DEAR THYROID^TM

Hi, it’s me, Katie Schwartz. I have Graves’ disease and Graves Opthalmopathy. Hot, right? Don’t be jealous. And don’t be hatin’ Hyper’s, yo!

How are you? Welcome to the first installation of “Tales From Thyietnam”. This will be an ongoing column. I say ongoing loosely, as it really depends on my Thymentia. If I remember to write it, I’ll post it on Thursday’s. As to the subject matter: thytardaree, the funny side of thyroid disease. I know; who knew there was one?!

This week, we’re going to discuss something me and Liz find extremely funny, some of the searches Dear Thyroid came up on this week. Are you with me? Fabulous. Please note, I have not changed the spelling of any of these words, they were simply too brilliant in their organic state to change.

1. Chronic Ass Disease – I wonder if they’re looking for a meeting to recover from Assholicism. So many live amongst us these days, a few endocringeologists from my past ring a bell.
2. Can you put sugar up your butt? – I sure as shit hope so. Do let us know how many cubes or packets you’re able to shove up that rectum of yours and the ER doctor who removes them to prove you did it. Pictures would be nice, a video would be better. Be sure to ask for a morphine drip. You’re welcome.
3. I ma suffring from thyiroid i want baby -” Let’s break this down together as a family, shall we? First, which short bus did you ride to grammar, middle and high schools on? I’m just thinking out loud here, but if your objective is to procreate, you might want to be a bit more articulate when speaking to your OB/GYN. Just a thought, no judgment.
4. Double chins and thyroid – DUH.
5. Thyroid roller coasters – Is that a new ride at Disneyland, or the one in my head?
6. Her goiter – Turns you on? GOOD.
7. Thyroid running nose – Hey short bus, I think we just found a name for the fruit of your loins.
8. Thermometer constipated or bowel or poo -You need a thermometer to determine whether or not you’re constipated? The distended stomach, burning cramps and inability to shit into your porcelain diva isn’t evidence enough? Conversely, if you’re taking about the thermometer you shoved up your ass, next time, use a condom and some lube.
9. Double ass – Why yes, some of the glandliest dames are proud owners of these double asses, care to take a dip?
10. Vaginas – That’s it? Throw me a bone, baby. I need something,  more to work with.
11. Destroy that ass – I’d love to. Got a plan? Wait; is this an online gaming thing?
12. Vaginas xxx – Finally, someone with a vadge agenda! I don’t think you’ll find XXX thyginas on Dear Thyroid, but thanks for stopping by.
13. Asses sitting on books -Short bus, listen to me; Spawn will not absorb history, English, science or math by sitting on books.   However, and I know this is new for you; you’re going to have to teach him, her or shim,  how to open the book with their hands and use their peepers to view the material. As to their ability to retain said information, well that’s a fuckin’ crap shoot, ain’t it?!
14. My poop is thyroid – WAIT – “You have mastered the ability to thyroidectomize yourself via shitting? You must pass along your “How to Guide. This is a great money saving tip for us.
15. Who coined the phrase shit a brick – Good question. Don’t know, but I did find some rather stupid definitions of “Shit a brick” at the Urban Dictionary that I think you’ll enjoy.
16. Beauty vaginas – You mean pageant ready pussy? Unless, they’re looking for Graves’ riddled thysnatches, I wouldn’t qualify. Damn. I really wanted to be in that pageant.
17. Throids come out for vigina –  Is this a new LGBT parade I’m unaware of? If so, I want all the details right fucking now. I love these parades with a screaming passion.
18. Thyroid under ass –  So, that’s where my butterfly gland has been hiding. I’ll pass that dish onto endogirl during our next appointment. Maybe then she’ll be able to help me with a few of these annoying symptoms.
19. Open vaginas –  Annie Sprinkle believes that the soul of a woman is in her cervix. Is that why you want to see an open vagina? Or, do you think vadge owners and handlers can crack a few open for other reasons? I’m intrigued. I need more dish, drop me a line.
20. Surprise your an ass – Surprise! So, are you. Go out and find the next Assholics Anonymous meeting you can.

And that, my fellow Thyrellas and Thyfellas concludes the first installation of Tales From Thyietnam. Thank you for indulging my thytardaree.

Before signing off, we’d like to be of some use to our dear readers, so here are a few links well worth checking out.

A new article by Mary Shomon was posted yesterday, “Thyroid Cancer Rates are Increasing Better Detection is Not the Only Reason.

On Sunday, July 19^th Kairol Rosenthal will be a guest on The Group Room Radio Show discussing Thyroid cancer and young adults.

Tags: Dear Thyroid Searches, Marco Thylo, thyroid cancers humor, Thyroid disease humor, thyroid disorders humor, thyroid humor, Thyroid humor column, thyroid jokes, thyroid patient humor, Written by Katie Schwartz

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