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Behold the Reckoning

Post Published: 18 January 2010
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Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 37 responses. Leave a comment

Written by: Jacqueline (Hashimoto’s Patient)

Dear Thyroid,

Why did you take my life away from me? I’m so damn angry that you took a shit on me and left me to fend for myself, not knowing what was in store for what would become my new miserable life! You knew you weren’t right from the very time I came into this world.

The doctors had no clue and you just laid there, silently giving no indication of your diseased state until I was eight years old. Remember that? I started having dizzy spells and I passed out cold in Sears, busting my lip on a shelf on my way down to the floor. I had to have five stitches on the outside and four on the inside of my mouth. Yeah, you left me with a scar on my lower lip to remind me something wasn’t right.

For years I suffered through all your symptoms, all the way through to my teenage years. You were slick when I would go to get checked out by doctors. My tests always showed you to be within normal range, but I was nothing but normal–I was an asshole because of you. My hormones were out of whack and everything in my body was screaming out of control. I started suffering from fits of rage and hostility so severe I blacked out, never being fully aware of what I was doing or saying afterwards. You just sat back and watched me fall apart like I was a crazy lunatic, leading my parents to believe that in my teenage years I was either on drugs or I was manic bipolar. I knew it wasn’t me and yet I was labeled as “crazy” by members of my family due to you. I saw so many doctors that couldn’t make heads or tails of what was going on with me. It was you who finally drove me into a major depression. I didn’t want to eat or sleep. Hell, I didn’t even want to continue to exist anymore. Not that you cared. You just kept doing what you always did best, which was making me miserable and taking more and more from me both physically and mentally. If my parents hadn’t of admitted me into a private facility to get me help, you surely would have won the fight and I would have been left a shell of what I was. I guess you decided to leave me alone for a while after that, because I slowly started regaining my life back again at a normal capacity without any of your antics and feeling better. Maybe it was the prescription of Elivil the doctor had me taking daily.

You became a major pain in my ass when I turned 24, after I had my first child. You made it very clear you were back and weren’t going anywhere. You made sure of that! I slept day-in and day-out for weeks. My energy was zapped,

I had no appetite, nothing. I guess it pissed you off when I didn’t fight back and pay attention to you.

That’s when you decided to pull out the big guns and hit me with your best shot while I was sleeping. Oh sure, jerk, get me while I’m down! My face became swollen and disfigured and soon enough cellulitus took over. I know you started to get really scared when I was rushed to the hospital and you heard the doctors say they were going to take me to surgery and remove your rotten ass out of my body! You got lucky though, ’cause they only took half of your nasty ass out of me and left the other half to torture me even worse. I hate you!

I was once a beautiful woman who did not lack self confidence, motivation or self esteem–let alone to be ashamed and afraid to look at myself in a mirror. Today, at 41 years old, you have succeeded in making me feel the ugliest I’ve ever felt since my body took on a transformation that I don’t even recognize. Why?

Oh yeah, because you can’t do the fucking job you were made to do! I despise you because my life is forever changed and I’m mad as hell! Now, all I have to look forward to is to take a pill every day for the rest of my life to make me feel better, watch my hair fall out, suffer memory loss because my mind goes in a fog and I can’t remember shit, watch my once-soft skin turn into alligator hide, be subjected to body aches and pains, anxiety, sleeplessness, fatigue, temperature sensitivity, unpredictable hot flashes, moodiness–and wait! Don’t forget the weight gain and all the other treats you like to bring. I miss me so much! You were defective so you had to make me defective right alongside of you. Didn’t you? They say misery loves company. Is that what you were thinking when you robbed me of who I was? Well guess what, asshole..Fuck You! That’s right, because soon you are going to be removed from my body and I will be free from you and then be given a chance to feel better.

I will do whatever it takes to get you gone, but you’re history, buddy! Your life is over and hopefully mine will begin again without your presence! Adios and goodbye!

