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Marco Thylo Chugga-Chugga-Choo-Choo

Post Published: 15 October 2009
Author:
Category: Humor Columns, Thyroid humor column
This post currently has 17 responses. Leave a comment

Before we begin, I should tell you that I boarded the Snatch Express about a week ago. Oh, that’s a lie — more like a month ago. Anyhoodle, I was able to hop on at the intersection we’ve all visited, FuckMyThyroid Lane and PleaseFuckMyDoctorsRectumsWithTrollsDrippingInHPV Way.

Until I’m able to get off the train, sadly, I’ll be ranting like Mrs. Duggar’s vadge begging for a 5-minute reprieve from sending loin fruit down her 18-can-we-please-stop-counting flange cannal.

This week’s searches were rantarific. Shall we begin?

  1. Do you get hungry alot when your thyroid Is jacked?! Oh, you misguided child. The intrinsic beauty of a hyperthyroid or hypothyroid is that all you have to do is smell food to gain weight. You can even be a Breatharian and still blow up, akin to a sphere on getaway sticks. Jealous?
  2. In ass double Speaking for myself, my ass is the size of the World Wide Web and growing. In fact, wherever I’ve been, I’ve made it a point to rectally inhale villages. As a result, I have about six urban developments under construction and several thriving mini-malls. The highways are a bitch, especially during peak traffic times. Hey, I do my best to shit folks out. Unfortunately, my thyroid dictates my analhavior, not I.
  3. Thryme – and punishment:  That would be the correct term,  for thyroid diseases and thyroid cancers. Unless, did you have a better title?
  4. Heart palpitations eyelashes missing: Got Graves’?!
  5. Pickled thyroid: On toast points? Bruschetta? Tossed lightly in gluten free pasta and olive oil? Canibellarella, if you’re going to start giving us semi-thyrecipes, we would appreciate that you go the distance at this point in our relationship.
  6. Orphan Annie nuclei: Great title for the new ginger kid musical, though more apropos titles would be: “Annie’s Orphaned Thyroid: Or, “Annie Gets a New Hair “Don’t” Courtesy of her Hypothyroid, Hyperthyroid,  Disease. Or, “Orphan Annie is Doubly Fucked Thanks to her Thyroid Cancer and No Insurance”
  7. Thyroid jokes:  We’d like to think this concept is synonymous with Dear Thyroid (Side note, if my fucking upstairs neighbor doesn’t stop dragging her large, heavy, severely wooden kitchen chairs across the floor, I’m going to drag my fat ass upstairs and whack the bitch.).
  8. Graves’ disease hot yoga: You mean “Graves disease is hot, yo… Right?
  9. Shake head thyroid: Did you just pop your thyroid cherry? Are you a new inductee into the, as Mary Shomon says, “Thyroidority“.
  10. Lettuce thyroiditis: You mean Robs’ kick ass blog Death by Lettuce.
  11. Sweet virginia pecan pie: Are you having a bake sale and donating all of the proceeds to finding a cure for thyroid disease, or are you donating slices to all of Dear Thyroid’s members? Either way, the pie better be off the fucking hook.
  12. Kick in the vagina: Or kick in the cock. I see someone jumped on the misogynistic express. Have we considered jumping off?
  13. Har har it’s not a screaming hell lemon—Maybe your thyroid disease/cancer isn’t, but collectively we vehemently disagree and you can take your opinions and shove them up my ass. I’m sure you’ll find residence in one of my cavernous dwellings.
  14. Fatty ass: Please refer to #2

Mary Shomon will be announcing the winners of last week’s Thyperimenirific Entries later on today, so be sure to stop by later. We are so excited!

My father came up with a fabulous set up for a joke that we are tying in with a t-shirt contest. You know how we roll on Dear Thyroid. Here’s the dish. Answer the below question as you deem appropriate and post your responses in comments. We will post them all next week. Youse will vote and the winner will receive a t-shirt from the Dear Thyroid store.

How many women and, or,  men,  with thyroid disease or thyroid cancer does it take to change a light bulb?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand GO.

Thanks for listening, loverdeedos.

Love,

Me

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17 Responses to “Marco Thylo Chugga-Chugga-Choo-Choo”

  1. amy says:

    None. We are all too tired, our energy is drained, and our brains are too fuzzy.

  2. Bee says:

    WHAT? would you mind repeating the question ? I got lost halfway thru the sentence after, I think, the thyroid cancer part…

  3. Monica says:

    No need to change it. Those with insomnia would rather keep it off so they can try to get some sleep and the rest are too tired to care.

  4. Joanna says:

    Oh, the light bulb burned out? I thought that was thyroid fog sending me into a new realm of mental darkness.

  5. HD in Oregon says:

    Our endo docs don’t want the bulb changed, they much prefer us in the dark. 🙁

  6. dearthyroid says:

    We’re loving the entries, ladies and gents!!!!!! Great and hilarious and true job, so far!!

  7. m says:

    Oh, we couldn’t possibly change it on our own. There would probably be a specialist brought in to assess the situation, a surgeon saying ‘take it out’, a doctor saying ‘leave it in’, friends would drop by to say ‘it looks fine to me’ or ‘it’s changed already just get over it and move on’. We’d need our family close by for moral support and we’d probably need to log on to ‘Dear Lightbulb’ regularly to purge our pent up feelings of frustration, turmoil and regret at ever setting eyes on the screwy little bulb in the first place;-)

  8. Kathy says:

    Um, I had my light bulb tested.. Even though it’s not working, the electriciocrinologist says that it is working just fine. Funny, it doesn’t feel like it’s working. It’s pretty dark in here. Is it all in my head?

  9. Cassandra says:

    Well you see that depends, how long do you have to listen? It all started when I was misdiagnosed the first of 10 times.. . . …..

  10. Sarina Bray says:

    three doctors three opinions, 2 surgeries, 2 infections, 2 pending cat scans and two weeks for the results, I wish the light bulb would go out for two weeks so I didnt have to think about it, see anyone or worry for two whole weeks, I couldnt even get out of bed today, it was a miserable day times 2………ok tired again back to my blankey and pillow…………..

  11. Zari says:

    Since I was in too much of a daze to either pay the electric bill or notice that it’s dark, I don’t see the point of questions about light bulbs. Besides the ! 131 made me glow in the dark.

    Zari

  12. dearthyroid says:

    YA’LL TAKE MY WIG OFF! These answers are thylicious. I’m howling my ass off and crying.

    I love it! Keep em’ coming. YOU ARE ALL SO FABULOUS, I can’t stand it 🙂

    Love,
    katie

  13. Lolly says:

    Light bulb, hahaha don’t make me laugh, never mind how many people does it take, don’t you mean how many months. Now if I hit that switch one more time I’m going to go fucking crazy, now where’s that damn flower bulb!!!

  14. natasha says:

    Lightbulb?? I don’t need no stinkin’ lightbulb! I just need to channel all my hyper energy into the outlights and it will be brighter than a college student at midterms.

  15. Paula says:

    It takes one, but she never changes it because she’d rather sit in the dark and feel oh so very depressed and special, and it gives her something else to cuss about.

  16. mom2wildthings says:

    It would only take one… if I could only remember where I put those frickin’ lightbulbs!

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