DEAR THYROID^TM

Dear Phantom Thyroid,

I’m sorry we never got to meet.  It would have been nice to grow up knowing you.   I think we could have been great friends.   Let me thank you for all the things you HAVEN’T done for me in the past 30 years.

You could have helped me from always being the fat kid in school, no matter how many sports I was in and how much I dieted, nothing worked.  We could have been, one hot girl, but, NO!  You didn’t even give me a chance.   You bailed out while I was still in the womb.   Bitter? Maybe a bit. No, I can’t lie, A LOT.

You could have protected me from so many things.   The doctors told me that because of you, I would never have children, which I was okay with, but then, oops! And right before my 21^st birthday.   You know all that weight that was already hanging around because of you anyway, right? Add another 60 lbs. and 9-years later I’m still stuck with most of it.  Thanks for not being there for me.

I’ve been on medication since I was 2 weeks old. Levotheroxine they call it. HELL is what I call it.   Having 3-5 seizures a wee, smashing my head against really hard walls, floors, tables, toilet paper holders (very dangerous and sharp objects),  and falling down stairs.

The doctor told me I have epilepsy. I know I don’t.   Anti-seizure medications didn’t stop them. The seizures only happened in the early morning, right after waking up from overheating in my sleep. Overheating that was caused by YOU not being there for me.   Finally, I found a doctor that would listen to me and he switched me to Armour.   Now, I have protection from all the things you aren’t around for.   Thanks for not being there for me.

My hair used to fall out in chunks and my eyebrows look ridiculous, thanks to the thinning of the outer sides.  Yep, once again, it’s your fault.   Sleep.  Seriously, I really just,  need 8 hours. Why, sometimes I sleep for days, only waking to,  drink some water,  and crawl out of bed to use the restroom. Not enough energy to even grab something to eat?   Why sometimes insomnia that lasts for days? Why did you do this to me? And let’s not forget about the brain fog. SERIOUSLY?!?!  What’s the point?? I feel like half my life is spent in a Charlie Brown cartoon and the voices are just WAH-WAH-WAH.   I hear the words and I know what they mean, but it doesn’t make any sense. And after the 2^nd and 3^rd time of asking people to repeat themselves and I still don’t get it, they think I’m stupid or retarded.   And I’m not. Thanks to you, people think I am. I’m actually pretty damn smart when given the chance to prove myself. Thanks for not being there for me.

Thanks for the depression, bipolar, attention deficit, and obsessive compulsive disorder. All these I’m going to blame on you. Anxiety, I can blame on my genes, but the rest is all on you, buddy!!!,   The several suicide attempts as a teenager are all due to your absence. I’ve never been happy. I rarely ever smile. There aren’t many things worth smiling about, my beautiful daughter and my amazing and understanding fiancée.

Sometimes it feels like there is no light in any direction. I’m stuck in a thick dark space. Like outer space, but with no stars.   I can’t pay attention to anything for more than a few minutes.   I sometimes get,  so obsessed with the neatness and orderliness of small details that I let the big important stuff go untouched. Seriously, who cleans their house for 24+ hours STRAIGHT???

And the times I’ll just burst into tears for NO REASON.   Someone will say “Hi” to me and I cry for an hour until my eyes are as dry as a desert, and can’t produce another tear. Thanks for making me take,  different drugs for all these problems, just so I can exist and be a productive human being.   And don’t think for a moment that this isn’t having any affect on my perfect little girl.  No,  one should see their mom go through this stuff. Thanks for not being there for me.

Constipation, heat and cold intolerance, feeling like I’m going to pass out from heat exhaustion, my raspy voice, unquenchable thirst for water, constant body aches, carpal-tunnel syndrome, no interest in anything like hobbies or other activities, sex drive, mood swings, insanely bad menstrual cramps (especially when I was a teenager), and hypoglycemia, are just a few more things I can thank you for.

I’m sure there are more that,  I will think of after,  I send this off, but I will leave it at this.  So, as a parting note: Thanks for nothing and everything. Too bad we never met; I think we would have made a great team. It would have been nice to know what it was like to be normal.

-Evita-

(Bio) I am Evita, a 30-year-old, and mother to a wonderful (almost 9) year-old little girl.   I was born without a thyroid gland. I was born in March of 1979.   Had I been born at the other hospital in town, this story would have had a much different ending. I am currently residing in Austin, TX, I’m just trying to survive and make it to the next day.

Tags: born without a thyroid, Dear Thyroid, Dear Thyroid Patient Letters, Thyroid disease support

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