Who knows? I just might throw a party to celebrate your departure! Wow! That felt good to get off my chest! Thank you for listening to me rant!

-Jacqueline

(Bio) My name is Jacqueline Greene, and I’m a 41 yrs old mom of 2 children ages 16 and 9 yrs of age and I’am a thyroid survivor. I have suffered from being Hyperthyroid for 23 yrs undiagnosed and Hypothyroid/Hashimoto’s for the past 18 years. Each day I struggle with the challenges that this disease brings as well as the pain and all of the different assortment of symptoms that accompanies it. Some days are harder than others. Although I have come to tolorate and deal with the fact I will always have this problem in my life, I don’t think I will ever accept it.I can be found under the this username on Facebook: Jacqueline Greene Kosmoski Punta Gorda, Florida

What does Jacqueline’s letter mean to you, whether you have a thyroid disorder or not? Let us know in the comments section.


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37 Responses to “Behold the Reckoning”

  1. Lori says:

    Jacquelie, I am so sorry that you have suffered so much and for so long. It’s heartbreaking knowing that you and probably so many others are going their whole lives suffering like you have and the fucking doctors don’t know how to diagnose it in a timely manner.

    This has got to stop. This is why we need awareness so badly. Doctors need to learn how to recognize the signs and start being more accountable in diagnosing this disease.

    People need to know, not only where there thyroid is, but the kid of desctruction and suffering this gland can cause to a person’s life.

    Best wishes Jacqueline for your surgery and I hope you can finally find some balance in your life from this disease.

    ((BIG HUGS FOR HEALING))
    Lori

  2. Jackie says:

    Jacqueline…when I read your letter, I cried. I could have written it myself. I lost a close relationship with my mother, brother and other family members due to the “craziness” and the rage. I know all about the rage. Ask my husband. He’s usually on the receiving end of it.

    I, too, saw my body change. I know all about that. While we both may be going through some different things, we are also going through the SAME things. Just remember…YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

    If you are on Facebook, friend me. You will find so many great friends on here to help you through whatever you are going through.

    We are brothers and sisters in this disease. AUTOIMMUNE HASHI’S SUCKS ASS!!!!

  3. Dear Thyroid says:

    Lori;

    Outstanding comment, you’re so right, doctors need to be better educated about looking for the signs.

    Beautiful support!

    xo

  4. Dear Thyroid says:

    Jackie;

    So sorry to hear about everything you’ve endured with your autoimmune Hashimoto’s disease and the havoc it’s caused both you and your family.

    Beautiful comment. Thank you.

    xo

  5. Lori says:

    I wish we could correct typos. So sorry I spelled your name wrong, Jacqueline 🙂

    PS: Jackie is right. You have lots of friends here. We are here for the good and the bad. Also, feel free to friend me on FB. Do you have a date for your surgery yet?

  6. Dear Thyroid says:

    Lori, Typos? We love you dearly and never worry about your typos 🙂

  7. Sherree says:

    Jacqueline,

    OMG, your letter made me cry and it made me angry. I understand fully the frustration of not being diagnosed, of being “within normal range” and knowing you weren’t crazy, but somehow you were not normal. Sucks, I know.

    My heart just breaks for you, but I have hope that when your surgery is over, it will be a new day for you and your health. You are definitely not alone.

    Sherree

  8. NS says:

    Jacqueline,

    I loved your letter! I’m so sorry you had to suffer that much, and went undiagnosed for all those years.

    When I was diagnosed at the age of 16, my doctors said I’d definitely had it for a number of years. I felt it, growing up. I just knew something wasn’t right! I can completely relate to your letter.

    And I agree, this is the reason why we need to spread awareness so badly. When I was diagnosed I had no idea where the hell a thyroid was let alone what it does!

    Good luck with your surgery 🙂

    Lots of love,

    Noorulann xxx

  9. Dear Thyroid says:

    Sherree;

    What a great point about feeling so angry and sad and frustrated. Doctors misdiagnosing prolongs the care we need.

