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Thybusive No More

Post Published: 18 November 2009
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Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 17 responses. Leave a comment

Thybusive no more, Thyroid patient letters, Dear Thyroid, Kathy Taylor

Dear Thyroid;

All right, I’ve tried to ignore you like a festering itchy mosquito bite, but you won’t go away. I’ve tried playing the game that everyone keeps telling me, that if I pretend that you don’t exist, you won’t.

I’ve hidden in the bottom of the well, and Vitamin D3 has brought me some of the sunlight that has been missing in my life, but right now I am as flat as a club soda in a paper cup that has been left on the windowsill for a week. Not only am I flat, no fizz, feeling lifeless, I think I am evaporating. What will be left of me when you are done?

My fleshly being continually increases. I cannot bear to look in the mirror. Photographs will intimately know the shredder, and the two shall become one pile of me, in unrecognizable little strips. Don’t bother trying to put them together, I won’t be there.

Oh, I am losing weight all right, but it is not physically, it is spiritually. My spirit has failed to thrive and it is starving itself to death. My soul is hungry to taste autumn, to drink in my family, to try a new recipe for laughter, but when I attempt to eat at the table of life, I have no appetite.

I try to write emails to friends that I have not seen in forever, and you are there to wipe out my mind. I have nothing to say.

Why is it, oh thynemy that you are mean to me most of the time and that I have so much to say to you? But, you, you never answer, you just sit there, staring out the window. Don’t think that when I start to walk away, that I don’t hear your low pitched chuckles.

I’m going out into the real sunlight now, and I will smile and laugh, and force myself to have a soul feeding snack. I may not be ready for a hearty meal, seven courses of tasting the scrumptiousness that is found in every minute of the day, but just watch out, I am going shopping for the ingredients, starting today!

(Bio) Kathy Taylor, 54 In and out of the well, wearing too much black and brown, is waiting to break out the good stuff.

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17 Responses to “Thybusive No More”

  1. Sarah G says:

    My spouse has similar problems with weight control, brain fog, and depression. It’s rough stuff to endure. Keep reaching for that missing joy, though.

  2. Nina Feldman says:

    I’m experiencing a lot of the same debilitating mood and brain fog stuff at 55, but I’m not convinced it’s solely the thyroid, even though it was initially depression symptoms that led me to discover I had Hashimoto’s almost 20 years ago (for which levothyroxine has made a huge difference).

    This perimenopause / menopause thing (which, being more gland stuff, I’m sure intersects with the thyroid thing) for me is like having PMS *all the time.* I comfort myself with the thought that it has to do with wildly fluctuating hormones of the female persuasion, and won’t last the rest of my life…

    As for the increased weight, which I notice in most people in their 50s–including myself–normal thyroid or not: I believe that just has to do with the overall lowered metabolism of becoming our age. I advise focusing on other stuff, like trying to find what makes you feel good (at least temporarily)–massage, maybe?–and not letting negative body image add to your self-hatred. “A waist is a terrible thing to mind.”

  3. Cyndi Woodruff says:

    Kathy,

    First, I’d like to say that your writing skills are amazing. I love the “pictures” your words create. I love that you have the ability to put into words feelings that I have not been able to verbally express.

    Secondly, I hope that we are all able to learn to find the joy….the life we once knew. Instead of this bland, barren, emptyness that now resides inside me.

    Let’s look for the sun…let’s look for the light. We will help and support each other along the way.

    Thank you for the painfully beautiful letter.
    Cyndi

  4. dearthyroid says:

    Sarah, it is so amazing to me that you take the time to research and understand what your spouse is going through! That speaks volumes about you and your relationship. We all wish we had someone in our lives to take the time to care about our disease, health, and well being as much as you seem to.

  5. dearthyroid says:

    Nina, that’s fabulous that Levo has worked for you! So many people have the exact opposite experience. Have you found anything that works to alleviate your symptoms just temporarily?

  6. dearthyroid says:

    Cyndi, we love you! You’re the best! Sooooo supportive! And yes, Kathy is a fabulous writer.

  7. yodat/Jody says:

    Kathy,
    Thanks for your wonderful letter. I agree that pictures you created with your words are amazing. I have learned to grab the bull by the horns a go for it! I refuse to let this disease control my life. There comes a time where you have to kick it to the curb and get going. Funny thing is – I was at a time once where I told noone about my disease and quietly suffered and walked through the day as I was walking through quicksand. Now, I talk about my disease with people and I find myself dancing about my days. It seems to be so freeing talking about what you go through. I am glad you wrote this letter. It helped remind me yet again to kick this thing in the balls.

    • dearthyroid says:

      Really Jody? That’s surprises me because you’re so outspoken (in a good way) about your disease. What made you shift?

