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Chronic Snarkopolist: My Pooper Paparazzi
Hello cats! I am so excited to be back with you! I just got back from visiting the poop-shoot doc. We were discussing the big “slice-em dice-em day.” That’s right. I’m going in for the big surgery of rectalia doom. Oy.
Meanwhile – I just want to tell you that he works with all women doctors and surgeons. And on the days when THEY are working the lobby is full of all the sorts of people you would EXPECT to find at a colorectal surgeon doctor’s office. I mostly see older people here with canes and oxygen tanks. And then there is the occasional huffy middle-aged person defensively waiting to explain least you think they had too much accidental anal sex and didn’t drink their prune juice properly. And once I saw a peppy looking prep-school girl in her uniform and her mother. Who knows why she was there? She looked way too happy to be in that office. You also see a few people like me – tight faced, in obvious pain- sitting on the FLUFFIEST CHAIRS POSSIBLE.
But on the day when only Dr. Mchotterson is working (he’s the cute young guy) – ONLY younger women are there. I swear! The entire place looks like it is packed out for a gynecological exam and being outfitted for the latest in baby-maker birth control devices. Wait a minute! Seriously- did that attractive coiffed woman just take out her handbag and spritz her derriere with rose scented spray and a face wipe because she is up next?
Have I been in too much pain these last few visited to really understand what has been going on with Dr. Mchotterson? All the women are shifting in their seats excitedly (or uncomfortably- I cannot quite tell as I too am hovering on my left side quite in pain), putting on lipstick. This is clearly date night for them.
Suddenly I hear slow jazz and Barry White’s voice. The receptionist hand’s each of us flowers with the clipboards – Dr. Mchotterson is doing it up right. The flowers are just pens actually- so we don’t steal them- they all go in a pot to look like a bouquet. But each woman squeals a little- like chocolates are next. Then champagne… then exotic dancers? Meow! It is OUR DAY with THE Mchotterson!
I’m a trained sociologist- so I slump on my left side, wincing, and go into no judgment zoo watching mode. More women primp. They are all young enough to be of childbearing age. I’ve never seen this many women at the colorectal surgeons before – and I am an old hand at this. I’ve never noticed the doctor. He was a cast off for me three months ago because the woman surgeon was waitlisted Doc Mchotterson had an earlier opening.
I did not WANT a man diving into my sweet spot- but I took it because desperate times breed desperate Melissa’s. At the time the receptionist tried to convince me too, “No really- you’ll LOVE Dr. Mchotterson EVERYONE DOES.” And she emphasized it like she was promising something – like a happy ending or giving me a sales pitch in a singsong voice. I thought it was because he was a man and she HAD to convince me. I never thought it was because maybe the receptionist also had a crush on him too! I never paid attention – because once again – this isn’t my first go around and I’ve done this bum-hole thing before. I’m all work no play down there when it comes to my doctoring (this can be negotiated if we’re actually dating … but I digress). I don’t pay attention to cute doctors (except my neurologist- but these are stories for later – meow!). Meanwhile – I am ALL anal business and NOT Mchotterson monkey business.
Today I am even bringing him PICTURES of my fissure from my last colonoscopy COLOR PICTURES. I signed it in gold ink to make them look more legit. My little pucker-upper has paparazzi now. And Dr. Mchotterson is going to think that I have a crush on him. WELL I NEVER! I don’t. I didn’t even want him. I do say- if I’m going to give you PICTURES of that area – you really REALLY need to be more excited to see me. Underneath I write: “Doc Mchotterson, please do not post these to the Internet unless you put my paypal address on it too and charge at least $9.99 per hit. Here is my link, love, Melissa.”
Hey- a girl’s gotta pay medical bills somehow. Maybe someone out there has fissure fetishes?
Now I feel slightly angry even. Mortified that he might think I am there to get my flirt on instead of get my pooper fixed up. In fact, I have several surgeries this month thank-you-very-much. He is not even my only surgeon! My dance card is FULL. I have a chronic-sickness-life! I am too busy for him! He’d better not think I sliced up my arse just to have HIS attention like all these other women. I only took a shower because I thought it the decent thing to do- like changing underwear or brushing one’s teeth.