    Beautiful comment.

    xo

  10. Dear Thyroid says:

    Noorulann;

    How did you know that you had it before you were diagnosed at such a young age? I ask because you were diagnosed at 16, but felt like something was awry, what do you reckon it was?

    Absolutely agreed, spreading awareness and education to the general population and the medical community is key.

    I think these letters are a wonderful way to spread the word about what patients endure due to improper diagnoses and post diagnoses.

    Beautiful comment.

    xo

  11. Robyn says:

    Jacqueline,

    I’m so sorry it took so long to be diagnosed as well. It is amazing how many doctors (non-endo/non-internist) don’t know much, if anything, about thyroid disease. Of course, medicine is so specialized (few “generalists” anymore) that it’s hard to expect them to remember things they haven’t had to learn about for years.

    Awareness needs to reach the entire population–few docs would miss breast cancer if given symptoms and would refer you immediately to the right people. If awareness in general increases, it will among docs as well, and we all win!

  12. Dear Thyroid says:

    Such excellent points, Robyn. General awareness within the medical community; maybe including new seminars that must be attended to keep your license kind of thing?

    xo

  13. Lydia says:

    Hello Jaquiline
    your letter made cry too, im sorry to hear what you have been through. Your not alone, im 27 and have it too. Thankyou for sharing your story.
    Lydia x

  14. Kathy says:

    Reading your letter made me angry..angry at the crap that we have to go through so long before someone finally figures it all out…Angry at the doctors who just don’t care..Angry at our damned thyroids for giving out..AGH!!! Why is it that WE are the ones who figure it out first? I’m sorry that you are walking through fire right now. Keep writing..we’re here. We CARE!!!

  15. Lori says:

    The majority of patients with thyroid disease in my part of the US are diagnosed and treated by their primary care physician, who practice as internists, general practitioners, and family medicine doctors. You only get referred to a specialist if your doctor finds something out of the ordinary or you fail routine treatments. If you need an ultrasound or scan, they order that also, and don’t refer unless it’s determined a biopsy is needed or other issues needing more than routine treatment or tests. If you see a primary care who also specializes in another area of medicine, they tend to ship you off to an endo sooner.

    So from what I see around my area, we need to target the doctors that see us for our yearly physical examinations first. They are suppose to look at and feel your neck during a routine yearly physical exam looking for thyromegaly(enlarged thyroid gland)but most people are not aware of that. They do not do the “tilt your head back and drink a glass of water neck exam” unless they feel something. I think this should be routine.

    Also many people are shipped to a gastroenterologist when they complain of hoarseness, a lump in the throat, sore throat and trouble swallowing. These should be looked at as thyroid symptoms first, not atypical GERD symptoms.

    But, above all that, across the board, every lab and doc needs to get on the same page with the thyroid results; which thyroid tests need to be ordered and how they are interpreted.

    just some thoughts on what i’ve observed.

  16. Dear Thyroid says:

    Hi Lydia;

    Thanks for leaving such a beautiful comment, very sorry to hear that you’ve had this since you were 27.

    xo

  17. Dear Thyroid says:

    Kathy;

    Beautiful comment! The anger is a bitch and it’s SO REAL AND ALL CONSUMING.

    xo

  18. Dear Thyroid says:

    Lori;

    EXCELLENT OBSERVATION and fantastic points. I agree 1000000%

    xo

  19. amy says:

    Jacqueline, Thank you for your letter. It was so open and honest. I hope that you will start feeling better soon! Now! And have that party!
    Dr’s need to know that it just isn’t labs that matter! symptoms and labs. Ugh. While I was living undiagnosed for only a year because of borderline labs, you lived 23. I cannot imagine. The one year was hell. I barely remember it except for being in a vicious cycle of tired, hungry, and weight gain. You are a strong and brave woman! Best Wishes to you! Amy

  20. I was so sorry and moved to hear about your suffering, Jacqueline and wish you all the best for the upcoming surgery. I definitely agree that it should be mandatory for doctors to attend regular courses – other professions don’t get away with not staying on the ball and we as patients are paying our doctors to do the best possible job – that means keeping up-to-date with progress and new findings in the world of medicine. Doctors these days seem way to quick to accuse rather than diagnose – we are overweight because we overeat or we have a fatty liver because we drink too much alcohol. It’s not always that simple and they should take the time to investigate irregularities without making constant assumptions.

