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A Quiet Plea

Post Published: 27 April 2010
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Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 19 responses. Leave a comment

(Written by Joey Reed, Graves Disease, et al)

I am 28 years old. I’ve suffered from hyperthyroid, graves disease, thyrotoxicosis, and, since its removal, hypothyroidism. I’ve considered giving in to suicidal tendencies so many times. I don’t have anyone that seems to understand the pain I feel just getting out of bed in the morning. I’ve shut myself off from meeting new people. I have survived eight heart failures and numerous hospitalizations.


All of this and now I’m on numerous medications for depression and such. I take 150mcg of synthroid daily and follow all guidelines and still feel awful and unmotivated. I would love to find someone to love and care for but I don’t feel worthy of anyone’s affection. I wanted to post on your site. I have read some of your posts and noticed that there are not many males. Thanks for your time.


Joey Reed WV


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19 Responses to “A Quiet Plea”

  1. Joey,

    Thank you so much for posting. You are right – there are not as many males on our site and when guys like yourself are courageous enough to post, this encourages us to share. I truly admire your bravery!

    It seems as if you have been through hell and back and I really do feel for you. You are not alone, although I can understand that it must feel as if you are sometimes.

    You said you still aren’t feeling good on Synthroid? Do you have a good doctor? Have you looked into other testing. From my experience, hypo/hyperthyroidism often comes with complications. In my case, for instance, I am taking more than just my thyroid tablets. Many people still feel tired and not at their best due to conditions such as adrenal insufficiency, low Vitamin D, low B12 low ferretin/iron, low magneiusm. Some people also require the addition of T3. Please let us know if there is anything we can do whatsoever to help you – a warm, warm welcome to our community!

  2. kesse says:

    hey joey, sorry to hear that you’ve had such a hard time. i’ve had lots of problems related to my hormones, including depression & anxiety attacks. for about 17 years i said something was wrong with my hormones but the drs just kept telling me i was depressed & kept giving me anti-depressants that didn’t do anything (except maybe screw with my cortisol & HPA axis from some recent reading). about 2 months ago i found a dr who, despite being a 10hr drive away, is at least listening & doing something. i’m on hydrocortisone for the adrenal insufficiencies & armour for the hypothyroidism. i’ll be starting progesterone soon & maybe even estrogen & testosterone since they’re both low, too. it sucks but i’ve found this site & the real thyroid help forum very helpful. i am trying to connect as much as possible with other sick people because no matter how supportive my healthy friends & family are, they still don’t understand. so, don’t give up, there’s lots of people out there that understand & can give you some support, even if its not in person!

  3. amy says:

    Joey, that was so honest and brave! Thank you for that. I am sorry that you have been having such a tough time. I’ll agree with the other two comments-do you have a good dr? If you don’t, I hope that you will have the strength to find one. It really makes the world of difference!
    I would like to encourage you! There is always hope and I believe that everyone can find love! If I may, focus on you first! Get you healthy and happy and the rest will surely follow! And you have found a community of support on this website and that is a wonderful start! Blessings to you!:)

  4. Kathy says:

    Hi Joey, I also have Graves. In the beginning of my treatment I was on Synthyroid too, I had the depression, etc. that you are experiencing. I definitely didn’t like it so I switched to a natural hormone replacement as well as found a new doctor who was more interested in how I feel. I now have a life without the depression and suicidial thoughts. Now the only time I get in moods of staying to myself is when my hormone replacement isn’t correct. It is a symptom that something is off. Don’t give up on yourself, once you start feeling better all else will get better. This disease definitely lets you see who really cares about you. It’s hard to explain to them but once they see what your telling them, then they start to understand. My husband laughs now when I repeat myself cuase I forgot that I’ve said that same thing two minutes ago. He knows at times, I just don’t realize that I’ve done it. He says, better to laugh about it then get upset with me. Certian things have just become part of our lives at times.

  5. Shan M. says:

    Oh Joey, I’m sitting up late, half past midnight, can’t sleep yet because I’ve eaten chocolate (organic), and taken some extra synthroid yesterday. The last few weeks I’ve had all kinds of pain trying to move first thing in the morning. Surprisingly popping the extra synth under my tongue last night, and today I was less painful and able to do much more, and faster. Some days my pace is so slow, and no matter how I focus on moving faster it is just physically impossible. Today I had movement back and my gland stopped aching. I know there’s a strong movement now against self-medication, but when the body isn’t working, when pain is caused by imbalance that can be corrected by proper medication, then we need to get to the bottom of it. So far doctors have only partially helped me because I’ve learned more than they know and when I start talking they get lost and angry and treat me like I’m an idiot.
    I too went through wanting to die because I didn’t know what was wrong with me and the world was a very scary place. I can only begin to imagine how you feel being alone and wishing you had someone to comfort and care when you feel so low. I hope you will feel welcome and loved in this group, because we are all here any time, so you’re not really alone any time you want to rage and rant. Take care and all the best.
    Shan.

