The Gift Of Graves Disease
Dear Thyroid Ã¢â‚¬”
I’ve stopped taking my meds. This isn’t a surprise. I know you know this. I want to take them. Really, I do. It just seems like too much. Every night I look at the bottle in my medicine cabinet but I just can’t do it. , ,
After being diagnosed with Graves Disease I took the Methimazole faithfully every single day. The medication worked. I felt better. Then the roller coaster started. I felt too good and I didn’t trust it. My metabolism slowed down and I went up a pants size. For the first time in my life people told me I looked “healthyÃ¢â‚¬. My eating disorder reared its dormant head and I panicked. I stopped taking the meds. You didn’t like this so you punished me and I felt worse physically than I had in over a year. I sort of took the meds again, here and there, off and on. I cried in my endocrinologist’s office. Yes, cried. You were there; you know this. Cried. Me, the ice queen of emotions. The woman who accepts everything like “Oh. Ok… Too many feelings, too many emotions and I shut down. I cried because . . . I don’t know why I cried. My nice, amazing Endo who I trust completely was upset. She knew I wasn’t taking my meds and I disappointed her. I cried because I was overwhelmed thinking that my choice was get fat or stay sick. You know that I will choose you every single time. I will choose to keep you around unbridled and free over feeling well and getting fat. I was terrified but I promised my endo I would at least try. I started taking the meds again.
I think you knew I didn’t trust you, didn’t trust my meds and didn’t trust myself. On the meds I felt so great I began to wonder if maybe I was healed. I was thin. I was exercising. I was diagnosed Celiac and eating more healthfully I have ever eaten in my entire life. My energy levels were up. My body felt well.
I forgot that underneath everything I was fucking miserable and I had stirred up some nasty things when I cried in my endo’s office. You couldn’t leave well enough alone. You stirred up emotions and feelings that I buried years ago. I did not like it. I Did Not Like It!, I DID NOT LIKE IT!!!, Inside I was raging; I wanted to scream and scream and scream. It wouldn’t have done any good Ã¢â‚¬” you wouldn’t have heard me. The emotional pain you’ve brought hurts more than any physical side effect of the Graves. Bring on the racing heart, the palpitations, the hair loss, the sleepless nights. I will take them all over the anguish that is now a constant.
Every day feels like a fucking struggle. The weight of the past year Ã¢â‚¬” the cross country move, the new job, the new city, the death of my grand-parents, the weather, the asthma problems, everything Ã¢â‚¬” has come crashing down on me. The years of keeping my eating disorder hidden have finally taken their toll. I am back in therapy. It’s grueling and painful and I cry every time. I feel beaten. I want to fix myself and heal myself emotionally but there’s so much work I need to do I feel overwhelmed. To your credit you have you have taken mercy on me and shown some kindness and compassion. You have not made things worse. You have given me space to try to heal. For this I am grateful.
I am afraid of you. I am afraid of the medication that controls you. I am always in control; even when I am out of control I am tightly in control. You are the one thing I cannot control and that frightens me. For a while I could handle the surprises that manifested themselves physically but stirring up my emotions was completely unexpected and is scary as hell. I thought everything relating to my eating disorder was in the past and I liked it there. I don’t know if I am strong enough to fight this part of the battle. I thought I knew what I was made of. I was wrong and I am afraid to find out exactly how vulnerable I really am. Please be gentle as I embark on this journey.
I will try to take my meds tonight.
(Bio) , I am natasha (aka @getsquirrel). I am 34 and have Graves Disease. I am a former triathlete, current runner, hiker, and yoga enthusiast. I’ve had horrible asthma since college and am now considered “pre-Emphysema” but I don’t consider it to be a hindrance to my athletic pursuits. The best thing that’s happened to me this year is being diagnosed Celiac – I am learning to cook and I love it!!, , 🙂