  21. NS says:

    Dear Thyroid,

    Sorry for the awfully late reply! I knew because of my weight fluctuations. My weight was all over the place. And then from the age of 14 till 16 I was slowly gaining weight and I felt like there was nothing I could do about it

    I had muscle aches and pains. severe dry skin. I got quite depressed at times too.

    I had no idea what was wrong with me… I just ignored it all and kept trying to lose weight despite everything. Eventually I gave up.

    Noorulann.

  22. Jacqueline Greene says:

    I just saw my letter posted just now and have read the comments that were left. I’m so overwhelmed by the outpouring of kind words and support that I have recieved I literally cried. For so long I thought I was the ” only one ” and nobody understood what I was going through. Finding this support site and meeting others… just like me, who can relate has helped make a difference in my life! I want to thank all of you for making me feel comfortable enough to write that letter. It is because of all of you who understand and have been there that I was finally able to let go of alot of pain I have held inside for so long regarding this aweful disease. To spread thyroid awareness I sent out links to my letter to over 250 friends and family and asked them to join us in this ongoing fight to educate people and to raise awareness to as many as we can. If your on facebook I would love to add you as a friend! Thanks again and have a feel good evening!

  23. Robyn says:

    Lori,
    I agree, mostly. I was “missed” by my Gyn, my normal yearly doc. For this, I do not blame her, although increased awareness among this type of doc (the “main” doc for many women) is clearly needed. I was missed by my GP for several years, going for general physical and high cholesterol. He did always feel my “glands” by which I assumed lymph nodes. But, I don’t have a very large thyroid, and increased cholesterol might have been the only symptom I discussed with him (thinking that my tiredness, dry skin, etc. were normal).
    Where I find fault, however, is with the ENT who suspected a thyroid nodule, but when none was found, refused to discuss how my many symptoms could be still related to my thyroid. I feel like he’s the only one that truly MISdiagnosed me, the others were errors of omission, which while frustrating, I can forgive.
    Jacqueline–I’m so glad you feel so welcome and supported! I hope you continue to feel better and better!

  24. Theresa Budke says:

    Wow, so raw and feeling. I am starting to believe this it the true beginning of the healing. We get so stuck in our heads because we do not know how to explain how it feels. We do not know how to express how we do not feel right the sensations that flow through the body do not seem to have a name I can think of. We are sad and mad, we are depressed and blue, we feel no hope and no desire to go on when we feel so crappy.
    This is the beginning of our healing…. a place where we can share… a place that someone out there finally knows….. life will never be normal for us as normal is for those who do not have Thyroid issues… whether you are hypo or hyper, with or with out a thyroid…. life sucks……..but…. I have hope through your guidance that I can learn to be happy and I can learn the best way to get healthy… thank you…… Thank you.

  25. dearthyroid says:

    I am so proud of everyone. Your comments and stories are so brave and exquisite. so much courage and raw feelings dripping onto the page.

    You dames ROCK MY THYWORLD.

  26. dearthyroid says:

    Amy;

    I love what you wrote to Jacqueline, so supportive and lovely.

    xo

  27. dearthyroid says:

    NS:

    Very good abridged yarn. Quite thylicious. I hope you’ll send us a Dear Thyroid letter, so we can share you with the world.

    xo

  28. dearthyroid says:

    Robyn;

    You and Lori are both right, IMO. My question is, there seems, IMO (again), to be a systemic issue with the medical community. My internist, another internist who specializes in endocrinology and several other ‘gists’, missed diagnosed me. Sadly, my story is not rare.

