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Self-Esteem?! I’ve Got A Thyawry!
Dear Thyroid,
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t always tired or getting regular headaches. I’ve always had weight issues and have noticed at times, definite declines in my mental abilities. Consequently building up any sort of self esteem has been a long hard road for someone whose self esteem was tied up in mental ability and who was regularly being given not-so-subtle hints to lose weight. What a loser can’t get good marks, can’t lose weight, balding hypochondriac.
Was it your fault thyroid? Who’s to know? Certainly it was a major factor at least from the age of 14-15 when I was diagnosed. The doctor said it was the worst case he had personally seen (worst as in longest left without medication, goiter, massive hair loss, bad skin, constant weariness, cold cold cold;in the tropics!). But I was taught not to complain, so I didn’t and so the disease had steadily progressed to this point. My battle didn’t really end here though. Because I had such low self esteem and had been taught not to complain, I didn’t ask questions, didn’t want to make a nuisance of myself and basically didn’t really think I was worth the trouble. Also with a shot memory, I didn’t remember anything he told me other than to take a pill every day.
I’m not one for holding grudges though, and I have this to say to you:
The battle is not yet finished and I thank you for providing another mountain for me to climb. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. This is the motto I live my life by and so far it has worked all the best things in my life have come after, and as the result of a hard decision and a battle. Without your stunt, dear thyroid, I would never have discovered all of these wonderful, supportive people who are willing to share what they have learned. I would never have dug any deeper than “Body for Life” as far as food nutrition goes, and everything I have learned so far would have helped me, even if you were still working. It would never have occurred to me that what I was putting into my body, was also making me ill. I wouldn’t have learned about the way the human body works. I wouldn’t be able to help my mum who has recently been diagnosed and my brother who I suspect is in the same boat. Learning how you are affecting me in so many ways gives me relief you can’t imagine it means I’m not a faulty model, I’m as worth the trouble as everyone else. I’d say you are a large part in me learning forgiveness and the wonders it can work.
Would love to keep writing, but started writing this before going to work and I REALLY have to go ” hmmm can I blame my poor timing and tardiness on you? Hehehe, yes that may be stretching it a bit far.
I’ll just leave you with one last thought, dear thyroid: don’t feel too badly, it was genetics that caused all the trouble, not you. We’ll eventually find a way to get all the things done that you were made to do, in the meantime, remember I still love you and will keep you around for company.
Love,
Jody.
(Bio), I am a 33 year old Australian. I am not married and have no children;yet. For a living, I am an office manager and when not working I am studying towards a Bachelor of Commerce (Financial Planning) and managing my holiday rental. Goodness – that sounds so much more orderly than the reality!
Tags: Dear Thyroid Community, Dear Thyroid Letters, epistolary series, letters to thyroid glands, letters to thyroidectomized selves, letters to thyroids, thyroid blog, Thyroid disease support, Thyroid patient letters, thyroid support
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15 Responses to “Self-Esteem?! I’ve Got A Thyawry!”
Leave a Reply to Susan
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wow jody, other than the time of diagnosis, you sound so much like me. i was in my 30’s. i too was very bad off. and like you, a huuuuuge number of family members are also afflicted. i used to crank the heat up, put on a full set of tracky dacks, wrap in a blanket and still shiver. my skin was a husk, not skin. it really was a vindication and validation to learn that i wasn’t the reason behind the weight and the fatigue and all the issues. we get diagnosed, we get smart, we get educated and we get determined. i salute you!
Hope you lost the weight. That was the hardest part for me. Now I’m back at 124 lbs, which is great. It is true that it opens your eyes to nutrition (I use to eat everything and anything before I started treatment and would lose weight, now I’ve learned I cannot eat a ton of carbs) It wakes you up to what you are putting in your body. In the long run maybe it will be healthy for us..since every other part of our bodies benefits from the better eating! Could be a positive in some ways!
And looking for orderly, as I’ve learned with thyroid issues, is not really possible. Just have to be flexible enough to roll with it and not get too stressed..because that causes problems too! HAHAH.
Oh, and blaming the thyroid for our bad behavior..what the hell, we deserve a break once in a while for all the suffering!
It makes me wonder Jody- at the age of 10- I was in size 10 1/2 “cubbet clothing”…The weight gain at that time was fast- much like the gain of 40 pounds 5 years ago, which prompted me to go for DX and was told I had a multinodular goiter with hypothyroidism …Thinking about self esteem- You are right on about the lack of that ever so precious feeling…I always felt as if I was listening to the beat of a distant drum! At 54, I have entered into a stage of self realization-I do lots of soul searching. I am actually losing the weight-food is not a comforting agent …I truly believe this is happening because I have unselfishly put myself first in my life. My latest mantra is:
” I can only please one person at a time and today I choose ME.”!!
Thanks for your insight!
Thank you so much for sharing this with us all Jody.
I just wanted to wish you all the best with your health in the future. I do understand hun. I really do.
XX
Jody;
First things first … YOU’RE AUSTRALIAN! *computer high five* I hadn’t seen any Aussies around here since I’ve been hanging ’round.
Secondly: I love the attitude that you have towards your thyroid, that going through all of this has taught you about yourself and your body and you aren’t holding grudges against your thyroid. I hope to be like that one day also.
Thank you for sharing your letter!
x
Thanks all 🙂
Such nice responses! It’s (again) nice to know I’m not alone.
Thank goodness for the internet or I suspect I’d still be in the dark.
*computer hi 5* back at you Rebekah – I always do a double take when I come across Aussies on these sites too.
It is so true about the not complaining and just letting your symptoms slide. You voice your concerns but no one takes notice until they are blaring and yelling for the doc to take a look at these. No, these are not just symptoms of getting older don’t you remember I told you about them years ago and now I’m a sobbing mess. the weight is there and I’ve resigned that it is never coming off.
I think when our symptoms go untreated they develop into other autoimmune diseases, too. I think my mom has thyroid, too, but the doc refuses to treat her for it and will only treat her for Fibromyalgia. Now, if he would have treated her thyroid would her fribromyalgia have developed? If you treat her thyroid now how much of the fibromayalgia would be taken care of?