Marco Thylo Chugga-Chugga-Choo-Choo
Before we begin, I should tell you that I boarded the Snatch Express about a week ago. Oh, that’s a lie — more like a month ago. Anyhoodle, I was able to hop on at the intersection we’ve all visited, FuckMyThyroid Lane and PleaseFuckMyDoctorsRectumsWithTrollsDrippingInHPV Way.
Until I’m able to get off the train, sadly, I’ll be ranting like Mrs. Duggar’s vadge begging for a 5-minute reprieve from sending loin fruit down her 18-can-we-please-stop-counting flange cannal.
This week’s searches were rantarific. Shall we begin?
- Do you get hungry alot when your thyroid Is jacked?! Oh, you misguided child. The intrinsic beauty of a hyperthyroid or hypothyroid is that all you have to do is smell food to gain weight. You can even be a Breatharian and still blow up, akin to a sphere on getaway sticks. Jealous?
- In ass double Speaking for myself, my ass is the size of the World Wide Web and growing. In fact, wherever I’ve been, I’ve made it a point to rectally inhale villages. As a result, I have about six urban developments under construction and several thriving mini-malls. The highways are a bitch, especially during peak traffic times. Hey, I do my best to shit folks out. Unfortunately, my thyroid dictates my analhavior, not I.
- Thryme – and punishment: That would be the correct term, for thyroid diseases and thyroid cancers. Unless, did you have a better title?
- Heart palpitations eyelashes missing: Got Graves’?!
- Pickled thyroid: On toast points? Bruschetta? Tossed lightly in gluten free pasta and olive oil? Canibellarella, if you’re going to start giving us semi-thyrecipes, we would appreciate that you go the distance at this point in our relationship.
- Orphan Annie nuclei: Great title for the new ginger kid musical, though more apropos titles would be: “Annie’s Orphaned Thyroid: Or, “Annie Gets a New Hair “Don’t” Courtesy of her Hypothyroid, Hyperthyroid, Disease. Or, “Orphan Annie is Doubly Fucked Thanks to her Thyroid Cancer and No InsuranceÃ¢â‚¬
- Thyroid jokes: We’d like to think this concept is synonymous with Dear Thyroid (Side note, if my fucking upstairs neighbor doesn’t stop dragging her large, heavy, severely wooden kitchen chairs across the floor, I’m going to drag my fat ass upstairs and whack the bitch.).
- Graves’ disease hot yoga: You mean “Graves disease is hot, yo… Right?
- Shake head thyroid: Did you just pop your thyroid cherry? Are you a new inductee into the, as Mary Shomon says, “Thyroidority“.
- Lettuce thyroiditis: You mean Robs’ kick ass blog Death by Lettuce.
- Sweet virginia pecan pie: Are you having a bake sale and donating all of the proceeds to finding a cure for thyroid disease, or are you donating slices to all of Dear Thyroid’s members? Either way, the pie better be off the fucking hook.
- Kick in the vagina: Or kick in the cock. I see someone jumped on the misogynistic express. Have we considered jumping off?
- Har har it’s not a screaming hell lemonÃ¢â‚¬”Maybe your thyroid disease/cancer isn’t, but collectively we vehemently disagree and you can take your opinions and shove them up my ass. I’m sure you’ll find residence in one of my cavernous dwellings.
- Fatty ass: Please refer to #2
Mary Shomon will be announcing the winners of last week’s Thyperimenirific Entries later on today, so be sure to stop by later. We are so excited!
My father came up with a fabulous set up for a joke that we are tying in with a t-shirt contest. You know how we roll on Dear Thyroid. Here’s the dish. Answer the below question as you deem appropriate and post your responses in comments. We will post them all next week. Youse will vote and the winner will receive a t-shirt from the Dear Thyroid store.
How many women and, or, men, with thyroid disease or thyroid cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
Thanks for listening, loverdeedos.