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Breaking Up Is Never Easy To Do, Especially After 27-Years Together
Dear Thyroid,
First I would like to say I’m sorry. I miss you. We had about 27 good years together years I took for granted. I am so sorry you have been caught in up in what has been the worst time in my life. Did you feel my stress when my father was in the hospital several times last summer? When he was life-flighted after a heart attack, were you trying to tell me then and I couldn’t hear you? Or when my grandmother became very ill during her long battle with cancer, were you crying out for attention and I didn’t notice? I thought things couldn’t get worse, but I know now they certainly can and will.
What went wrong? We never had a problem before. Only you know how long it was there growing inside us, but I found it in late 2009. I just wonder how long you were wanting to tell me.
A doctor, during a routine physical for a new job, informed me you felt enlarged on the left side and to see my family doctor to follow up. Having had some symptoms like constipation, a tingling tongue, bad menstruals, and feeling oh so tired, all of which I had chalked up to stress, I finally heard your scream for help and went to see my doctor. While waiting for the appointment I did some research online and decided you must be hypothyroid;.the doctor will give us a pill and send us on our way. Well NO that’s not what happened. The doctor took some blood without even feeling you, and after a week I heard nothing. I decided to call and was told by the secretary that my blood work was fine and it was not my thyroid. WHAT?! You must have been so frustrated that the doctor didn’t help us. She didn’t even try to feel you that day;.but I did. Everyday I felt the large lump in my throat, and I knew it was not good. So I got you a new doctor. I was trying to help you dear friend but it was already too late. This new doctor did help us, he ordered an ultrasound, and that was my first glimpse of you, and cancer. It’s never good news when the doctors’ office calls the morning after a test and wants to see you in person. A biopsy must have been so uncomfortable for you. I’m sorry once again;. I never imagined I would be left without you.
Another morning phone call after Thanksgiving to see the doctor in person and I knew we were in trouble. I sat in that plastic chair looking at my mother and feeling shock and disbelief. At least I’m not crazy I said, almost relieved there really was something physically wrong and not mentally. Can you imagine? UGH! “We think it is cancer, but cannot be sure until it is removed…
First surgery was December 29, 2009. It was the beginning of the end for you and I. The next day I got the news. “It is indeed follicular carcinoma, and we have already scheduled your next surgery to remove the rest of the thyroid. I began to cry. The surgeon told me not to be upset because this is the best cancer to have. At that moment I was in too much anguish, attached to an IV and too many wires to throw my puke bucket at him, but thinking back I wish I would have. Happy F***ing New Years! January 4, 2010, was the second surgery to remove the rest of you. Goodbye.
Thyroid, you did the best you could considering the circumstances. Cancer is nasty and relentless, and it pains me to say you didn’t have a chance. I know it was hard for you to leave me. The nuclear medicine doctor, who gave me RAI, said he couldn’t give me a larger dose since there was a more than usual amount of thyroid tissue left. He feared damaging my salivary glands and taste buds, but I feared remaining cancer cells. Cancer, Cancer, CANCER!
As I said before, don’t think things cannot get worse. As if a cruel joke of fate, my grandmother passed away before I completed treatment for thyroid cancer. Without you, thyroid, and no replacement hormones yet, you can only imagine how emotional I have become. But she fought cancer for over 20 years and defied all the odds given by doctors. Watching her taught me how to fight and how powerful determination can be. I will continue my fight in her memory. It may have been some really bad timing, but as you and I know cancer doesn’t care.
I wish I could go back in time and save you. But I can’t. It’s far too late, and you’re gone. The grieving process is difficult. My whole body is out of whack, and it’s having a hard time without you. So far, this hormone replacement isn’t replacing you, and I fear it never will. How can you ever forgive me?, I miss you when I wake up early every morning to take that pill. I miss you while I am waiting an hour to eat so the pill can be absorbed. I miss you when I look at the nasty scar on my neck. I miss you when my knees feel so stiff I could swear they were the knees of an eighty year old. I miss you when my stupid organic deodorant doesn’t cover up my body odor. I miss you when I can’t remember what the heck I was just doing. I miss you when I don’t have the damn energy for what I need to do, or for that matter what I want to do. I miss you when I must make more doctor’s appointments. I miss you when I am crying and no one but you understands how this has changed me.
