’t I?!
Joyce Jordan Corley, Dear Thyroid, thanks for the brain fog. I got confused and showed up for yoga 30 minutes early, thanks for making me feel like an idiot.
Paula Buckley, I am ok with you today…oh dreaded little pain in the neck…I went to a water park all day with my son and his friend and didn’t need to fall asleep once! I will accept that as a gift!
Morgan Ross Muhly, Dear Thyroid, I would love to curse you out right now. I hate you. I am glad you are gone. I hate that because of you I was in and out of the hospital for much of my son’s first months of life. I hate you because now, every year, for the next 5 years, I have to go through total withdrawal and have radioactive iodine to see if your cells are trying to invade my body. You take me away from my family. I still don’t feel like myself and who knows if I ever will. I don’t even know where you are. Probably in some biohazard bin. That is where you belong. Morgan follicular thyroid cancer survivor
Natasha Kahn, Dear Thyroid – Is it you who has stolen all of my dreams and turned them into nightmares? I never used to have trouble sleeping before you got into your 24/7 party zone. Now every single damn night it’s toss, turn, nightmare part 1, flail, nightmare part 2, toss, blankets off, new nightmare, turn, turn, blankets on, toss, new nightmare, blankets off, etc. Try it tonight and I am going to have you arrested for grand larceny of my dreams!!
Manda Richardson Dear Thyroid, You truly are an embarrassment, the amount of times you have struck me dumb in social situations or let me fall asleep in my food, the times you make me burst into tears for no apparent reason or get shouted at in the supermarket by impatient shoppers who don’t want to wait for me to remember my pin. And I remember (aha, see – I can remember some things!) the time I first attempted making goats milk soap and you made me fall asleep on the floor, only to wake hours later to the putrid smell of burning and a giant brown bubbling mess oozing from beneath the oven door and traveling across my kitchen floor. The mess and the smell was very difficult to explain to visitors for weeks to come. You suck. Love, m.
Madison Merritt, Dear Thyriod, I am 17! Why am I inside my house feeling dizzy and grumpy, when I should be out with friends? Why do I have to cancel every outing with my friends, because my body decided to attach you. When will I be able to go out without you trying to ruin my night. P.S. Jake, Alex, Ale, Mom, Bill, Xochi, and ALL of my other friends hate you and think you are just playing mean.
Latina702 Thxs a lot, I’m gonna keep fightin you, this win is mine not yours.
GetSquirrel, Were you aware that having blood drawn makes me pass out? Couldn’t you have been an x-ray-able problem instead?
Anonymous: Thyroid, you have brought my eating disorder roaring back to life. Fuck you.
lejeal I don’t hate you this week. It’s so weird.
Note: if anyone was left out, please email Katie or Liz and we will be sure to update assssappy! Oh, and please forgive us for the oversight.
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