It was NOT anything special. I mean – to think he might think I was attempting to get his pathetic affection like all these other wanton strumpets. Now I am TRAINED NOT TO JUDGE PEOPLE mind you– but really- those women are pathetic –throwing yourself at a doctor like that just because he’s really fucking hot. I do say! The glittery parfum powder on my ass post shower was just to catch excess moisture “down there”. I mean – I have a thing about hygiene. DO NOT JUDGE.
He is cute (in the most professional way possible mind you). Have I mentioned that? I haven’t had sex in what seems like decades. Maybe even a century. As I bent over his table and he felt me up I realized that the only physical touch I ever get is from doctors and massage therapists – and I pay for it. If I am paying them- they are MY WHORES. Dr. Mchotterson is my whore! He is finger fucking my ass and I am paying for the unpleasantly painful privilege. So I babble incoherently the entire time to take my mind off it. Because if I shut up and be quite I might realize there is a man with his gloved hand up my ass and I might yell either – “Please make my hurting ass stop now” or, “I need more skin contact – look me in the eyes when you and tell me you love me.” Who knows? Instead I babbled – truly incoherently. Because that is what I do when I am uncomfortable and someone cute is fondling my pink bits.
And it was the best sex I’ve had in weeks-months-years. And it was terribly painful and horrible and clinical and humiliating I cried a little and begged him to stop, bled a bit, might have called him a few names, and a nurse watched like an Olympic judge the entire time. And like I said – best sex I had in ages.
Our surgery is slated for the first full week in July. I’m nervous about it too. And sadly, after that there will be no reason to see him. Really though – I am terrified of the surgery – so much so that I attempted to NOT have it for about six months but all the specialists agree that NOT having it is NOT an option. And I even freaked out and cried in his office – so not only have I (not ) flirted (much)I have acted like an ass in front of Dr. Mchotterson. Oh dear. Perhaps I should wait till AFTER the surgery to hypenate my name to his? Yes? You think telling him that medical school ruined his ability to have an emotional connection was overboard? I hope he doesn’t take it out on my ass because he is going to be elbows deep in it soon.
So my dears – what is happening in your world? Any doctors crush worthy? Any docs or healthcare providers being horrific and treating you badly? Are you being under-treated? How are you feeling? How is life working for you?
How are you staying sane? I want to hear your world too! What’s your haps? Anything humiliating ever happen to you? Anything fabulous happen? Have you ever cried in front of your doc? How are you handling your shit? I want to know! Dish!
I’ll be seeing you next week! Same time same place! Kisses!
—
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Tags: anal fissures, chronic autoimmune disease, Chronic Snarkopolist, chrons disease, Dear Thyroid Column, side effects of chronic conditions, written by Melissa Travis
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19 Responses to “Chronic Snarkopolist: My Pooper Paparazzi”
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This is fantastic! ☺
I felt right at home reading about your poor pooper. Until last December, I had typed patient pooper reports for 16 years. Thanks for the laugh, I really needed one today.
Good Luck with your surgery. Hope the docs elbows don’t need to go too deep and this takes care of it for you!
This is a great description of how awful I feel if I have to go to doc about anything below the waist.
Well done for making us laugh by sharing the pain and shame. Attagirl:) respect!
Hi Cate! Thanks for the compliments!!
Would love to hear more about you! What’s going on in your world? Anything scandalizing? Mortifying? Delightful?
Hit me!
x
Melissa
hahaha – Lori!! Of COURSE YOU DID!!! My pooper and you are gonna be BFF’s!
Thanks for the luck. Though I have other surgeries slated -OMG – the only one I’m NERVOUS about is the pooper!
How about you– what’s going on in your world? Anything fab? Wanna know!
sending out the love!
xx
Melissa
Hi Shan,
My my – I’m usually such a trouper about “below the waist” stuff. In my head its always just a really terrible fumbly lover. … it’s how I get by, ok. 😉
RESPECT BACK!!
Gimme more about you! Sending it back out! What’s on your plate for the week?
mucho lovin,
xx
Melissa
Melissa,
wishing you all the best with your upcoming surgery had a few of those experiemces myself with sigmoidoscopy, why do they say you won’t remember a thing take this sedative it would take a fucking horse pill to knock me out i remember every fucking thing, worse thing is the flatulence after.
