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I’d Prefer A Rent Controlled Thyroid, To An Evicted One… I Think
(Written by Pattie, Benign thyroid tumor)
Dear Lost Thyroid,
I lost you more than a month ago. I was happy you were gone. You weren’t doing your job anyway and you had a 4.2cm tumor on you too. You and this tumor were such good friends that you welcomed it. You allowed it to grow everywhere in my throat. Like it owned the place. Like it was not just a guest, but a new resident. I was SO glad you were gone. You and your tumor friend, who was determined to be benign, were evicted.
Each morning, my lovely husband wakes me up with coffee just the way I like it and gives a sweet kiss. It is my favorite part of the day. Not the waking part, but the love part. 🙂 He doesn’t mind that I have morning breath or bed head. This morning was no different than any other morning. “Good morning Love”, smoochie smoochie. So, I sit up and take those first precious sips. I hear my husband leave the house for work. Ahhh, coffee. It usually is a great way to start the day. This morning something bad happened. Normally it would just be an annoyance, but today I couldn’t handle it. I get occasional weakness in my arms these days. I think that must be what happened. My very full coffee mug fell out of my hand. I just lost my grip for no reason at all. My coffee went all over. The wall, the lamp, my sheets, the floor, and the worst- my cell phone. I absolutely LOST IT! I immediately started crying uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop. Not even long enough to take a shower. Time started to run out on me. So, I called my husband, eager to hear his calming reassuring voice. As he was talking to me, I realized that I was behaving like a five year old girl who broke something of Mommy’s. This realization did not halt the crying, it only made it worse. I still don’t know how I managed to get ready for work and get there, but I did. Somehow. My phone has everything in it. My Outlook calendar reminds me of things that I forget (which is everything these days). So now, my phone doesn’t work. Now what was holding me together is not working. I am lost yet again!
I have lost myself! I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror. The heavy woman with dark circles under her eyes. The woman that rarely smiles, and snaps at everyone. The woman whose clothes don’t fit anymore. The woman who is SO tired that she sometimes doesn’t care what she looks like, even when going to work. The woman who has no motivation, no spirit, no life, no energy, no control over emotions, no memory, no concentration, no stamina…. and no joy! Who is this person? A month ago she was stressed about her upcoming thyroidectomy and the possible big “C”. But at least I knew who she was. She was recognizable. That was me. Who is this woman now? She is 10+ lbs heavier and looks and feels like all joy and energy and life has just been sucked out of her. I should be joyous. The tumor was benign. I am healing. My neck hardly hurts at all anymore and life can go on. But it’s not.
I know I am missing you, dear thyroid and that is why I am not me. I thought you weren’t doing any work for me. I know now that you were doing your best. I had blood tests last week. So, I called my doctor to check on it. My meds take a while to be effective. Which means, even after I get my dose adjusted I have more waiting. I had to leave a message for her nurse. I am sure that I sounded like a lunatic. “Help! I am not well. Please hurry and adjust my meds.”
My husband misses his wife, my 4 boys miss their mom, my employer misses their competent employee, and I MISS ME. Please help me find her!
Bio: Pattie Benger- A 33 year old woman who has lived with her defunct thyroid for many years before it was recently evicted. I have four boys and a patient husband, work full-time and go to school part-time. You can read my blog.
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19 Responses to “I’d Prefer A Rent Controlled Thyroid, To An Evicted One… I Think”
Leave a Reply to FuzzyThyroidBrain
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Oh, Patti! I wish I could give you a hug!
Pattie,
“The woman who has no motivation, no spirit, no life, no energy, no control over emotions, no memory, no concentration, no stamina…and no joy!”
Are you talking about me? I am sobbing with you. Yes, it will get better. But who knows when?
Thanks for your heartfelt letter. I hope you feel better. I know I do now that I’ve read it.
☮ ♥
Thank you, Patti, for sharing your beautiful letter with us.
“I have lost myself! I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror.”
It seems as though we all carry much our identity in that pesky little gland, doesn’t it? I know that it is hard to figure out who you are without your thyroid, because not having a thyroid changes you so very much. I’m so glad that you have a supportive family. We’re here to support you, too, to help you recognize again that beautiful soul staring back at you in the mirror.
xoxo,
Joanna
Spooky – as I just found your blog a few hours ago, and read that post earlier…and now you have me crying twice in one day.
I’ve had days like that in the past, where the smallest thing becomes the biggest crisis, and no-one understands, and I’m sure I’ll have them again in the future.