    What do we do? I think something needs to be done by way of educating practitioners to spot thyroid diseases and cancers in patients of all ages.

    What are your thoughts, ladies?

  29. dearthyroid says:

    Theresa;

    I LOVE YOUR COMMENT. You make a fabulous point about releasing the anger to begin healing.

    xo

  30. dearthyroid says:

    Sarah;

    I am so with you on this, I really am. Excellent points…

    Love the support.

    xo

  31. Lori says:

    Katie,
    I don’t think what Robyn and I are saying is really all that different. I believe the common goal is timely diagnoses of thyroid diseases and cancers.

    I was misdiagnosed by my internist, an ENT, a neuroendocrinologist, plus several others. The list is long, the experiences are long and horrible, just like many others.

    But, my thoughts and observations earlier were based on my personal experiences, but on what my knowledge is of what’s required in a physical examination. I hope it didn’t seem like I was trying to debate anything, and it wasn’t in response to anyone’s post in particular.

    This letter and all the posts starting me thinking and I just started typing my thoughts at that moment. I think the bottom line is, like Katie said, it’s a “systemic issue within the medical community” and I think education is paramount to recognize thyroid diseases and cancers PROMPTLY!!!

    xox
    lori

  32. Lori says:

    this is what i get for tryig to type while half asleep again. 5th sentence should say

    “were *NOT* based on my personal experiences,………
    arrgh!!!

    lori

  33. Lolly says:

    Jaqueline,

    So sorry that you were undiagnosed for so long going through chikhood and puberty into adult life all because you were failed miserably by the medical profession.

    If only they would do all the right screening for thyroid diseases such as antibodies tests for hashimoto’s and Graves not just TSH or just FT4 or antiquated tests that show up fuck all other that you are in range but maybe not where you should be bout time these doctors learned to interpret thyroid results in the right way and stop living in the fucking dark ages.

    And only taking part of your thyroid leaving you suffer even more, talk about adding insult to injury, so pleased to here you will have the other offending lobe removed and hopefully can regain your lost life My heart goes out to you after reading your story. Good luck hear warming sad story hopefully with a good ending.

    Lolly

  34. Dee says:

    Jackie:
    I feel terrible for you. I don’t understand the pain aspect of your disease. I know that being a Thyroid cancer survivor, I have my own demons I live with. Hopefully the doctors will pay closer attention to the thyroid. I know I paid little attention to it until it stood up and made me. I hope your pain will subside.

  35. Bonnie says:

    Jaqueline,
    I feel for you…I totally feel for you because I understand what you are going through…but how did you end up with half of a thyroid? Are you going to drink the iodine? I am so afraid to do that, but it is what my Dr. suggested…I just wish I could be a normal person and not have to feel fucked up all the time, like I am on speed or something. It wears me out! Do you think drinking the iodine is a good idea? Then you will become HYPO, won’t you?? Doesn’t that mean we will gain weight and be sleepy all the time? I dont know which is worse, I just know ‘hyper’ sucks. If anyone knows the answer to my questions, please comment…thanks so much!

  36. Jacqueline Greene says:

    Bonnie,
    Thank you, but first of all I’am Hypo. I turned hypo after my pregnancy and second, I had surgery removing half of my thyroid. Although Hyper sucks Hypo does too!

  37. Melinda says:

    True dat!
    I take my anger out on the doctors. I took time and money and never a proper diagnosis. I didn’t realized I could go to an Endo, w/out my family doc approving it.
    I went to a naturopathic doctor and he finally diagnosed me and sent me to an Endo.
    How can we have all the symptoms, but one blood test be ‘normal’ and Thyroid be excluded?
    I couldn’t even get out of bed to finish school. Thought I was lazy.
    I could write for days. Off to work.
    After having a baby at 33 I had to get help, there was no getting out of bed.
    Now, I am on Synthroid and a bitch!
    I hear Armour is more natural…my endo doesn’t like it but my naturopath doc highly recommends it.

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