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Karma’s a Bitch and I Am a Grudge Holder

Post Published: 16 July 2010
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Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 12 responses. Leave a comment

Dear Thyroid,

Please excuse me for not getting back to you sooner. I’ve been busy trying to actually live my life since you decided to throw a monkey wrench into the mix. I’ve been trying to formulate a plan where thyroid sufferers could be afforded unlimited healthcare resources along with a generous monthly stipend so we wouldn’t have to do normal things, like work! Alas, I have been unable to mastermind a plan that would enable us to actually have the time to focus on our illness and recovery.

I mean, it’s only a thyroid problem, right? It’s not like we’ve had traumatic childhood experiences (like my one patient with the darling haircut and designer fingernails who drove a nice car while on disability) or my other patient with a form of cancer that was in remission who tells me about the movies she sees AT A REAL theater or the great shoe sales she finds (because she’s got to fill her days with something, don’t you know?) while waiting for her CPA husband to get home to drive her to their weekend cottage and waiting for her disability check to arrive. Or the patient with the crooked dick (there’s a urological name for it) which made it too uncomfortable for him to work.

I actually tried to pull a fast one on my cardiologist’s nurse last week. I live in the southeast and summer here is the closest experience to living in hell I ever want to have. So I thought I’d nicely request a handicap sticker. In my mind I seemed like a prime candidate. I’d survived double valve replacement surgery, my thyroid is wonky and I’m post menopausal—all of which contribute to a really f’d up internal clock. I could burst into flames at the drop of a hat.

Not to mention the fact that I’m now on Lasix due to that pesky little problem of water retention..remember a couple weeks ago where I made the split-second decision to just show up at my cardiologists’ office without an appointment, because I was either going into heart failure or was having a very bad reaction–feet swelling over shoes, swelling creeping up legs, feet and legs on fire–from that new blood pressure medication? But NOOOOO- the nurse looked me square in the eye and told me I wasn’t old enough for that damn sticker. Excuse me?

Since when does age become a factor in something that could potentially add to my quality of life?! Thought to self: ask the bitch, I mean witch, I mean nurse to spend a day with me. Maybe she could see me navigate the steaming blacktop/concrete while walking like I have a 2×4 up my ass (those thyroid muscle cramps anyone?) Then ask her to help me lather my upper thighs with Boudreaux’s Butt Paste from the chafing I’ve sustained while walking miles to said destination. Or she could wipe me down with an icy cold beach towel while the steam arises from my melting skin.

We’re doomed to suffer, I tell ya. I mean, it’s just thyroid disease. Take a pill. Stop whining. So you, my little gland, or I should say bigger gland as you’ve decided to have a growth spurt, can sit back and laugh behind my back for now. You probably think you’re one up on me in this little game we’re playing. Just remember, karma’s a bitch and I am a grudge holder.

When you’re least expecting it, I plan on launching a full frontal attack and whip you into shape with the massive breasts (beasts) you’ve given me. They aren’t pretty. They aren’t perky. They aren’t what I would’ve chosen if I’d got to pick my own titties. But they’re big and they’re proud. They’re proud, not me. I’m kinda embarrassed by their jiggly parts, truth be told. But they do balance out the massive ass you’ve given me to lug around.

So until we communicate again, I just ask one favor: try to hold off on giving me any more thyroid related issues for a while, PLEASE. I’m exhausted here and am still trying to get over the last symptoms you snuck on me. It’s too hot for me to take my lunch hour naps in the car because as I already informed you, it’s summer in the south. Summer + closed up vehicle = death.

When letter writing was all the rage back in my youth, before PCs, my mother taught me to end my letters with a sincere thought, so here it is: FUCK YOU!!!!

Bee

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12 Responses to “Karma’s a Bitch and I Am a Grudge Holder”

  1. Lolly says:

    Bee,

    Your fucking hilarious but you know even through the laughter I see the turmoil the daily struggle tell me about it Karma is a bitch and you best still be holding that grudge get even not mad.

    and I must end all my letters like that in future I never really understood why we would want to write your sincerely or your faithfully. Fuck off seems a much better way to end a letter to a fucked up thyroid.
    I hope that mother fooker gives you a break and lets you at least get through sometime without more symptoms.