Last one I had they never even offered me a sedative said if it gets too uncomfortable just ask by then Dr colon was already doing the biopsy is that really what my insides look like I was watching it hopeing they wouldn’t meet anything on the way did the anemia work my butt was fucking sore they never even gave me chance to peel myself of the toilet.
the best part was when it was all over all those suckers who’d had sedatives (I know I really wanted it, it fucking hurt like hell).. had to stay in recovery a couple of hours not me I was allowedto go thank fuck for that, nio way was I passing any flatulence infront of sedated patients or any other patient, they do endocoscopies there too I jhoope they donlt use the same equipment i held and held it as soon as I left I let rip all the way down the corridor what a relief. thank goodness there was no patient being wheeled anywhere with an oxygen total conbustion.
I donlt envy your surgery I maybe going for more sigmoidoscopies I hate them.
Now tell me what are they going to be doing in this surgery I am interested.
You are too fucking hilarious, best we joke about these things they aren’t pleasant but finding humour it makes it more bearable
sending love Lolly stylie
Melissa, this is great! I have cried, no doubt. When I was about to turn 16 I was told I would need surgery on my lovely sacral bone and would have to stay in bed until the surgery a few weeks away, therefore missing my 16th birthday party. I cried like a baby and mascara ran all over the pillow my face was planted on while my rear was exposed to well-meaning medical professionals. Fun memories. I’m sure I could come up with more crying stories – there are so many, my dear!
Oh Melissa, good luck on your surgery! I’m kinda jealous you get a finger up the butt from a piece of arse doc. My sexy endo only has his hands around my neck, and it always leaves me wanting more…
Dearest Lolly!
So great to hear back from you and your pointer finger!
hahaha – I can PROMISE YOU that I’ve “let er rip” in front of PLENTY OF PEOPLE during some of my more… sensitive procedures… So we are definitely chronic sisters in that area!
Hahaha! I hold my hot air for NO ONE! Humbug! (On stage or off – some might add).
As far as this surgery- it really is NOT the worst of them and I have a far more serious surgery coming up- but I’m more WORRIED about the pooper because I’m more… well — attached to it ya know. All they are doing is taking out the chronic anal fissure. Really. It is supposed to be a “simple easy quick 30 minute procedure.”
I’m so sorry that they didn’t give you more sedative though – that kind of medicare care leaves psychic and emotional scars. It really does. I’m glad we’re talking about it – because I TRULY believe that talking and writing about it heals and humor heals.
We are healing each other with our love, support, and understanding. It is WHY I have chosen to talk freely about so many humiliating and taboo topics. We will shine light on the darkness that we have lived in! We will NOT be ashamed any longer!
Yes – we will laugh. And love and heal each other!
And occasionally there will be flatulence along the way!
Thanks so much for reading. I want to keep hearing from you! I’m so proud of you for going through what you’ve been through. Keep talking to me! Let us heal each other!
loving you back Melissa style!
Hi Laura!
So good to see you here!! And so close to home too!
Somehow being worked on our backsides is so much more vulnerable than front isn’t it?
You are a breathe of fresh air and I would LOVE to hear all your stories- crying or not crying! Come back and share as many as you can! We are here to heal and support each other. And I know that you have certainly been an inspiration to me personally as a warrior and a wonderful friend whom I have never met but who has written in to support me time and again in my other writing ventures outside of Dear Thyroid. So thank you for coming here to do more of the same!!
Keep reading and sharing more of you and your amazing stories of survival and chronic disability and illness! Loving all that you have to say!
love you like I love pixie stix,
Melissa
Haaa Nicole!
Right! We need to have a sign that tells doctors and our heal care providers not only where we HURT but where we need some good smooth lovin.
Yah? Let’s do this thing!
Chronic Snarks for getting it ON!
Loving you up (and down),
Melissa
I’ve certainly cried in front of my doctor. My gynecologist cruelly called me fat and I basically went apeshit on him. He can be very difficult to deal with at times and was not first in line when it came to handing out tact, but now we get on and since then he apologised and has stopped insulting me. I have realised he has a good heart and has my best interests at heart – I just wish he didn’t want to see me as often. His bitch of a receptionist has got my goat right now. I don’t appreciate her giving me a hard time about slightly elevated triglycerides when anyone knowledgeable should know that this is symptoms of both Hashi’s and PCOS, two conditions with which I am blessed. She suggested however that I eat less vegetable fats. It seems that if you have metabolic disorder(s), it doesn’t really matter what you eat because there will always be something wrong until your body learn to process fats correctly.
