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No love lost

Post Published: 18 March 2010
Author:
Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 28 responses. Leave a comment

(Written by LC, thyroidectomy patient)

Dear Dead Thyroid,

If I had not had you cut out, would you have begun to be kind?,   I think not.   All that is left of your life in my body is a scar. But your presence in my body for nearly 58 years was vulgar, creepy and downright mean!,   I didn’t know how much of my life was misery because of you. How you made me wear larger size clothes, which brought comments from the uniformed that I was “putting on a little weight.”,   Well, of course I wanted to get fat.   What woman does not have that dream?? I also wanted to be depressed, suicidal at times, burning hot in the cold of winter, and so moody my family boycotts me.

I have you to thank for a lot of crap.   In fact, you probably made me have to sleep with a CPAP machine, which I call C-CRAP in your honor.

Wherever you are this evening, I hope you are as miserable as I am.

LC

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28 Responses to “No love lost”

  1. Kerrie says:

    LC- I love the comment- “well, of course I wanted to get fat” The “my family boycotts me” I can REALLY relate- My husband asked why we were still married since I don’t participate anymore. I feel ya!

  2. amy says:

    The out of whack thyroid definitely makes strange things go on in our bodies. I sometimes wonder why can’t I have a normal functioning thyroid? I am glad you wrote your letter and i hope that things look up for you!!! Wishing you the best, Amy

  3. Christine says:

    LC
    “…I also wanted to be depressed, suicidal at times, burning hot in the cold of winter, and so moody my family boycotts me.”

    you are singing my song too. The depression was unbearable at times; to the point of insanity. Here I was a once vibrant, intelligent, CAPABLE woman who wore many hats (cause I could!) and then I was reduced, over time, oh so gradual at first then at breakneck speed into thyroid hell, into this pile of a woman I didn’t recognize. This gland, one single gland in all of my body had reduced me to a woman I neither recognized or cared to know. Could I really blame my family for boycotting me!?! They tried, they had their shinning moments of hope and love for me, but as time went on and my diseased thyroid raged war on me, they became more distant.
    I can and have begun to recover from my thyroidectomy. Still playing the numbers to medication game, but I am hopeful. Yes, I said the word.. HOPEFUL. However, what saddens me to my core, is the time I lost with my husband, children and family. I can never get that back. I can never give them the mother and wife they deserved for so long then.
    With hope, comes new beginning, the idea of a “do-over” to some degree. I am just beginning to take back my life, glimmers of hope throughout each day, as I fight, yes FIGHT my way back from thyroid hell into the new light of a healthy day.

    Miserable, Depressed, Suicidal, Incomplete, Lost, Confused, Cloudy, Emotional, Tired so very very tired was the way of life THEN… I am hoping for you, for all of us, that it won’t be that way NOW. It shouldn’t be this way for any of us – ever!

    I stand here today, a woman of a few hats, hats of my choosing, with some control back in my life, who I am and all that I want to be; I have so much time to make up for, so much living to do. I wish for this for all of us, every single day. Getting, taking our lives back!

    LC I want for you your life, as you want it, see it, dream it and believe it can be.

    (hugs)

  4. Cheryl says:

    LC – I can relate to your comment “I didn’t know how much of my life was misery because of you”. I don’t know anymore if it’s normal to be as miserable and depressed as I am or if it’s all the thyroid. I used to think that was just me, how I am..how I behave. If I didn’t have an overactive thyroid and Graves Disease, would I be miserable? Peace, Cheryl

  5. Hypogirl says:

    LC,
    I can totally relate to you letter. Love the line “well, of course I wanted to get fat”. My fav is when non-thyroid disease people give you advice on how to lose weight. *eye roll*

    Kerrie, I proposed the same question to my hubby. I figured out it was my thyroid talking and not me. One of the things that helps a TON is a full blood work up. I know it sounds silly, right? Well, A LOT of my moodiness came from being very imbalanced vitamin wise. While it is still a challenge to hold onto a relationship being hypo. IT is a much better situation when being properly vitaminized. LOL! You look at things a lot differently. I thought I heard a large % of all marriages, when one suffers from a chronic illness, get divorced. It made me very sad to hear that. But determined to make it work at the same time. But I too hear ya! I went through the same thing.

