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Wednesday June 26th 2019


Goiticon And The Half Blood Princess

Post Published: 22 July 2009
Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 11 responses. Leave a comment

Dear Thyroid,

This is Goiticon your sinister sidekick.

I am writing to warn you of difficult days ahead. Forces are aligning to discover our dark plot to destroy The Hostess. She is emerging from her training at Fogwarts Academy of Bitchcraft and Gizzardry. She appears angry and determined to “figure this out… Her increasing knowledge base threatens our powers.

You’ve been masterful for two decades. The calm diagnosis of Hashimoto’s Disease accompanied by a tiny little pill, lulled The Hostess. The gradual addition of one pound here, five pounds there, were the picture of insidiousness. I, Goiticon, and our other dark ally Glucose Prime, particularly enjoyed the way you necrotized day and night.

Thyroid, you helped us re-emerge as an even larger Goiticon after The Hostess barbarically drained us of fluids. You pushed on in the face of Synthroid 100 and now laugh in the face of,  Levothroid 125.

But The Hostess is gaining knowledge. She’s begun to suspect that we derive some of our power from white foods. We feed off them and she’s conspiring to cut us off! Her energy levels are up and her weight is down. This is in opposition to all we stand for.

Further, she’s begun to align herself with other forces. Their combined knowledge is working to bring light to the shadows in which we thrive!

But Thyroid, we know you will not surrender. We cheered your victory just Wednesday as The Hostess ate three chocolate chip muffins.

So once unwitting, The Hostess, is now educated, aggressive, and teaming up with others like her. But fear not, The Hostess just turned 40. Soon, very soon, we’ll activate Menopause Prime to join the fight!




(Bio) Rebecca Regnier is an award winning television journalist. She’s writes a humor column and a diet humor blog. Read more about her and visit her blog here…

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11 Responses to “Goiticon And The Half Blood Princess”

  1. This was hilarious! You know, this site always makes me smile, or even laugh out loud, but more than that, I wind up feeling affectionate and proud of the writers and the way they handle this with such humor and determination. I feel lucky to have had Katie point me here so early in my own fight against the Dark Forces.

  2. […] In the tradition of Harry Potter, Transformers and giant goiters that ate Toledo have a look. […]

  3. Cyndi Woodruff says:

    This was a very entertaining read!! I must admit to a few chuckles here and there!! I am always amazed at the talented writers we have on this site.
    Thank you for the smiles and giggles!

  4. quin browne says:

    okay, i really have to stop coming here looking for my daily chuckle… i need to be focused on the seriousness of the issue.


    i’m so lying.

  5. sushi thyroid says:

    that was great. Totally great.

  6. Sara says:

    I’m dying! That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time! It’s great to find the humor in all the crap we have to deal with. Thanks for this post.

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