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Thyme For Literary Healing: Can You Say I Love Myself?
In today’s Thyme for a Literary Healing, we have one question… can you say “I love myself”?
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28 Responses to “Thyme For Literary Healing: Can You Say I Love Myself?”
Leave a Reply to Kathleen
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I love myself but I’m not loving others the way I used to. I’m learning that many people can’t deal with people who are sick and it makes me emotional and angry. This is like a slap in the face to me, I don’t think I ever expected anything from anyone but was always there for everyone else. Now, I need a little compassion and understanding from the people that supposedly love me and it is not happening. This disease is teaching me things I guess I already knew but chose not to see.
I LOVE MYSELF, BUT I HATE HATE HATE THIS F*#%%^&* DISEASE and what it does to people and relationships
Last year, our family homestead, in a short lived, but intense inferno was nearly totally lost. All the heritage that we had over 100 years almost all gone. We sorted through items charred beyond recognition to others somehow mysteriously spared. Family moved in to help in the reconstruction and help build anew. The house now..beautiful, pristeen, but it lacks the character, the layers of wallpaper, the dings and scratches and imperfections. Some of saved pieces bear the scars that tell the latest story of our family. You can tell that I loved and still love that old house can’t you? Well, the ‘house’ that is me, has been dinged and bumped and scratched and even feels if I have been burned to the ground with some of my bits scarred beyond saving. But, after every ‘fire’ in my life, I have searched through the wreckage and found so much to be salvaged. I’m still me underneath. I do love this 55 year old gap toothed, solid frame that is me. I’m crooked in some places, solid in others. The builder has given me way too much insulation, but I guess that keeps me warm for you. I’m still in repair. I don’t want to be fixed perfectly. I kind of like the scars that have stories to tell. Sometimes I think if the latest thyroid fire hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today. I wouldn’t have met you. Now, that’s a story to tell….
Do I love myself “NO” I cant say I have ever loved myself. And I loathe myself even more after getting this fucked up disease.
I would much rather Love others than Love myself. Why do I have to Love myself? It just wouldn’t feel natural to me.
Love
Lolly
I can relate to both of you,Donna and Victoria. I hate my disease and I hate what it’s done to my body, my brain and the strain it’s put on some of my relationships. It hurts more than one can imagine when those that supposedly love you the most don’t understand. I rationalize and say to myself, How can they understand, they aren’t living it themselves. And yet, in ways they are, they see us change, in some ways they are just as scared as we are and I don’t think they know what to say or do. This disease makes all of us feel powerless. It’s a bit flippant but my saying is, give back to those who give to you and let the rest go. It’s how I’ve made peace with it.
As for loving myself, if you asked me a couple of years ago, I would have said yes as a matter of form without really feeling anything. A few weeks ago, I stood in front of the mirror and said it for real. The one thing this experience has taught me is that I DO love myself. Enough to keep going, enough to keep trying, enough to keep fighting for myself, and my family, to get well.
Katlipstick, love what you wrote. Lolly, I hope you’re kidding.
No, its complicated and I’m not able to deal with it in this lifetime. Even more now I’m diseased there’s less likelihood of my ever being anything other than a more beaten version of the me I had in my head. If its this me I’m stuck with, then I’ll settle for this, and hope to hell the world doesn’t demand more of me. I run the whole gamut of emotions ever day, the love, the fear, the hate, the regret, the guilt, the things I’d say to everyone who matters if the conversation had a chance to start. And I live an breath and hope and do what I get around to doing, like a drop-out who thinks she’s doing something interesting while the rest of the world gets on with business as usual.
Donna- I know how you feel…I have just learned to them them go. It is very hurtful when it is family. I have lost 20 year old friendships over it and can’t really say that I have any friends anymore. If I dwell on that I would be depressed and that is not gonna help me get better. I have learned to allow myself the ability to have a pity party, anger, rage, depression, hurt, tears, and any other negative emotion, I feel the feeling, yell,scream cry, journal, draw, or daydream about it for a certain amount of time and then I try to change my attitude…Know that you are not alone and we can’t change others but we can be here for those that need us and know that we can depend on them when we need someone in our time of hurt,pain, sorrow, or sadness. (hugs)
I do love myself. I am not my disease.
i’m too numb to feel anything right now, let alone love! maybe another day?