    You got to be tip top for when that little one comes along.

    Love your letter and your humour but most of all I love you gal.
    I needed a laugh to today and your provided it.

    Lolly

  2. Lisa Stiers says:

    I so needed to laugh today, this is awesome, as I was reading your letter, I was thinking you go girl. I could see things that I could identify with, you said things I have thought! Man those thyroid muscle cramps are a bitch. I started thinking, ok Lisa you wonder what next, what surprize is waiting around the corner for you. What can I talk about and need to keep my mouth shut on. Why keep my mouth shut well it’s because you get tired of hearing you loved say let me guess it’s your thyroid right! Well if they took the time to come hear and read I’m not the only one that have these things happen, well it might wise them up as one of my thyroid friends told me! You brought to mind how we struggle to fight this disease and how it really can be worth the fight. It’s not just taking a pill, it’s finding ways to manage what we have, getting knowledge of what may come next and not be afraid of facing something else. To take thyroid serious because it is and find and work for answers for us and future patients so they don’t go what we have! This isn’t the easy disease, it effects every cell in your body, what other harmone or disease is there that does this, yes there are a few, but not many! Hope one day because of patients like you and our community we will get the respect ,compassion and the research we need.

  3. cate says:

    Awesome!

  4. Linny says:

    Thanks for sharing, ok I will share a trick I do. On really bad days when I can’t put one foot in front of another, my hips just feel unworthy of walking kinda day and yes I’ve fallen many times…..I will find the small drip of coffee or a tiny break in the concrete and splat, down I go. So graceful!
    So I park near the rack of shopping carts and get out helping myself to one and aaway I go. Weee isn’t fun!~
    My best to you dear, Linny

  5. Linda says:

    Bee, This letter is actually very inspirational to me. I laughed and that has been a nonexistent thing in my life lately…cry at everything. I feel in-powered to say Fuck You! to my thyroid too. I am going to share this with my family to help them understand why I get so upset at the disability recipients that are using the system. Don’t get me wrong I am all for it for the truly disabled, but if I can drag my miserable ass in to work every day a lot more people could do it too. I would love to take a vacation and work on me but…I need to save every precious paid day off to go to doctors and labs and hospitals. To hear my co-workers complain about having to take off to be with their children because the sitter is off is driving me crazy. Poor them…have to go have vacation fun with the family. I wish I could have children…and if I did the energy to play with them. Well…see what you set off. Sorry about the thyrant, but your letter really spoke to me. Thanks!

  6. Donna says:

    Bee, you are hysterical, hope that was your intent. You are so right on with all that you wrote about. The way that we treat the sick here is beyond wrong, it is criminal. And the fact that people in general don’t get what this fucking thyroid shit does to you is unforgivable. It may be awful for me to say but I agree with comments I have read here about almost wishing this on the idiots that just don’t get it. This is why we choose to just be alone sometimes and that is sad. I hate what this does to us and I was never a hater but I can’t help myself.

    I feel for you sweets, what a pain in the ass to have to struggle through each day watching people abuse the system when you know that others who deserve some help can’t get it. It is screwed up for sure.

    As for the tag for your car, tell the witch bitch, um,..nurse that the doctor can make that happen for you plain and simple. You deserve that. I had a bully receptionist at my former doctor and I let her treat me like crap for a long time before I gave her a piece of my mind. She never saw it coming! Fight for your tag Bee. That is convenience that you need and and it does not go by age only I am pretty sure.

    Thank you for making us laugh even when it’s really not a laughing matter. We have to maintain a sense of humor, it’s important. Hope your thyroid is nice to you and you find some happiness in each day.