My mind runs all day and night trying to decide what it might have been. What caused this cancer, and how do I avoid it in the future? Something in my diet? Something I used on my hair? I will never know what something it was, but my mind won’t stop trying to figure this out. Or maybe I have some defective genes. Maybe my family is just damned cursed. I don’t know but I desperately want to figure out how a healthy young mother can be blindsided by cancer, and left changed forever.
Now thyroid, although this letter has been very emotional for me to write, do not feel bad for me. It is not our fault that cancer has reared its ugly head into our lives. But since it did, it meant we had to sacrifice. I am so sorry it had to be you, but my family needs me, and I am staying here until I am old and gray. I will learn to adjust with out you thyroid, I figure if I can get through this I can do anything. I am thankful for the years we spent together. Know you are not forgotten and I will live my life to the fullest because I am determined to make this awful time turn into something positive.
Brianna
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19 Responses to “Breaking Up Is Never Easy To Do, Especially After 27-Years Together”
Leave a Reply to Brianna
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Brianna,what a wonderfully written letter. It is brave,thoughtful, powerful and hopeful. You WILL make it,and you WILL and HAVE made a difference in others lives with this trial you are going through. Thank you for the inspiration!
Terah
Oh Brianna, I am so sorry you have had to go through this. It is a rough time grasping and dealing with this ugly thing. Stay strong and be very involved with your treatment. There are several options of replacements, and from my research, most do well with the natural approach rather than synthetic replacement, the aches, pains and tiredness will disappear when you find that one that works best for you.
So much of what you write is like reading some of my one story, and I am sure like so many others when we face the news that our Thyroids have gone wrong.
Stay Strong, reach for support of others who DO understand and find the right thyroid replacement for YOU.
Theresa
Terah –
What a beautiful show of support, and wonderfully inspiring! You rock, Thysistah.
xo
Theresa –
Magnificent show of support, and you are so right, it’s about finding the right thyroid replacement, well a huge part of it, to be sure.
Unfortunately, as arduous a process as that is, it’s a worthy, necessary one. It can mean the difference between a great quality of life, and a frustrating one.
Many of us are still in ‘the process’. Fighting, and staying strong, and reaching out for support, are on point. Beautifully said.
xo
Brianna
Oh my heart is so heavy for all that you have had to endure. (hugs) my thysista and lots of them.
You said it all when you said ” I will learn to adjust with out you thyroid, I figure if I can get through this I can do anything.” The adjustment will come, it takes time and some maneuvering, but it can happen. YES! YES! YES! if you can get through this, you can indeed get through ANYTHING!
Be well my friend, take good care of you and yours. Here are positive thoughts that the rest will surely follow.
Brianna,
I still have mine, eating away at me from inside which is different I think from absence, scarring and feeling crap and regretful, but similarly degrading. I hate it that life becomes about the bloody thing, that trying to stop my armpits smelling ‘socially unacceptable’ means a guilt trip about using aluminum, washing my body about chemicals, eating about additives and chemicals. It limits what I feel able to accomplish because stress is damaging. And family and friends must think of me as a disease case. I think we thyroid folk in this group are more in touch than ever before and if there’s one good thing to come out of all we’ve been through, its having each other to tell it to. Thanks for telling us your story. Go grab life and give it a whirl!
Brianna, great letter. I have felt and thought everything you have said. My thyroid cancer was papillary. It seems like we had exactly the same timeline of discovery and surgery (mine came out mid-January). That’s why I love this site because whenever I feel like nobody else gets the whole BS thing I’ve just gone through, I read a letter like yours. You get it! And do you know the guilt I have over the whole aluminium deoderant thing? I have tried every freakin’ organic deoderant. I can’t find one that works. I’m a hairdresser, so I’m working with heat and my armpits are at face level for my clients. I feel like I have no option. I only buy organic fruits and veggies now. I struggle with the deoderant every day. After what we’ve been through, you look at everything because if there’s anything I can even remotely control that might prevent having to do this cancer thing again, I’m gonna try. My mom and uncle are also in the cancer club. My mom’s a two timer even. She’s still here. And so am I. And so are you.
