You gotta help me out here. If you don’t do something, we’re both going to die.
Okay, okay, yeah, we all die eventually. What I’m saying is, we may die sooner than later. If you take me out, you’re going down, too. You do realize this, don’t you?
What’s that? You’re already dead anyway? Dude, don’t talk like that. Sure you’re damaged or something. But you’re still there and I know you’re alive even if you’re not working because each of your cells is taking oxygen and nutrients out of the blood, doing something with them, and dumping your waste products and carbon dioxide back into the blood to be carried away for disposal. In fact, I know exactly what you’re doing you’re building nodules. What the fuck do you need nodules for? Nothing, that’s what. So knock it off. See, I told you you’re not dead.
Okay, lookie-loo Mr. Thy-roid-ee, here’s the problem: I am taking 145 milligrams of Fenofibrate each day, along with 2,000 milligrams of niacin (nicotinic acid, flushes and all), and now 4,000 milligrams of omega-3-acid ethyl esters (which is like eating 14 salmon a day, but without the mercury poisoning). By all accounts, with this much lipid-busting drugs in my system not only should I not have any cholesterol or triglycerides in my blood, I probably shouldn’t have any blood at all!
OK, well, I don’t have any blood…rather, I’ve practically got Crisco circulating through my system.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, THYROID? I HAVE CRISCO FOR BLOOD! CRISCO!!! AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!
My cholesterol and triglycerides are so high, even maxxed out on all the drugs, that you could slit my throat and fry up a chicken in what drains out. Maybe they should slit my throat. Take you outta there and be done with you. Mwahahahaha!!!! Sure, I’d look like a freak for a while, with a big red puffy “smile” right above my collarbones, but I’d have the last laugh. It’d be worth the risk of my nightmares coming true and having my head fall off. It can’t be worse than falling over dead from a coronary before I turn 40.
But I am still reasonably attractive, not having grown “old” yet. What’s that they say? Live slow, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse? (Well, that’s the thyroidian version of it, anyway).
You’d like that wouldn’t you? Yes, you would. Too much. Therefore, I shall not allow you the pleasure.
DON’T MESS WITH ME! I’VE GOT MOON AND MARS IN AQUARIUS! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!
Dangerous. Yes, mmmhmm.
So help me out dude, and help yourself too. You won’t like the other choice.
With all the love of an icy porcupine,
Your Evil Overlord Master Mike
Mike is 36 years old and has had the nobody-knows-why type of hypothyroidism for over 10 years, and has developed “complications”…
Aside: Please continue supporting, Dr. Sarah Myhill, to end the witch hunt for this fine doctor in the UK.
Tags: Dear Thyroid Letters written by men, men with thyroid diseases, men writing about thyroid disease, men's health, men's health community, men's support community, men's thyroid community, thyroid disorders in men