  8. Kathy says:

    If I have but one moment of joy every day, it’s gonna be a good one. My computer monitor is filling up with mantras. “Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year” “Giving up is simply NOT an option” “Good times are coming” They sound sickenly sweet sometimes,but it’s a place to start. Maybe if I see it, even subliminally I will start to believe it. For now, one day at a time, I AM trying to kick this disease’ ass. It’s selecting the boots to wear.. polka dotted rain boots..not today.. I’ll be wearing the pointy steel toed stilletos! Take that thyroid! Ungh!

  9. Robyn says:

    Your letter is so beautiful, it makes me feel like it’s a movie in my head. Unfortunately, it’s not a movie–it’s your life! I’ve been to some of these places too. The D3 has helped me tremendously. Not sure about the Levoxyl yet, I just had more blood sucked today.

    I say, shout it from the rooftops. I email one liners to friends, even those I barely have talked to in years, just so I feel still connected and “out there”.

    The brain fog is a fucking killer, though. It’s all right there, but I can’t always access it. I really did think I had early onset dementia right before I was diagnosed, and well, it’s not much better, but at least I know it isn’t *in* the brain.

    As for shoes, this pair of Stella McCartney’s look like they’d pack a nice punch…
    http://onlyhigheels.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/the-real-stiletto-heels/stella-mccartney-fall-2009-04-3/

  10. Nina Feldman says:

    Yes, dearthyroid, I’ve found several things that help my moods, at least temporarily:

    1) Prozac. My best advice is not to be afraid of Prozac or other SSRIs such as Lexapro, etc. Prozac really does not make me feel like I’m “on drugs.” Like thyroid supplementation, it’s more like, “Oh, great, now I feel closer to normal!”

    2) Talking about my experience with others, like we’re doing here.

    3) Wine (in judicious amounts)

    4) Massage

    5) Not overcommiting. Especially during this hectic season: allow yourself to say no to some invitations and just stay home and watch the Hallmark channel, or whatever else you find soothing.

    6) Deep breathing. If all else fails, lie down and take long, slow, deep breaths. It’s okay to listen to music or podcasts or whatever at the same time.

  11. Kathy says:

    oh Robyn, those shoes ARE perfect! What a job I could do with those!
    Nina, I wish that I could take Prozac or some kind of SSRI..It was actually adverse reaction to Prozac that started the ball rolling to getting the hypo diagnosis. Whatever came first..I was being treated for depression and developed serotonin syndrome from the Prozac, and lactic acidosis from an adverse reaction to Metformin. In the middle of a near death experience they tell me now, I was the one who begged for a thyroid test. From that time forward (it’s been well over a year) I have a difficult time taking anything but vitamins and my Levothyroxine. I have adverse reactions to most drugs. It is weird. However, I am using your suggestions 2, 4, 5. amd 6 in large quantities!

  12. yodat/Jody says:

    DT,
    The reason I really didn’t talk about my disease when I was first diagnosed was I felt it was something I did. I was embarassed that I let myself gain weight, get depressed and basically complacient with life. I was a disapointment to myself. Also, I felt why should I have to justify why my skin is dry, hair falling out and just plain tired to people. Just the thought of explaining everything was tiring. Besides – everyone should love me for who I am! What helped me scream from the rafters? THIS SITE! In my neck of the woods NOONE that I know of suffers from Thyroid disease. So, when I bring it up to people half of them go – What’s a Thyroid? After I smack them upside the head I then have to explain what it is and what it entails. Then they shrug their shoulders in a “so what fashion”. SO – this site has helped me in being a little more open about my Hyponess. It has helped me become more accepting of this disease and being able to control IT rather than IT control me. It’s great to have Hypo friends! 🙂

  13. Nina Feldman says:

    Kathy, I feel so bad for you having an adverse reaction to SSRIs; that must have been terrible! I must admit it made me feel pretty strange the first couple of weeks, so I had to raise the dosage a tiny, tiny bit at a time, diluting it in juice. Now I don’t notice anything at all except a lessening of self-bashing.

    The psychiatrist I saw initially was smart enough to do a thyroid test FIRST thing, and I thank him for it to this day.

    Have you tried any other types of antidepressant (carefully, in small doses)?

    • dearthyroid says:

      That’s great that your doc thought to test your thyroid, first and foremost, Nina. Most times we wait around for years until they do the damn blood work.

  14. Lolly says:

    Kathy,

    Sorry I am late in replying to your beautiful letter you have such a way with words that I understood everything you were saying and it made sense.

    I hope you find that recipe for life and have a feast, infact why not throw a thyanquet (banquet) we can all join you, we here for you.

    Lolly

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