  6. Joann says:

    aw Joey, I’m sorry to hear you are going through this but I’ve been there too and you are definitely not alone with your thyroid woes. You need to get off the synthetic thyroid and get some natural thyroid replacement in your body (but get your adrenals checked first!) You are probably one of the many people that can’t convert T4 to T3 efficiently. Your depression is biochemical and your heart problems were probably thyroid related as well. Get a new doctor quick!

  7. Kristy Bianchi says:

    Joey, I completely understand what you are going through. It is rare for men to be diagnosed, after I was diagnosed two men in my family were also showing symptoms. It seems like no one understands what we are going through. It is hard, but the thing that helps me is to remember what it was like before I got sick and to keep up hope that I am going to one day get somewhat back to that feeling. Suicide is NEVER the answer. There are reasons that we are put here on Earth. I feel like our disease needs recongnition, esp from a man that is dealing with this. I have lost a lot in my life from my disease. But I have also found a strength in me that I didnt know exisisted. Dont give up!! I have spent MANY nights in ICU with my heart on the verg of exploding. My resting heart rate would be as high as 180+ at a RESTING rate. I know that I have damage that is going to significantly cut the length of my life. But thats all the more reason to live life as much as possible. I see all the little things and enjoy them. Use your moods to do something maybe artistic. Pen memoirs to let people know what we are really going through. Please never give up!

  8. Viiu says:

    Hi Joey,

    I absolutely agree with everyone here with you getting better doctor if you can find one. It may be very frustrating. I too had times when i thought -that is it for me, no more, but then one day passed after another and with slow changes in my life it got better. Some days all i had to live for seemed to be sunshine outside of my window and sometimes that was enough to just go out to get some fresh air and give my thoughts a break. whatever made me feel better i continued doing and very slowly my life turned around, it took quite few years. I too didn’t have no one to even talk to back when i was at my worst, i was alone, single mom who struggled to get meds. You have much more life force in you than you might think, just gotta start think positively more even if you don’t want to, even if it seems pointless, find something to feel glad about and continue making yourself happy. Listen what your gut tells you and what your body tells you. Take responsibility for getting better and you will win this. I really hope you will find the help you need from here, women or men, it is still nasty little problem we are all facing. I have had thyrotoxicosis and grave,s and possibly hashimotos as well. I managed to drive myself into remission without meds, no doctor so far even acknowledges that. I want to help others by letting them know what my experience was because i could of died too but i didn’t and i think that is worth something. You too can make yourself better Joey, just believe in yourself a bit more and we are here for you if you need a reminder of how important you are in this world.

  9. Shan M. says:

    Joey, have you joined the Dear Thyroid facebook group? Its a good way of having daily contact, getting to know others, learning helpful info. and expressing whatever.
    Shan.

  10. Melissa says:

    Hi Joey, Thank you for sharing. I think we all have in some form, felt the same sense of defeat at some point. You are NOT your disease(s), although it has tried to convince you otherwise. You are worthy of love, friendship, support and to fight to regain your sense of self. I too as many here, went thru times where we have to protect ourselves from insensitive ppl not understanding. In time, there will be some balance and for every rude person, there is a supportive many. If you cannot find them locally, and let’s face it many of us cannot (I live in Los Angeles and it gets lonely even here ) because ppl are always on the go chasing some ratrace! ok not all true, the truth is i get tired haha.) There are so many faces on the net that are happy to connect, share, support and that are also grateful to hear that they are not alone. What helped during those super challenging times was not to set unrealistic or stressful goals, just modified them to what was accessible be it reading, a religious activity, or sometimes the energy was tough to muster for basic hygiene. Feel free to vent, especially whenever you are in pain…we are here for you as long as it takes for this storm to pass. These Dear Thyroid Support groups have been a source of strength for me.

  11. Bee says:

    Joey- Don’t give up! Don’t give in! Acknowledge your feelings, embrace them and move thru them. I believe all of us with thyroid disease have felt like you. It’s what this disease does—it creeps up and hits you over the head***BAM*** but dust yourself off and be happy for every breath you take. This too shall pass- I just told myself this exact same thing yesterday- I just wiped the tears off my cheeks today because I was wondering how much longer I’d have on earth—so I plan on trying to enjoy every second I have left–feelin’ ya, brother!!!

  12. Donna says:

    Welcome Joey,

    Everyone here has given you great advise. You can’t give up, none of us can. It is not easy and we understand because we live in a similar world on a daily basis. You are not alone. I am a follicular thyroid cancer survivor, same synthroid dose as you and honestly some days are better than others. I was led to believe that one little pill would take the place of my perfectly functioning thyroid and it is not true. Reading here and sharing is where you will get some of the best information about your condition and the comfort of knowing that you are not alone. Please try to do some additional things that have been suggested and see how that goes, you might be pleasantly suprised. Also, as hard as this may sound, put yourself out there and see what happens. There are good people left in this world and you are worthy of love just like everyone else. Plenty of people have health problems and most won’t judge you for yours and those that would are insignificant in my opinion. It’s not easy, I understand, but you can improve the quality of your life once you start taking steps in that direction. If your doctor is not listening, simply find a new one. Don’t put up with any crap! Good luck sweetie! We are here if you need us!

