Like a Chrysalis Waiting for Spring
I call you that because up until last week, I thought you were doing your job.
Its been a downhill slide for a few years. Me always justifying my behaviors or weight gain, or heavy clotted periods with some sort of stressful event coinciding in my life. I always had a reason to be pissed off work, people suck, idiots abounding. No tolerance for bullshit. I figured maybe it’s because I’m getting older, not as young and stupid, I thought…
Then I saw the lump. Well, I didn’t see it, my aunt did. She came up from Biloxi, Mississippi to Massachusetts for a family visit. My aunt the medical coder, the neurology nurse, the medical genius of our family, in a very soft voice said over lunch, “Honey, swallow again, would you? that southern drawl expressing concern as she glared at my neck… I swallowed again and she said, “Hon, you NEED to get that checked, then she resumed eating. Easy, huh? I’d had trouble swallowing for weeks, but figured it was a leftover flu from the winter (again, justifying).
My boyfriend couldn’t care less, he was in the process of unloading me anyway….oddly enough after I told him to lay off criticizing my employment and how I had been exhausted for months.
So i get a test. Normal, they say. Ultrasound…not so normal. Two rather large cysts, possibly more….
For making me angry and never knowing why. Crying for no particular reason; fighting for no cause. Depressed, and exhausted.
But thanks to my aunt…maybe hope.
For the Boyfriend….he doesn’t/won’t ever understand it. As far as he is concerned, I deserted him when he “needed” me at his father’s funeral.
Tried telling him I couldn’t breathe.
Tried telling him I couldn’t get out of the car…
Didn’t matter….was all an excuse.
Kelsroid doesn’t exist any more.
Neither does Kelley.
But she will find her way back.
I’m stronger than any nodule.
Kelley Slater, female, 41, granby, ma, no blog, diagnosed with nodules on April 9, 2010, Biopsy April 9, 2010 Currently awaiting results. Lost boyfriend due to severe depression and mood swings.