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Bleeding Crisco
Dear Thyroid,
You gotta help me out here. If you don’t do something, we’re both going to die.
Okay, okay, yeah, we all die eventually. What I’m saying is, we may die sooner than later. If you take me out, you’re going down, too. You do realize this, don’t you?
What’s that? You’re already dead anyway? Dude, don’t talk like that. Sure you’re damaged or something. But you’re still there and I know you’re alive even if you’re not working because each of your cells is taking oxygen and nutrients out of the blood, doing something with them, and dumping your waste products and carbon dioxide back into the blood to be carried away for disposal. In fact, I know exactly what you’re doing you’re building nodules. What the fuck do you need nodules for? Nothing, that’s what. So knock it off. See, I told you you’re not dead.
Yet.
Okay, lookie-loo Mr. Thy-roid-ee, here’s the problem: I am taking 145 milligrams of Fenofibrate each day, along with 2,000 milligrams of niacin (nicotinic acid, flushes and all), and now 4,000 milligrams of omega-3-acid ethyl esters (which is like eating 14 salmon a day, but without the mercury poisoning). By all accounts, with this much lipid-busting drugs in my system not only should I not have any cholesterol or triglycerides in my blood, I probably shouldn’t have any blood at all!
OK, well, I don’t have any blood…rather, I’ve practically got Crisco circulating through my system.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, THYROID? I HAVE CRISCO FOR BLOOD! CRISCO!!! AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!
My cholesterol and triglycerides are so high, even maxxed out on all the drugs, that you could slit my throat and fry up a chicken in what drains out. Maybe they should slit my throat. Take you outta there and be done with you. Mwahahahaha!!!! Sure, I’d look like a freak for a while, with a big red puffy “smile” right above my collarbones, but I’d have the last laugh. It’d be worth the risk of my nightmares coming true and having my head fall off. It can’t be worse than falling over dead from a coronary before I turn 40.
Bastard.
But I am still reasonably attractive, not having grown “old” yet. What’s that they say? Live slow, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse? (Well, that’s the thyroidian version of it, anyway).
You’d like that wouldn’t you? Yes, you would. Too much. Therefore, I shall not allow you the pleasure.
DON’T MESS WITH ME! I’VE GOT MOON AND MARS IN AQUARIUS! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!
Dangerous. Yes, mmmhmm.
So help me out dude, and help yourself too. You won’t like the other choice.
With all the love of an icy porcupine,
Your Evil Overlord Master Mike
Mike is 36 years old and has had the nobody-knows-why type of hypothyroidism for over 10 years, and has developed “complications”…
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Reader Feedback
14 Responses to “Bleeding Crisco”
Leave a Reply to Shan
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My sides are splitting – MY SIDES are splitting!!! Mike this is Highlarious! What a good good letter.
In all seriousness Mike – I hope you feel better soon.
Now I want Chicken 🙂
Great letter Mike! Keep letting it know you are the boss and kick its ass.
Mike what a great letter you tell that thyroid what you think your head won’t drop off but you’ll certainly be wearing an extra smile.
I hope you can get those cholesterol and triglycerides to within normal ranges thyroids can mess them up you are so right.
Brilliant letter but I feel your pain who wants to worry about a coronary at such a young age.
Keep kicking Ass and hopefully there will be a better solution for you.
Mike, I never tire of reading anything you’ve written. You are quite talented. You keep showing your thyroid who’s the boss!
Mike-too bad you couldn’t get spun gold from a crisco-leaking incision—just curious, have your docs considered taking out that bastard gland yet? When does removal become an option-during an autopsy?! I think i’d be strongly suggesting a smiley face on my throat…good luck, Mr. Funny!
Mike – great letter! I feel your pain alright. I have to worry about sudden death and heart attack, not from Crisco but from vascular inflammation, compliments of my thyroid as well.
Dear Mike’s thyroid, in case you didn’t get the message, here’s an extra FUCK OFF and leave Mike alone! You’ve give him enough trouble!
Keep kicking thyass and you will have the last laugh!
Great letter Mike! Here’s the good news, you’ll get used to the red smile as it eventually becomes a white smile (I’m on a regemin of 100spf day/vitamin E oil night) and your head will definitely not fall off 🙂 although your shoulders and back neck muscles will feel like whiplash for a couple days. But if you’re lucky like me, the nurses will bring you heat packs to loosen up. Good luck to you!
Wonderful letter Mike! – Great humor!! – Hope you can kick them complications into the but as well. Good luck to you!
HD in Oregon
OMG! Love you Mike – YOU ROCK! This letter was AWESOME and said everything I wish I had said to my own thyroid…! Good for you and Good luck.
Mike – WE ADORE YOU SO MUCH. We love your letters. Please keep em’ coming. You have a great sense of humor, and a great sense of humor about your disease. We find this remarkably inspiring.
Keep your chin up. Hang in.
You are loved.
xo
And if I may, I’d like to say that the show of support and appreciation of Mike by this thylicious community continues to take my wig off.
YOU ARE ALL PERFECT. FLAWLESS. AMAZING.
LOVE YOU.
Mike, What a wonderful letter! I loved it.. I laughed and I so get you and what your going through. Hang in there your not alone! I loved your letter.. you have inspired me to do my own letter. I have not done that as of yet! So coming soon! I am sorry that your thyroid is doing this.. mine must be in league with yours too. Take care
Angela
Mike, you are great! Way to keep a sense of humor about that thyroid. I have an extra smile and after many years of self-education, finally feel like I have made my thyroid my bitch. When I’m not too tired to boss it around, that is.
Mike, I didn’t laugh because its tragic that death has to enter our thoughts. I hope you get free of the rottenness.