Brisnna,
What a great letter, every word you said I felt for you you rpain your anguish the rat bastard doc who said your levles were okay and did nothing else to find out what was actually going on. down to the dicovery of your cancer how that must have felt for you. not only did you have to deal with your own health but that of your dads and your grandmother too. she sounds like she was hell of a strong women and you sound like you are just going to be following in her foot steps to defy all odds and survive her cancer for 20 year or more that shows her guts and determination. Look up to her you can do it too, just getting the right balance or even the right medication will go a long way in your recovery.
I wish you all the best now and in the future with a life free from cancer with good docs to help you through this and a great community of thysistas and thybros to be at your side through it all.
Ps and as for the dsurgeon who said you had the good cncer you shoikd have thrown the suick bowl over him I would have chucked my commode full filled.
Best wishes
Lolly
Ps again I don’t know what kind of English I have written but just in case you can’t understand it double dutch.
decifer
And as for the Surgeon who said you had the good cancer you should have thrown your sick bowl over him, I would have thrown my (added a bit or alot) my laxative induced thyconstipated commode over him what a shite statement to make, no cancer is a good cancer no matter where you have it.
Brianna,
My heart goes out to you. Thanks for your wonderful letter. I did not have the RAI after surgery and every once in a while I wonder if any cancer cells are still circulating throughout my body. Glad to hear you’re eating organic, and regarding the deodorant? I have a shelf full of organic deodorants and I wish I could say that I smell like a rose at the end of the day.
Stay strong.
☮ ♥
Brianna, I LOVE this letter. I can really identify with you on getting the call from the doctor that you have to come back in. Your gut drops because you know that the doctor doesn’t ask you to come back in to tell you everything looks great. You don’t know whether you should cry or puke or both. (I cried, but probably would have felt better if I puked.)
I love this: “I miss you when I am crying and no one but you understands how this has changed me.”
This is so beautiful and perfect. I couldn’t say it any better!
I admire you, the way you are pressing on with your life. Your determination is inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story with us!
xo,
Joanna
Thank you for all the comments!!!!!!!!! It makes me feel better that others can relate and are inspired by my letter. I am also glad I’m not the only one who thinks organic deoderant sucks!! LOL
You have me in tears!!! Brianna you did a wonderful job and I am right there with you! I agree with the Happy F***king New years statement… I laughed because I would being thinking the same thing. I am proud you did throw that bucket at him..how dare he say that.. he ought to know better being a surgeon! I am also with you on the organic deodorant! I am sorry about your Grandmother.. I had a wonderful Grandmother as well!!! Live on my dear.. I am with you on the grown old and gray! I have five kids counting on me and no telling how many grandchildren some day!!! Love you much Brianna!!
Love Angela your sister in Hypo!
Christine – I absolutely love what you highlighted, and your incredible support for Brianna, is so appreciated. You are a peach.
xo
Shan – What you are enduring with your thyroid is awful, and we so appreciate your willingness to share more of yourself with Brianna.
And, and, and the support is incredible, and appreciated.
xo
Michelle – Love, love, love everything you wrote. This My mom’s a two timer even. She’s still here. And so am I. And so are you. Took my breath away. Beautiful sentences. Beautifully said, and so true.
Thank you for sharing more of you with us.
xo
Oh, i loved this…and OMG, someone who talks tenderly about their thyroid the way I feel about mine. I too feel my poor thyroid did its best and I have no hard feelings at all….my thyroid tried to keep going….it just got too tired when the docs wouldn’t help.
Not cancer in my case…just garden variety atrophied hashi’s gland…but still a great loss for me.
but truly, what you have written is beautiful…
Brianna, thank you for sharing your story. You write so beautifully and I also appreciated the way you are friends with your thyroid because I know many of us resent our thyroids (as Cindi mentioned above). I love your last sentence: “Know you are not forgotten and I will live my life to the fullest because I am determined to make this awful time turn into something positive” – you are inspiring and this is something we should all aspire to!
I do feel where you’re coming from…its a scary new world out there now that we are alone again.
But I have to say I was delighted to kick mine out of my life last week, after our 36 yr relationship became increasingly abusive…It was when it started strangling me that I knew it had to go.
We can hold hands together, you and I, as we enter the world once again and try to live anew xxx