    Amy, I want a normal functioning thyroid too! Then I want Willy Wonka to bring me a OOMPA LOOPMA. I could use some help around the house 🙂

  6. LC,
    I had a total thyroidectomy (lost a parathyroid gland in the process)one month ago tomorrow. I thought that I would feel better by now, but I don’t! In fact, I feel more hypo than I ever have before. I am getting lots of blood work done today, so I hope to feel better soon. Perhaps when we are both closer to “normal” we can begin to sort out who we really are. I feel your pain and I wish you the very best. Good riddance to our thyroids and hello to our new selves!

  7. Jen says:

    LC – I can also relate to everything you have said. I was diagnosed with a goiter at my first prenatal appt. in 2000 and ended up having a thyroidectomy in 2002. I still have a bit of my right side left but whatever hormone that may produce is being suppressed due to finding cancer in one of the nodules they removed from the right side. I opted out of radiation at that time because I was still planning on having another child and didn’t want to take any chances. My bloodwork has always been “normal” on 125mcg Levothroid but I have been anything but normal since my surgery.

    Christine – OMG, you took the words right out of my mouth especially when you say, “However, what saddens me to my core, is the time I lost with my husband, children and family. I can never get that back. I can never give them the mother and wife they deserved for so long then.”

    I never connected how I’ve been feeling all these years with being hypo – afterall my TSH, Free T4, and thyrogobulin antibodies were “normal”. Never was tested for Free T3. Late last year the lightbulb went on when I was forced to take a good hard look at how I’ve been feeling/acting all these years. I learned that my husband felt that I had checked out of our marriage before I had gotten pregnant with our first child. We have determined my thyroid started acting bitchy when I stopped taking BCP to have a child. My mental descent into hell only grew worse after my thyroidectomy. I found out he had been thinking of leaving me for the last few years and had recently started having an emotional affair with a coworker.

    Hypogirl – I have almost become one of those divorce statistics but I am fighting back. I have done a ton of research, have printed out a ton of information for my husband to read, have bought a few books that have really helped explain this CHRONIC disease to me and my husband. We now understand that this is a chronic disease that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. That “magic” pill I pop every day never was, is not, and will never be a cure like I had thought it was. We know that I will have good and bad days but that, hopefully, I can find a doctor who will treat the symptoms and not just the test results.

    This site has been a gift to me. I have learned that I am not alone and that has made me get through each day without totally falling apart. Thank you thygals!

  8. Joanna says:

    LC, thank you for writing such an open, honest letter!

  9. HD inOregon says:

    LC,

    Wonderful letter! Really hit home! – We feel with you!

    HD in Oregon

  10. Elaine says:

    LC very good letter that many of us can relate to.
    Christine, I feel your pain. Can anybody outside people with a Thyroid Disease see what hell we live in.
    I know about the “Do Over”. When I was a kid we always said “Over’s”.
    Well, I don’t think we have a “Do Over” or “Over’s”. Wish we did. But, what could we really change?

    Hugs to both of you
    Elaine

  11. Hypogirl says:

    Jen – Way to go! Keep fighting! Hubby and I do the same thing.

  12. Jennifer says:

    I especially loved how you called the CPAP a C-CRAP! I will soon sleep with one of those machines but my doctors swears it has nothing to do with the LARGE goiter on my neck!!

    Thanks for sharing 🙂

  13. Dear Thyroid says:

    Kerrie – Agreed, those comments in LC’s letter resonated super hard.

    I know what you mean about the sex drive, too. Blech.

    Thanks for offering support to LC and sharing a bit about you, too.

    xo

  14. Dear Thyroid says:

    Amy – your point is very true, not only does the thyroid make our bodies wacky, but our brains, too. Crazy. Oh, literally and unfortunately.

    Thanks for lending your support to LC.

    xo

  15. Dear Thyroid says:

    Christine – your comment left me speechless. Your comment, letter of sorts, is exactly how so many of us feel and have felt.

    I’m paraphrasing, but when you said that your depression was (essentially) to the point of insanity, that took my breath away.

    Despite everything you’ve been through, you bravely showed up and shared your story and it sounds like you’re putting the pieces of your life back together. Bravo, thysistah.

    Beautiful show of support for LC.

    xo

  16. Dear Thyroid says:

    Agreed, Joanna, loved LC’s honesty.