I never asked myself if I love myself since I have always looked for love outside of me. As much as I would like to believe I love myself, if I truly did then I don’t think I would feel so compelled to please others hoping to get the love that has been missing in me.
This is a tough one. It is bringing up a lot of suppressed hurtful feelings that makes me feel shameful, like I’ve done something wrong.
Wow, this is like therapy but without costing me $$$. It just shows how safe I feel here to open up without judgment or disapproval.
☮ ♥
Monica
Like Amanda said, I am not my disease….but there are days that test that feeling for me. I can’t tell you how it feels to see that there are others out there feeling and going through the same thing. I lost my two best friends because they were unable to deal with my illness and as much as it hurts sometimes, I realize that they really were unable to deal with their own feelings about my illness. So I have to move forward and embrace the people that do love and support me and let the ones go that don’t.
This website and community is a godsend! Good luck to us all in the thyroid struggle~
Katheleen, for once i am not kidding, I have never Loved myself. I don’t feel the need too I like myself sometimes and hate myself other times.
As for looking in the mirror I couldn’t give a fuck if there wasn’t a mirror insight if it wasn’t the fact that I might get 7 years bad look ( bad Luck Ha) I’d go break all those fucking mirrors on my bedrooom ceiling all 50 of them.
Does that answer your query?
Lolly got love to give but none for herself.
It may just be a difference in vocabulary, Lolly. I don’t like myself very much and sometimes I’ve hated myself. Esp what this has turned me into. I don’t like my health issues but they are what they are, no fairy godmother coming along with a cure in her magic wand. 20 years dealing with this crap and, thank God, finally getting somewhere.
Since I need all the help I can get, I decided against breaking the mirrors. I covered them all with old sheets. In the end, I’m glad I didn’t break them or my camera. I’m my own case study, as we all are, and the visuals, while frightening have proved invaluable. Thanks for all you share on here.
Kathleen Love is a powerful word you have to like yourself first… Love yourself I really don’t think I could ever “Love myself” to me that would mean being vain Maybe I could love things about myself but loving myself Never. Maybe it is a difference in vocabulary. I understand exactly what you mean. I was only stating my point of view others are bound to see it differently,and I think it’s great if you could learn to Love yourself but i would much rather have someone else do the Loving and vise versa as I’m not into Loving “ME”.
Thank you for sharing you too and I’m so happy you are getting somewhere at last, this disease sure does take away alot of things. sending you Lolly Love
Lollyxoxox
Right back atcha, Lolly. (In my best NY accent.) Kathleen xoxo
as a matter of course, i believe it is customary during this present age of enlightenment for us to automatically “LOVE” ourselves, or say we do..we are hearing that you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself first. I’ve drunk this koolaid-but i think there’s more to it than the words… i was at first shocked at lolly’s response.But on further evaluation, she’s probably more truthful than some of us. I never thought of myself as a vain person. In fact, i often wished that i were taller or slimmer or lighter or more flirtatious- all exterior wishes to be sure.I always felt different and thought that if only others could see me from the inside out they’d really appreciate me for who i am- in fact, i was wishing for them to recognize my outer beauty- the beauty i never felt i had or possibly deserved-but thyroid disease has made me realize that my outer appearance does matter-it matters to me and i’m not particularly fond of what i’m seeing-so to answer this complex question, I love my sense of humor but not my butt, i love how deeply i feel for my family but not my height, i love being in love but not my disease. I’m truly a work in progress but i sure get a lot more satisfaction out of helping others than doting on myself-that’s when i feel the most needed and the most admired-as to those mirrors, Lolly, what fun would it be if we didn’t get to check out ourelves as human experiments and see daily the ravages of time
Bee so pleased someone understands me, thought i was going to end up unloved.
I may not have explained myself properly but just how you put it is just how i feel there are things I used to Love about myself my hour glass figure with my big boobs my shiney brown eyes that could knock a man out with just one look and have him falling head over heals. now well the tables have turned I couldn’t bare to even look at my eyes when I had active TED and i never look in a mirror unless I have to, I’m never the one infront of the camera but the one behind taking the pictures.