As for bums. It’s a real bummer you have to get surgery (pardon the pun!) I had surgery on my V-J a few months back because of years and years of painful sex. It was similar to something called a Fenton’s Release and nobody bothered to notice that something was physically wrong even though every gynecological exam and every act of intercourse was always excruciatingly painful. I think I have still given up on ever enjoying sex because even now it is fixed, we are still too damn tired to feel randy and my hormones are still misbehaving so my libido has gone on the blink.
I’m on Metformin for high blood sugars (which is probably the cause of the PCOS) and this causes gastrointestinal issues and I now have one of those lumps on my anus that old men and pregnant women get – can’t for the life of me think what they are called, but they are apparently more common than you’d think. I haven’t mentioned it to any of my docs as it is not huge and not causing me any pain – I just know it is there because I can feel it when I wash myself down there. The last thing I need is for my gyno to decide he wants to lance it or operate again or something similar.
My surgery wasn’t the best as I found the woman who took me into the operating theatre a patronising cow. I was fully awake and fully capable and yet she felt the need to support me – I told her I could walk on my own thank you and then she talked about me to the doctor in German in the third person, assuming I didn’t understand – of course, I did and I told her so. I speak better German than my doctor actually as he is from Romania and not from Germany. When I woke up, I was feeling fine and realised that I shouldn’t rest my bum on the gurney so kind of flipped my leg over. I got shouted at for that. I hate German medical professionals sometimes. They can be patronising and mean! I was also in pain when I woke up so insisted they give me more bloody anesthetic. It seemed to take ages before they did.
You really give me a run for my money in terms of being open about embarrassing symptoms (did you catch the other pun in there!;-))
My dad once told me about having an anal fissure. I am ashamed to say that I teased him mercilessly and started singing “We will make you fishers of men!”
I hope you surgery goes really really well. I’m so sorry you have to have so many surgeries right now. Which other ones are on the cards?
Hugs, Sarah
Melissa;
I wish your pucker pellet wasn’t the center of attention right, now and that you didn’t have to go through all of this shit.
I admire and LOVE your ability to write so honestly about all of this shit irreverently and humorously.
xo
Hey Melly Mel,
Me and my fucking painful fingers are back, I don’t know about being pointy I wish I could bend them.:-(
I don’t know what it is with me, have I got into S&M written across my forehead/butt they don’t see to want give me sedatives or knock me out for anything 7 occasions now one dentist who couldn’t numb the tooth because it was that bad the infection had hit the nerve/bone after 10 injections it still wasn’t numb my fault on that one cus I told her to pull the fucker out while the nurse said hold my hand she wished she hadn’t cus I nearly broke it. The other sigmoidoscopy, which I mentioned above and the third one 5X FNA fine needle Aspirations biopsy on suspicous thyroid nodule all in the space of 5 months and still they never got a conclusive result.
Surgeon said on the first FNA I will try without local it can be worse than the procedure itself, who’s he kidding and why strike up a conversation when I got garlic smelling surgeon with a great big fuck off needle sticking in my neck. I went through all that just to say they couldn’t get a conclusive sample and that he didn’t want to put me through anymore to risky, only real option was to have the whole thyroid out and send it to histology. Don’t I regret making that decision now, I could have lived with the thyrella goitre and nodule and hope that I would sustain remission for Graves disease. biopsy and histology came back benign, and I’ve had nothing but problems since.
I know you have been through so much yourself and are still going through it, now my hat goes off to you but then again I am not wearing one, just fire resistant knickers because of the “thyes” rubbing together and setting my pants of fire.
I’ve been away puppy and hamster sitting so never got a chance to reply to this the computer there was that slow it was fucking constipated I gave up with it.
Much Luv
Lolly
Hey Sassy Sarah!
Oddly – I JUST had some emergency Mchotterson surgery – which is why I am so late in answering!!
OMG – I cannot believe the horrors of being called names by my primary care doctor! I am glad you went OFF on him! You deserve at least some respect! I have no problem with my physicians working with me like a team and letting me know positive things I can do for my health.
My NIGHTMARE is them leaving my healthcare entirely in my own hands and having ME make decisions entirely on my own when I do not have an MD… my other similar nightmare is them doing what was done to you and bossing and cowing you like a bully after your vag surgery! Poor ladytron! I’m so glad you’re doing better!