  17. Dear Thyroid says:

    Cheryl – That’s a really interesting point. Post-diagnosis when our moods and bodies have been so radically changed; at what point in our healing process do we begin to parse out what’s us and what’s our thyroid?

    Wonderful support for LC, too.

    Thanks for sharing more of you with us.

    xo

  18. Dear Thyroid says:

    HypoGirl, your comments make me so happy. Question for you, please; when you say some of your moodiness comes from a lack of vitamins, are you speaking bout Vit D or another vitamin deficiency?

    I love when people tell me how to lose weight and begin with what you need to do is… Have you walked the thyroid mile? No. So, shut up.

    Love the comment.

    xo

  19. Dear Thyroid says:

    Patti – Beautiful comment. So sorry about your thyroidectomy and loss of part of your parathyroid in the process. I’m also sorry to hear that you feel so hypo, those symptoms are vile. Well, let’s face it, all thyroid symptoms are pretty vile.

    Your spirit is a fighting one and you will reclaim your life, I just know it; so will LC and all of us.

    xo

  20. Dear Thyroid says:

    Jen – You’ve been through so much. Your ability to write about it and share it so honestly with all of us, is incredible and incredibly appreciated.

    I learn more about my disease, the impact it has on my family and more from every member of our community. With every letter, comment and rant, it’s an opportunity to learn and heel. I am so grateful for this community.

    Jen – Really glad that you have and continue to fight as hard as you have and do for your life and your relationship with your family.

    xo

  21. Dear Thyroid says:

    HD – Yupper scupper, LC’s letter struck a big ol’ chord.

    xo

  22. Dear Thyroid says:

    Elaine, completely agreed about the do-over. I want all the time back that I lost. The question is, when do we finish mourning time/disease and move forward living side-by-side with this evil gland?

    Great show of support!

    xo

  23. Dear Thyroid says:

    Jennifer – Loved the C-CRAP machine. Sorry you’re going to need one, too.

    It seems a lot of thyroid patients do. Any reason why? Does anyone know?

    xo

  24. Elaine says:

    Well, now that we are adults I guess our do over days are gone. But, it was a nice thought.

    It seems like all my friends have told me eighter “All you have to do is……..walk more, eat less, exercise more, eat healthy, get out more or something along those lines.

    People that I know with a Thyroid Disease know more about …..walking more, eating less, eating healthy and getting out more than any of my friends (?).

    If I could just figure out a way to let them walk in my shoes or yours for a day…hmmmmmm

  25. Miriam says:

    LC

    I couldn’t have put it better myself. I could have written the article almost word for word as you have put exactly my thoughts as well. It 32 years since I was diagnosed and had a partial thyroidectomy 20 years ago and I have still fighting my energy levels as I am now hypo.

    I know about the weight thing, and hate being saddled with all the extra weight through no fault of my own. I did manage to lose some of it after I had my hysterectomy (thyroid messed with my hormones as well) in 2005, but still have a stubborn 20+ more pounds (10 kilos) to lose which is proving very hard in deed.

    Also feel I have lost most of my good years due to the BLOODY thyroid condition.

    So LC you are not on your own all us thyrellas out there in worldwide thyroidland are with you. Its nice to know there are others out there, like myself who have suffered from the thyroid disease for most of their lives

  26. Miriam says:

    Elaine…

    Love your comments. I am fed up with people (even my own husband as well at times who btw has always been a slim active person, sympathises with me regarding the Thyroid disease, but he still can’t understand why I am not as active as he is after all the years we have been married!!! …..no comment!!)

    I wish people would realise that we don’t always have the energy to go walking, exercise or do lots of things that other people can. On my good days, I do try and do as much as I can,. I also try to go walking during the summer when I feel up to it.

    I also find it very frustrating trying to tell people that I eat very healthily, don’t stuff my face with fattening foods and my weight problem is due to a genuine faulty gland!

  27. Brooke Milander says:

    Way to go!
    My thyroid corrupted me, too.
    I’m glad it is gone forever!!!

  28. Hypogirl says:

    Dear Thyroid,

    I mean a well rounded Vitamin routine. I take a large amount of vitamins a day. They include Vitmain D, Iron, Magnesium, B vitamins and Calcium. When I started taking those I felt lighter and more “at peace” if that makes any sense. I felt that I could handle life’s little ups and downs and stay pretty positive. Makes a huge difference in how you conduct the rest of your life. A little happy goes a long way. 😉

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