Thre are things I like about myself my sense of fun my need to help others and forget my own troubles at times.
thank you and kathy for undertanding “ME”
Love you thyrella’s
Lollyxoxoxo
Unloved?!?! Never! Lolly, you are an inspiration! Not to mention a font of knowledge!
I totally get where you and Bee are coming from. I too, miss being able to stop traffic and turning my big blue eyes on a guy and having him fall at my feet. I worked in a profession that put a high price on the physical. Didn’t realize how much I relied on it and how much of my self-worth was wrapped up in it, until things got so hideously out of control and I do mean hideous!
I probably wasn’t good at explaining either.
I don’t mean the “vain” outer love at all. The “I love me, I’m crazy about myself!” attitude. I mean, I love myself not to give up, I cared enough not to kill myself when I stood crying the bathroom taking my case study self portraits in the hopes of finding a doc who wouldn’t write me off as a lunatic, and wishing death would take me because it would mean relief from the pain. I meant I love the core of who I am as a human being. Being alone, I had to learn to care for myself as I’d want someone else too even though most times I don’t like how I act and the character flaws that have shown up! So for me it’s a break through! 🙂
However, we deal with it. Whatever words we use. We can’t let IT win!
Lots of love to all of you! I’m so glad I found all of you when I did. You kept me sane.
Thank you for being here when I needed you!
Kathleen xoxo
There’s plenty of love here to go around and we all need it.
I think Lolly is honest and true and Bee is right about not sugar coating it but it is still troublesome to me.
Thank you Victoria. It is sad but I think I’m starting to figure it out even if I don’t like what I see. I see that this illness does something to us and to those around us. I’m tired now, I have been living this way for almost four years and I just don’t have the desire to focus on others anymore if they are not going to do the same for me. I care about my family but it is different. I’m at a point where I am letting go of being on top of everything for everyone else and I think that is because I probably won’t live a long life and I need to know they can make it without me. I realy don’t know anything for sure anymore except that I should really focus on finding things in the moment that I enjoy because I am creating memories for my son. I need to be a good role model and give him something more than this mess I am to remember.
This is good dialogue, this is real and today I will push myself to be something more than I was yesterday. Tomorrow may be another story but today I am going to take joy in the moment because the options don’t appeal to me.
I am so pissed off about the wasted time. If someone had told me that my life would be this way post cancer I would have been able to prepare myself or at least recognize myself in the mirror.
Love to each of you.
Donna xo
so true-wasted time- i have also been dealing with ?hashi’s (no ones really sure but they THINK so) for 4 yrs. and for these 4 yrs. i have been waiting for my little pill to do its little job-hasn’t happened yet; but i dutifully rested A LOT when my body needed it . i didn’t clean the house well, i kept praying for my fairy godmother to step in and snap me out of it…she never showed up. Yes, wasted yrs. so now i’m figuring out that it’s up to me and always has been to just move thru this
Kathleen- you probably started out with a ton of love for your physical being, Me, I was never really comfortable in that vessel but i liked it lots more than this one. I think if you feel sexy and glamorous and drop dead gorgeous on the outside, you can carry that confidence thru the morphing. I, on the other hand, was a little fearful of the power my outer shell had-i was good looking and didn’t know what to do with it. So when you start out with that confusion and have to get to know a whole new you, it can be very daunting. But I love that i’m alive today and i think I’m pretty smart and quick witted-all things to be proud of
I love myself most days- at least my inner self. Usually not happy with the outer self (weight issues!)Most days I have to give myself a ‘pep talk’ to get going and to just try to look/be the best I can. My family and friends try to be understanding and do the best they can, but no one truly ‘gets it’ unless they have it themselves!
Acknowleging and expressing these thoughts aloud is empowering for me. I tend to do more when I am honest with myself and don’t live in denial of who I have become. There is so much we all have in common and that in itself is helpful and necessary. We have to keep each other strong and give each other what we are not getting elsewhere. I’m done trying to figure out why people don’t get it. I’ve accepted that they don’t and will just get on with it. I’m learning to put myself first and on any given day that will be different. After all is said and done if I am true to myself then I am true to others.
