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Like a Chrysalis Waiting for Spring
Dear Kelsroid~
I call you that because up until last week, I thought you were doing your job.
Its been a downhill slide for a few years. Me always justifying my behaviors or weight gain, or heavy clotted periods with some sort of stressful event coinciding in my life. I always had a reason to be pissed off work, people suck, idiots abounding. No tolerance for bullshit. I figured maybe it’s because I’m getting older, not as young and stupid, I thought…
Then I saw the lump. Well, I didn’t see it, my aunt did. She came up from Biloxi, Mississippi to Massachusetts for a family visit. My aunt the medical coder, the neurology nurse, the medical genius of our family, in a very soft voice said over lunch, “Honey, swallow again, would you? that southern drawl expressing concern as she glared at my neck… I swallowed again and she said, “Hon, you NEED to get that checked, then she resumed eating. Easy, huh? I’d had trouble swallowing for weeks, but figured it was a leftover flu from the winter (again, justifying).
My boyfriend couldn’t care less, he was in the process of unloading me anyway….oddly enough after I told him to lay off criticizing my employment and how I had been exhausted for months.
So i get a test. Normal, they say. Ultrasound…not so normal. Two rather large cysts, possibly more….
Biopsy.
Endocrinologist.
Testing.
Waiting.
So Kelsroid…THANKS
For making me angry and never knowing why. Crying for no particular reason; fighting for no cause. Depressed, and exhausted.
But thanks to my aunt…maybe hope.
For the Boyfriend….he doesn’t/won’t ever understand it. As far as he is concerned, I deserted him when he “needed” me at his father’s funeral.
Tried telling him I couldn’t breathe.
Tried telling him I couldn’t get out of the car…
Didn’t matter….was all an excuse.
Kelsroid doesn’t exist any more.
Neither does Kelley.
But she will find her way back.
I’m stronger than any nodule.
Kelley Slater, female, 41, granby, ma, no blog, diagnosed with nodules on April 9, 2010, Biopsy April 9, 2010 Currently awaiting results. Lost boyfriend due to severe depression and mood swings.
–
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15 Responses to “Like a Chrysalis Waiting for Spring”
Leave a Reply to Lolly
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**HUGS** Lots of ***HUGS***
Very timely letter after discussing what we did yesterday.
Kelly, your moods will change the fog will lift and you will feel “new” again. Due to what we go through you will never be the same – you will be a better version.
It’s tough for our loved ones to live with us as we go through these thyroid “spells”. I am amazed to this day I am still married. I verbally beat my hubby up so bad. Now in hindsight – I understand completely what was happening during my undiagnosed time. Heck even during the figuring out phase I was no picnic!
It will get better.
Benign cysts can be aspirated and/or treated with PEI
Kelley,
Just like Hypogirl, I am sending you lots of HUGS that you so need right now.
When we are thrown a curve ball, we can either hit it out of the park or strike out. Your boyfriend struck out. You will find someone who will appreciate and accept all of you.
Depression and mood swings will eventually dissipate. As difficult as it seems right now, be patient with yourself, don’t beat yourself up, and keep talking to us.
☮ ♥
HypoG, great points, and excellent tips. I love what you wrote about depression, relating it to ‘a fog’. In so many ways, I think that’s what it feels like. And, as you said, the fog does lift.
I’m glad you and hubby worked things out.
xo
Alejandro- Thanks for chiming in and sharing your two cents. Can you please tell us what PEI is?
Thanks.
Monica – well said and totally agreed.
xo
Kelley,
all I can say is if your X beau wasn’t prepared to beleive you or even understand what you might then have been going through it’s better that it stopped now before it got any worse. You need someone who will be with you try and understand the ups and downs of any thyroid disease and is willing to be patient and most of all take for cover when the rages start.
You are not alone fingers crossed the nodule is benign, but either way I’m glad your Aunty was on the ball and spotted it.
Let us know how you get on and if there is anything we can help you with don’t hesitate to ask. I think the waiting is the hardest part of biopsies. I know.
Hugs
Lolly
Lolly – Beautifully said, great points and a wonderful show of support.
xo
Thank you, Kelley, for this beautiful, heart-felt letter. Thyroid diseases change us so much that it’s so easy to lose ourselves. I wish I could give a formula on how to find yourself again, but I can’t. I think it’s different for everyone. But I can tell you from experience that it’s possible to redefine yourself in the midst of struggling with a thyroid disease. It’s a process, but it’s possible. Don’t give up on yourself. We’re here to help you along the way in ANY way we can. If you’re willing, I hope you’ll share the biopsy results with us. We’re rooting for you.
xo,
Joanna
(hugs) Kelley lots and lots of (hugs).
the waiting is the hardest part – isn’t it? I hope you will keep us posted as you can about the results.
As for the boyfriend…. um, hmmm, you said “he was in the process of unloading you” I’d rather say it is the other way around, at the time of YOUR need, he couldn’t step up, so you – by virtue of your thyroid, showed him the door! 😉
You also said
“… But she will find her way back.
I’m stronger than any nodule.”
Yes you ARE! You ARE! YOU ARE!!!
P.S. ^5 to your aunt for spotting this and encouraging you to seek help!
We are here… for you…. together we can help you be stronger, be better, to light the way til you find your way back! (hugs)
kelley,
don’t worry about the x, he’s definitely not worth it. i used to have anxiety attacks frequently thanks to all my problems. i had a bf many years ago that i tried to hide my problems from he wanted to be supportive so i let him see in the midst of a panic attack. he wouldn’t answer my phone calls for a few days. then called me to ask when he could return the stuff i left at his house. i haven’t had a bf since then.
all you can do is surround yourself with people who are supportive and rid yourself of those that aren’t!!
hope you hear soon on the biopsy & its good news!
hope your news is good news…glad you had a reason to rid yourself of your 1st problem, “The BF”-what an uncaring SOB. and since we’re on ther topic of SOBs, if you want me to declare my hatred for your BF and tell you what a slimy dickhead prick he sounds like, I’ll be glad too. You’re getting just the best thyroid support ever here and so since i can’t add much to those comments I’d like to be the first to offer to dis your bf with you—-my gland is being a bitch right now and I do need an outlet for the dark uglies it’s producing. Let me know. I CAN be a master of the ‘TUDE…just offering
Bee come an off load on me anytime I’m sure between the two of us it will make for a hilarious onslaught cus I’m in the same boat or should I say Yacht.
I just wanted to Add Kelley thank you for sharing your letter with us and good riddance to bad fucking rubbish who needs negativety in your life.
Keep sharing we’ll keep caring.
Lolly
PEI-Percutaneous ethanol injection
After content of benign cyst is aspirated, the ethanol is injected into it. This causes walls of the cyst to collapse.This procedure is not used very often
“Percutaneous ethanol injection therapy in the treatment of thyroid and parathyroid diseases” by Finn Noe Bennedbæk, Steen Karstrup and Laszlo Hegedüs published in
European Journal of Endocrinology, Vol 136, Issue 3, 240-250
Article abstract is here:
http://www.eje-online.org/cgi/content/abstract/136/3/240
Kelly, this disease sure does test relationships, you find out so much about a partner by their treatment of you when you’re ill, and can learn whether or not they’re a ‘keeper’.
Shan.