  13. Sarah says:

    Joey- I hope by reaching out here that you are able to find the support you deserve! You are VERY worthy of plenty of affection! Please let us embrace you with a virtual hug and know you’re most certainly not alone!!
    *hugs*

  14. Joey, you are so brave. Your openness and honesty are amazing and refreshing. You’ve been through so much, more than your words convey, I’m sure. But I want to tell you that I am so glad you shared your story with us. Stories like yours tell the rest of the world that a thyroid disease is not an excuse. (Because isn’t that what the rest of the world thinks, that people who say they have a thyroid disease are just looking for an excuse to be overweight?) Whether you realize it or not, you’re helping create awareness, showing others the harsh reality of living with a thyroid disease. Thank you.

    I’m so glad you’re a part of this community. You are worthy of our affection, and our affection you shall receive.

    xo,
    Joanna

  15. Christine says:

    Joey
    I am moved by your letter, for stepping out and giving words to all that you are feeling and going through.
    I know, I know, I know how it feels to be where you are, so many of us do. Please please please! know that you are not alone in this.
    I also know when in that dark place that it is hard to hear words of comfort and encouragement, but please take it to your heart and know – above all else – that it can get better…
    How long ago since your thyroidectomy? I know for me it was a clawing, kicking, crying, WTH!?! kind of fight day in and day out for quite awhile afterward, and I am just now coming out on the other side of things. I know I wanted to feel better NOW, I wanted to be something more than what I was NOW! I wanted so much NOW! I so get that – I do.
    It took a lot of time to make the medicine adjustment, to find (we are still trying to find that balance) the right combo of meds to get me to a better place.
    You’ve been through so much, too much and for that I am more sorry than I can say.
    You will find such amazing understanding and support here, and yes – check out the facebook page for DearThyroid – and if you need someone to vent to – talk to – a touchstone – you can find many of on twitter too.
    For all – I am @LiveLaughLoveCj on twitter – and will answer you – I promise!
    Joey, I send you the very best thoughts, belief in a better you …. that you too will come out of this to the other side….
    Please, Please, Please – don’t give up! Don’t ever give up!
    Having lived in the depth of such darkness, now walking in a better light…

  16. HD inOregon says:

    Hello Joey,

    I’m HD (stands for Hans-Dieter), am male, and am a thyroid cancer survivor. – Thanks for writing your great and very honest letter!! — It takes a lot of guts to write, but it is also very therapeutic (I think)!

    I had my thyroid out 3 years ago, and my endo is still fiddling with my medication. It can take a really long time until your body is balanced (and then something changes, diet or other health issues, and the whole shabang (sp?) is out of whack again! It’s so frustrating!

    I fully agree with the others here, finding a good doctor is key to feeling better. I hope your situation improves very soon. — Hang in there! This forum is a wonderful support group! We’re here for each other!

    Take care,
    HD in Oreogn

  17. Dear Thyroid says:

    Hi Joey;

    Hang in. To echo everyone’s sentiments… You’ve been through absolute hell. Now it’s time to recover and find a doctor willing to partner with you, to achieve optimal health.

    We/I believe in you, Joey. All of the dreams that you have, and wish to come true, will.

    You’re a very special, brave man. One day, things will get better and you will find yourself happy, healthy, and in love.

    We’re all here for you.

    Katie

  18. Dear Thyroid says:

    To Everyone –

    WOW SQUARED. YOU ARE — PERFECT. Every day, you take my wig off and remind me how sacred this space is that we’ve created together.

    BIG LOVE,
    Katie

  19. Lolly says:

    hi Joey,

    I missed this yesterday but just wanted to add you are certainly not alone, male or female. You will never be alone here. Most of us know exactly how you feel I myself only last week felt like throwing the towel in, so to be speak. But I’m just not a quitter even though no matter what life throws at you sometimes you just don’t feel strong enough to cope with it.

    You do need to make sure you are getting adequate thyroid replacement I too have graves disease had my thyroid removed over 3 years ago and the ups and downs I have had with getting stable on the Levothyroxine has been taxing not to mention the shit docs I have had,. but last appointment I had enough and my endo is no longer I am alone again trying to fight a system I can’t seem to win I am trying to be assertive about it but every knock takes a little more out of me and I have to try and brush myself off and get right back up again.
    I hope you can do the same keep talking to us lets see if we can help you some way.

    His some ThyLove from Lolly once you’ve had it you’ll never want for more.

    I’ve got some great thyrellas and friends on here too, have supported me when I needed it most and for this I am truly grateful. they know who they are.

    Hugs
    Lollyx

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