And thank you sincerely for your sweetness regarding my cornhole surgery! LOL I’m doing much better thankyouverymuch! hahaha. Turns out it was actually an abscess and not JUST a mere fisher of men that was causing all the problemo. I’ve written extensively about it in Wednesday’s column to scandalize and delight you. Joy!
Next up once I remain alive through the week will be the gallbladder – silly stuff. Lovingly yours toots!
xo
Melissa
My Dear Lolly-Lol!
Hullo to you and your fingers. Mad hugs on how painful they are. I am sorry they are hurting you. And a hearty *whipcrack to your S&M self not being able to get knocked out! I guess you just don’t know the proper way to affect southern belle. Even though I’m a woman from the north- I KNOW how to do southern belle. It is called a mint julep and the vapors.
I cannot FATHOM an FNA without any local. I cannot. I am soo sorry that you had to deal with five of these. Now you know what it is like to be staked through the heart as a vampire… except it was through the neck. All I can say is FUCK THAT SMACK. I truly do not know how you handled it. You are a walking testament to courage and bravery. And whomever did that to you needs an equal number of FNA’s through their esophagus. STAT.
We never compare “levels” of suffering or diseases in our “chronic snarky lifestyles” my dear. We are only here to support. So yes — HATS OFF TO YOU TOO! And far and away- do not fear removal of your gland if it is harming your body and your surgeon is recommending it. Many of us live fine without the pesky buggers. Many more live fine with them gnawing away at us forever. You will find the right balance. But DO advocate for yourself my dear Lolly-lol!. I support you and you have a community of people who rally around you!
Thyes on fire for sure!
much love!
xoxo
Melissa
My dearest Melly.
I was wondering where you had got to, didn’t realise your surgery was so soon, hope all went well and that your not in too much discomfort hoping the the abscess is now under control you must have been in some pain with that.
You’ll have to teach me Southern Belle, I pick up accents quickly, maybe that will get me a Clarke Gable of the medical world who will whisk me away and take all my pain and troubles away and “doesn’t give a damn” because we will be “Gone with the wind” one can dream if only I could what I wouldn’t give to dream about whips, handcuffs S&M I don’t have to dream I am living the nightmare..
I am waiting for an urgent referral to a dermatologist I had to chase it up yesterday and got my Drs. surgery to re fax it too appointments who will be dealing with it. Don’t ever think that I don’t advocate for myself I have been fighting this fight for sometime now, but instead of things improving they are gradually getting worse.
I will stay positive that one day I will be balanced but while I get inadequate treatment then the likelihood of that is very bleak you see in the UK they seem to think that one size fits all and that levothyroxine is the only medication for Hypo or post thyroidectomy when indeed they should be looking at FT3 and maybe substituting it with a dose to help bring that level up for now I am on a big dipper going up and down like a punter in a whore house never knowing if I am hyper or hypo nearly every thyroid test I have to have yet another dose change. I am getting pissed of with it now and slowly losing my trust in all doctors. If I could treat myself I would probably be better of.
I so pleased that you have a good team working for you that is half the battle won, only wish the same could be for everyone.
Healing vibes sent your way and hope your next surgery gallbladder I beleive goes smoothly.
Thinking of you thysis and if you get time do read my thytune posted today.
Much Love
Lollyxoxo
Hey Mel,
Sorry for the delayed reply. The past few days have been quite busy. I hope your surgery went well and that you are feeling OK?
Several doctors here have made derisive comments about my weight and I’m not even that big – even before my diagnosis, I was never huge. It annoys me when doctors feel free to call you names, but can’t be bothered to help you. My gyno definitely has some issues, but because he has my best interests at heart and seems to know his stuff really well, I am sticking with him. He is the first gyno I had to take my PCOS seriously and I am thankful for that as things now seem to be improving.
I think it is great that you have a team of physicians. My thyroid doc also works with a team, my gyno being one of them. It really helps with the diagnosis and it’s muc more efficient. Sometimes we have Saturday appointments where we get to see several doctors at once.
I am so glad that your cornhole surgery went well and am sorry you have to have other surgeries. When is the next one scheduled for? Are they removing your gallbladder. I hear the new surgery for that is much simpler and leaves a much smaller scar. Did you know that many thyroid patients have gallstones? It’s because of our impaired lipometabolism, i.e. we don’t process fat correctly so it ends up turning into gallstones. I think that was the explanation my doc told me anyway.
Wishing you all the best for those upcoming surgeries and crossing my fingers and toes for you!
Love,
Sarah