Behold the Reckoning
Written by: Jacqueline (Hashimoto’s Patient)
Why did you take my life away from me? I’m so damn angry that you took a shit on me and left me to fend for myself, not knowing what was in store for what would become my new miserable life! You knew you weren’t right from the very time I came into this world.
The doctors had no clue and you just laid there, silently giving no indication of your diseased state until I was eight years old. Remember that? I started having dizzy spells and I passed out cold in Sears, busting my lip on a shelf on my way down to the floor. I had to have five stitches on the outside and four on the inside of my mouth. Yeah, you left me with a scar on my lower lip to remind me something wasn’t right.
For years I suffered through all your symptoms, all the way through to my teenage years. You were slick when I would go to get checked out by doctors. My tests always showed you to be within normal range, but I was nothing but normal–I was an asshole because of you. My hormones were out of whack and everything in my body was screaming out of control. I started suffering from fits of rage and hostility so severe I blacked out, never being fully aware of what I was doing or saying afterwards. You just sat back and watched me fall apart like I was a crazy lunatic, leading my parents to believe that in my teenage years I was either on drugs or I was manic bipolar. I knew it wasn’t me and yet I was labeled as “crazy” by members of my family due to you. I saw so many doctors that couldn’t make heads or tails of what was going on with me. It was you who finally drove me into a major depression. I didn’t want to eat or sleep. Hell, I didn’t even want to continue to exist anymore. Not that you cared. You just kept doing what you always did best, which was making me miserable and taking more and more from me both physically and mentally. If my parents hadn’t of admitted me into a private facility to get me help, you surely would have won the fight and I would have been left a shell of what I was. I guess you decided to leave me alone for a while after that, because I slowly started regaining my life back again at a normal capacity without any of your antics and feeling better. Maybe it was the prescription of Elivil the doctor had me taking daily.
You became a major pain in my ass when I turned 24, after I had my first child. You made it very clear you were back and weren’t going anywhere. You made sure of that! I slept day-in and day-out for weeks. My energy was zapped,
I had no appetite, nothing. I guess it pissed you off when I didn’t fight back and pay attention to you.
That’s when you decided to pull out the big guns and hit me with your best shot while I was sleeping. Oh sure, jerk, get me while I’m down! My face became swollen and disfigured and soon enough cellulitus took over. I know you started to get really scared when I was rushed to the hospital and you heard the doctors say they were going to take me to surgery and remove your rotten ass out of my body! You got lucky though, ’cause they only took half of your nasty ass out of me and left the other half to torture me even worse. I hate you!
I was once a beautiful woman who did not lack self confidence, motivation or self esteem–let alone to be ashamed and afraid to look at myself in a mirror. Today, at 41 years old, you have succeeded in making me feel the ugliest I’ve ever felt since my body took on a transformation that I don’t even recognize. Why?
Oh yeah, because you can’t do the fucking job you were made to do! I despise you because my life is forever changed and I’m mad as hell! Now, all I have to look forward to is to take a pill every day for the rest of my life to make me feel better, watch my hair fall out, suffer memory loss because my mind goes in a fog and I can’t remember shit, watch my once-soft skin turn into alligator hide, be subjected to body aches and pains, anxiety, sleeplessness, fatigue, temperature sensitivity, unpredictable hot flashes, moodiness–and wait! Don’t forget the weight gain and all the other treats you like to bring. I miss me so much! You were defective so you had to make me defective right alongside of you. Didn’t you? They say misery loves company. Is that what you were thinking when you robbed me of who I was? Well guess what, asshole..Fuck You! That’s right, because soon you are going to be removed from my body and I will be free from you and then be given a chance to feel better.
I will do whatever it takes to get you gone, but you’re history, buddy! Your life is over and hopefully mine will begin again without your presence! Adios and goodbye!
Who knows? I just might throw a party to celebrate your departure! Wow! That felt good to get off my chest! Thank you for listening to me rant!
(Bio) My name is Jacqueline Greene, and I’m a 41 yrs old mom of 2 children ages 16 and 9 yrs of age and I’am a thyroid survivor. I have suffered from being Hyperthyroid for 23 yrs undiagnosed and Hypothyroid/Hashimoto’s for the past 18 years. Each day I struggle with the challenges that this disease brings as well as the pain and all of the different assortment of symptoms that accompanies it. Some days are harder than others. Although I have come to tolorate and deal with the fact I will always have this problem in my life, I don’t think I will ever accept it.I can be found under the this username on Facebook: Jacqueline Greene Kosmoski Punta Gorda, Florida
What does Jacqueline’s letter mean to you, whether you have a thyroid disorder or not? Let us know in the comments section.