    Donna xo

  7. Gina says:

    so i love this. just had my stupid thyroid removed and now a new can of worms to deal with. i was so at that point with mine though..one day after a dr appointment i yelled at the top of my lungs..BRING IT!!!! my thyroid was screwing me little by little and all i could do was move forward as hard as it was. you said it so well in this letter. i wish for you better days, mine are up and down but i get through the bad ones by looking forward to the good ones. they are there, they are just far and few. you rock! big hugs and support to you.

  8. Amanda says:

    Bee,
    Thank you for writing this great letter. I am pretty sure that age has nothing to do with handicap parking, my mom has had the handicap sticker/flag for her car for about 40 years due to her arthritis. Love your sincere thought at the end. Perfect. I have a friend that always slips in the mumbled “fuck you very much”, it always is great.

    Amanda

  9. Dear Thyroid says:

    Bee;

    I LOVE THIS LETTER. I love your no-nonsense, no bullshit; this is the way it is and this is how I feel, way. WOULDN’T CHANGE AN INCH OF YOU, MY DEAR.

    Thank you for writing this kick ass letter. You made me laugh. You made me want to fight a bit harder.

    You’re a peach, kid.

    xo

  10. HDinOregon says:

    Karma’s a bitch! Cancer sucks!
    Thyroid disease be fucked!

    And those abusing handicap parking should be forced to go through a low-iodine diet for two months. Might do them some good.

    Bee, great honest letter! You rock! – Thanks for posting it!

    HD in Oregon

  11. Bee says:

    to all- I do believe I am going to cry! You have made me feel like Sally Field accepting her Oscar:” You like me, you really like me!” (you youngens are just going to have to humor me on this- us elders know to whom I speak.)

    Lolly- you know I’ll keep fighting the good fight. I hate to lose and this has become a competition of wills-and you’re my motivator

    Lisa-you got it…what IS waiting around the corner ? Just what is going to happen next? doesn’t it seem like we get something under control and my Medusa-like gland snakes out and bites me with another complaint-i’d say complication but then those
    nondiseased humans might think we were whining again

    Linny- I too look for the buggy stands when going to mega stores so I’ll share a trick of mine with you-if I have to go someplace I’m dreading cuz the walk to the entrance might do me in I repeat this mantra:” if i’m meant to go shopping a spot will appear, if I’m meant to go shopping a spot will appear…” In about 65% of the time a spot appears/ freaky but true

    Linda- A VACATION to have actual fun? hahaha I too plan mine around hospital stays and docotrs appts. In fact, my social calendar is booked thru the end of the yr. with other ppls’ surgeries bcuz of course I will take care of them. I’m just hoping no one dies between now and then… can’t fit that in

    Cate-..no, YOUR awesome

    Donna-it was my intent to be funny. i’M SO GLAD you found me hysterical. Bcuz of my profession I see 1st hand the abuse of the system and it pisses me off. Story: my neighbor’s a disability nurse. The courts denied disability to one of her clients so they had to line up handicap transport, a respiratory therapist, a critical care nurse, and take him into court. You see, he was a qaudraplegic on a ventilator and had trouble driving himself.Alas, I can probably forgo the car tag so ppl like him can get one

    Gina -a fellow fighter. BRING IT is right. Thank you for responding. You’ve been on your own journey this wk. And know that i’m here for you, as we all are..

    Amanda-your welcome. The …very much… added to the end of a fuck you can be very cathartic to our souls

    HD- hi buddy, your praise means a lot. and i think you rock more

    AS for Dear Thyroid-if you were a man and i were younger i might want to have your baby!

  12. Bek says:

    Hi bee. This is a great post. Actually came across you having had a pretty rubbish day and entered “fking thyroid” into the search bar. Obviously I’m not alone! This may be a long shot but ive discovered my palpitations and tiredness are way worse when I drink artificial sweeteners. Aspartame really sets me off. People have told me I’m imagining it cos its meant to be perfectly safe but I’ve weaned myself off it and if have any now then I’m out of the game for hours. It feels so much like the pre thyroxine days when I have it! Maybe give it a try, I’d be interested to see if it works for you. Bek

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