Stay strong x
Pattie, I do hope you can find you, if not the person you were the new person you are going to be, redefine YOU.
It’s good to have the understanding and support of you loved ones your n=husband sounds amazing.
things will get better it just takes time we have to learn to walk with this disease before we can run and even when we can run the legs just won’t carry us.
Very touching and emotional letter I guess we can all relate to it in one way or another.
Thank you for sharing it with us, I swear I have read it before because i remember about the coffee, I too had a TT over 3 years ago suspicious nodule/Graves and GO, things have never been the same for me since. I hope that the life will improve for you and you can enjoy your beautiful family.
Howe are you feeling now?
Any improvement?
Hugs
Lolly
“Which means, even after I get my dose adjusted I have more waiting.”
The frustration of hearing 4-6 weeks, then maybe hearing it again & again.
Thanks for the share Pattie-You wrote a letter that we all can relate too…
X
Elizabeth- I felt the hug. Thanks.
Yogichic- Thanks for crying with me over spilled coffee. 🙂 I love the support I get from all my thyfriends on Dear Thryroid. Thanks!
Joanna- I think I liked the old me better. At least I do right now. I am trying really hard but I sometimes find that I am surpised at how much my husband, friends, and family put up with and still love me! I did however, get rid of all my old clothes that don’t fit anymore. It is very healing to know that whatever I pick out of my closet to wear will fit me…. today!
FuzzyThyroidBrain- Sorry to make you cry, but thank you fro caring so much!
Lolly- You are write on my letter being previously posted. Not sure why I got so lucky to have it posted twice, but I love having double the support. Most days I am feeling better. I am still tired and crabby but my “brain fog” seems to have disappeared. I will be seeing my Endo next week for yet another adjustment (I hope anyway).
Thanks for the love Elly!
Pattie,
I have both Graves and Hashi’s, so after 8 years of fighting to get my thyroid stable, I chose to have it removed almost a year ago. OMG, what a nightmare those first six months were, emotionally and physically, I was completely debilitated and was promising myself I wouldn’t make myself live through any more torture if I would just hang on until that 6-month mark. I know, that’s pretty dark, but I was so miserable. I’m still not perfectly adjusted, but I am SO much better than I was, and still getting better.
Thyroidectomy is a huge trauma to the body, I don’t know why they don’t prepare us better for that fact.
Please hang in there, girl. You’re beautiful and lucky in so many ways. You feel horrible now, and that sucks large, but it WILL get better. And don’t rush to get your dosage increased…I went mad-hyper doing that and that threw me back to square one.
Hi Pattie,
I hope you feel better soon. Be patient, the roller coaster of adjusting medication levels unfortunately takes a very long time. – And then you get a cold, on the balance is out of whack again. Grrr.
{{{Hugs and Balance in your Life}}}
HDinOregon
Pattie cake – I am so proud of you, and in awe of your beautiful letter. you brought me to tears.
I can’t imagine any of us not being able to relate to so much of what you wrote. I’m grateful to you and for you.
Love,
DT
Hi Pattie, It is possible that your meds could work right once they are in your system fully. Everyone is different. I am hitting my fourth year w/o a thyroid and I did really well until recently when I finally figured out that I am hyper. I feel exactly like you described some days. Our bodies change and we have to stay on top of it. You have a place here that will help you to recognize that any symptoms you are experiencing may have something to do with the meds and you will know what to ask for and what your options are. That is the positive part. Give it some time. I know it is easier said than done and it is an emotional and physical battle but that may only be temporary for you. Don’t be too hard on yourself please. My son was only 5 when I was diagnosed with follicular thyroid cancer and it was and still is tough sometimes but he has amazed me with his ability to understand. Your kids will get their mom back, maybe the same or perhaps a little different but they will grow from this too. Take care sweetie. You will navigate the process for sure!
ain’t this community grand????
Reading your article it reminds me of who I used to be 🙁 At least one gain from my disease is that I can relate to a whole new set of people! Thank you for sharing a piece of yourself! I am truely grateful!
just had enough went off eutroxsig 150mg daily have gone from outgoing person to housebound due to heavy weight gain complete facial change full thickness of neck had severe graves disease tumour size of grapefruit wrapping around vocal chords and spine thought i was going mad md would not listen to me about body changes after op sat here crying saying this is me please help guys as have no where else to turn had op 2 and half years ago i thought it was just me need help to control weight gain short of starving oneself at frustrated end help help help please denise