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To My Friend, My Ally, and My Secret Stalker
Dear Thyroid,
For at least two years now, you’ve given me many nights of thick worry and grief that has kept me up, silently wondering in my head.
I don’t know why you grew this lump. Maybe it was from bad genes, maybe it was from bad karma, maybe it was from that one time I went swimming in the Mekong. Maybe it came from a curse, or from chemicals that I ate or breathed in, or from dental x-rays, or from a drug that I took as a teenager. Maybe it came from my cellphone, or from standing too close to the microwave for too many years. Maybe the lump has always just been there, sitting warmly and comfortably inside of you, slowly growing in a natural, organic way.
A surgeon is going to cut into my throat this Tuesday and take half of you out forever. If he finds out that you are malignant, he’ll take out the other half out too, and replace you with a daily synthetic hormone pill. I’ll have to depend on these pills for the rest of my life to stay alive.
Thyroid, even though you might be trying to kill me, I forgive you and I will always miss you. I wrote you this poem:
malignant/benign
I may not be perfect
I may not be great
but I’m alive
this pile of sketchbooks
was made by me
through my years alive
these marks are mine
these scars are mine
they are still collecting
they do not hide
covered by makeup
or hidden under a shirt
or in a dark basement trunk
haphazardly piled
bending with weight
Love,
Barrett
(Bio) Barrett is a 27-year old female with a thyroid nodule suspicious for papillary carcinoma
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13 Responses to “To My Friend, My Ally, and My Secret Stalker”
Leave a Reply to Steph
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Thank you for sharing. very moving. Great poem. I hope it goes well. be strong + remain positive.
I think our world has become too polluted. Too many stories like this lately. I don’t know if having a thyroid problem from such a young age can be a blessing or a curse. It can ruin you, but maybe it’s good to find out when your young so you can find out how to take care of it early and manage it. I’m 30 now and have been hypo for 15 years. I wish I didn’t have it at all, but what can you do. I find myself still learning to live with it, things are getting better. always learning.
Best of luck with your surgery! were here to listen and in a way virtually hold your hand! *hugs*
Be well.
Steph
Steph – Thank you so much for leaving such a beautiful comment and for sharing your thoughts regarding thyroid issues.
What is your thyroid story? Do you think the environment and foods we eat are playing a role in thyroid disorders and thyroid cancers?
Beautiful support. Thank you for connecting with Barrett and sharing a bit about you.
xo
Barrett,
I really like your letter. I especially like “you’ve given me many nights of thick worry”. I think we can all relate to that description of laying in bed and thinking and wondering and not being able to turn our brains off. I hope you don’t have many more nights like that.
Good luck to you. We will all be cheering for you.
Barrett, I absolutely love your letter/poem. This is my favorite line: “Thyroid, even though you might be trying to kill me, I forgive you and I will always miss you.” I usually share this sentiment, but some days I just hate my thyroid for allowing cancer to take over.
How are you healing now?
xoxo,
Joana
Good luck and good thoughts go with you into surgery.You’re a better thyroid sufferer than me-I still can’t totally forgive that dam gland but I have accepted it…be strong on your journey and let others help you carry the load when it gets heavy
Anonthrop;
Didn’t even catch that quote “you’ve given me many nights of thick worry” – like you, I agree, we can all relate. Plus, there is something about the word “thick” in association with worrying that reverberates because I do think the fear is akin to being buried underneath a wall of concrete – pervasive and unrelenting.
Beautiful comment and support.
xo
Joanna;
I’m so happy you pointed out Barrett’s ability to forgive. This is something I have not mastered and have no clue how to proceed. (PS: Open to suggestions!). With everything Barrett is enduring, the fact that she can even consider forgiveness speaks volumes about her capacity to find forgiveness regarding an illness that, IMO, violates our minds, bodies and spirits.
Love what you wrote, great support.
xo
Bee – Love this be strong on your journey and let others help you carry the load when it gets heavy. So happy you wrote that. Really good advice, definitely something I know I will benefit from.
We’re in the same boat regarding forgiveness, thysistah, I just can’t do it. I wish I could.
Love the support.
xo
Barrett, beautiful letter and poem. I wish you well with your upcoming surgery and hope that you get the all clear.
Lolly
Hey,
I definitely think environmental factors and food have a huge impact on our health. We are still stuck in an industrial revolution. we need to start rethinking about the way we design our things. Everything we consume has awful chemicals in it. When we throw it away it probably gets incinerated, then chemicals are put into the air we breathe. It just seems cancer rates are going up, everyone I know seems like they have it or are battling it, more everyday.
I know it’s a little off topic, but it’s stuff that you don’t really think about. check out this video: http://www.storyofstuff.com/
I’m a design student… 😉
I too go through the lifelong list of known toxins I’ve been exposed to. Truly is a miracle that I’m still alive. Don’t worry, there’s more to come, with an open-cut coal mine starting up supposedly later this year JUST THREE KILOMETERS FROM MY HOME!!!!
FANTASTIC POEM! I was 27 when i was diagnosed with thyroid pap carcinoma, i had the total thyroidectomy and radioactive iodine. believe me, you will be fine! the recovery is not too bad and make sure you have plenty of good books to read, especially during the radiation! i wear my scar as a badge of courage! its small and really not that bad! there is nothing to be afraid of! YOU CAN BEAT THIS! WE ALL CAN! 🙂
Barrett, lovely letter and poem. I just had my TT and lymph surgery in january, papillary also. I wish you a speedy recovery and hope you are adjusting to it all. I also, as mentioned above, view my scar as a badge of courage/battle wound. I, like you, wonder what how and why as to how this foreign thing developed. We may not know why, but we can all spread the info and support one another. Best wishes to you.