Thycancereally?! I Thought We Were Glanding Along
I’m not even sure where you are these days. Part of you is possibly still on a slide at the Mayo Clinic. Oh, that sounds kinda important doesn’t it?, But that’s when we knew our relationship was going to end. When part of you went there, I got the pathology report that would change our lives. It was sort of a “Dear John” letter from you, my little Thyroid wasn’t it? It said:
Female, 29 years old presents with Stage III papillary/follicular carcinoma with orphan Annie nuclei. “Orphan Annie nuclei.” That sounds so cute and innocent doesn’t it? Ha!
I miss you. We had a great relationship once, didn’t we? I let you live in my neck rent-free. I nourished you. I protected you. In return you provided me with a metabolism. It was a nice metabolism once too, wasn’t it?, I had energy. I didn’t need naps. For awhile there, I even managed to weigh under 200 pounds. I thought I looked pretty hot.
But then you weren’t happy and you started dividing your cells all goofy-like. And then you decided to try and kill me. Not cool, Thyroid!, You were even tricky about it. You fooled my doctor during the fine needle biopsy. , And trust me, there is nothing fine about having a 6 inch needle in your damn neck. This, of course led to me having not one, but 2 surgeries to cut you out of my life.
You couldn’t even let go of me easily. You had to wrap yourself around 2 of my parathyroid glands before you were ready to come out. You must have thought that you could stop my calcium production, you sneaky Thyroid. You did manage to give me a good amount of muscle cramps because of that, but I got over it. By the way, calcium replacement comes in chocolate chews!, You know how I love chocolate. I will have you know that I have cracked plenty a joke at your expense, Thyroid while I have been treated, scanned, poked and prodded. So, I guess we both got our last little jabs in.
Without you, I don’t feel so hot. My radiation nurses told me I was “Hot” but they meant “Radioactive” and quite honestly that’s probably the last time I heard “Hot” and “Megan” in the same sentence. Now I have some fancy (and expensive) replacement thyroid hormones. It’s not the same though. I would rather have you. It was good with us once.
Love your former landlord,