I share a phrase with a friend of mine that came before either of us had chronic illness and it is “Fuck these people!” and I’m using it as motivation. Hehe~
Kathleen and Bee now you explain it how you do I can see what you mean do I love my inner self I’m not sure I do either I like my inner self most times I hate when I rage and become someone I don’t really recognise.
Kathleen life is forever changing we age so we change thyroid disease changes our Physical and emotional it’s how we cope with it. can we learn to love what it has made us look like on the outside and inward or can we just learn to except that this is how it is going to be now and try and do something to change how we feel about ourselves. I don’t have the answers as it is something I struggle with myself at times one of the reasons I don’t tend to analyse or even look at myself but just live one day at a time hoping that things will improve and I can start enjoying Life like I used to, not in the same way but in ways that would make me happier about myself.
To all of you that do “Love yourself” or your inner self my hat goes off to you.
This has been a good subject matter and way of opening up without feeling inhibited and thank you all for still Loving the “Me”
I love you all because I know that life isn’t easy with a fucked up disease and having to contend with daily life. at least we have the support of this thyamily.
so come on sing along we are “thyamily I got all my thyrella/fellas with me.
Donna you are so right be True to yourself and fuck anyone off who just doesn’t get it or support you with this. We all got each other.
Lollylicious
Lolly, We don’t have to be happy with our thoughts because sometimes maybe we are over emotional and unrational but they are our thoughts and we have every right to feel them. This does not mean we are unworthy of liking ourselves. You are wonderful, you help us all and you deserve to like and love yourself because you are a very special person. Please take care of you, if not for yourself then for the rest of us who are routing for you everyday. You are worthy my friend and don’t let anyone make you think otherwise Miss Lollylicious:)xx
There’s a great song by Dougie MacLean. It’s titled Caledonia. Beautiful tune but one of the lines in it is, “I lost the friends that needed losin’ found others on the way.” Words to live by in this or any other situation.
Thanks friends! ♫ ♪ ♪ ♫
It’s a tough question to answer. I grew up in a white world when I was little and the only thing I can remember was that I somehow had to be better and do better than all of them to get accepted. So I became a quiet girl, always listening, always observing others. Beauty standards, assumptions where not told, but hardly felt by my unconscious mind. Now that I can reflect on my life and I’m 50% well and 50% ill these things seem to come to the surface because I lost that protection of being the best of the average people around me. And sometimes I can be witty and life seems light; but most of the time my mind does not want to cooperate. It lingers in the back; when you slowly feel life slipping. People go on with their lives. Especially as a mother and wife. I was always there for others; no matter what and I still go on doing it caring. But it is heavy on my shoulders doing it alone.
My intuition had seldom told me wrong.But I didn’t wanted to be a weaner. They told me everything was fine and harmless. Okay I loved myself and felt strong back then.
And when they said later we cut out your thyroid I thought no! Promise me I can keep running. And they said. Oh you’ll be just fine and you will run. Now I live on my couch blogging and writing for social justice; Just because I care about others and I got the time anyway.
What’s scares me the most. I and others became slowly invisible, denied and covered up in files in databases. And writing is the best cure for that to let them no we still exist. Maybe I love myself after all.
I spent most of my childhood sick with asthma, pneumonia, and allergies. I learned to comfort and entertain myself because I was alone so much. I cultivated my artistic imagination, self love, and hope for the future. As an adult I enjoyed a period of relative good health during my childbearing years until my final, unexpected twin pregnancy. After that my health totally fell apart, and every day was a struggle to survive. Even though I have endured, the feelings of failure, guilt and loss for all I cannot do overwhelm me. In America we live in a visual, goal oriented, achievement rewarding society. When you no longer look “good,” make lots of plans, or accomplish successes, you are either condemned or ignored. Illness is viewed as a character defect. It’s difficult enough to live with chronic pain, raise a family on a budget, and keep hope alive, without being constantly judged by friends, relatives, the medical profession, and society. Any day that I can love myself a little is a huge victory. And I credit my inner child for having the fortitude to still believe I’m worth it.