The Last Hostage of Our Truce
Why won’t you let me sleep? We’ve been getting along so well. I’ve been losing weight through diet and exercise like my doctor kept telling me was possible but wasn’t actually for the last couple years even though I ate less and moved more. My blood pressure is down in the normal range, no longer frightening me when the little cuff slides on my arm. My heart no longer races, pounding so fast in my chest. I can sit in traffic, stand in lines and share small, hot, cramped spaces with strangers without having a panic attack.
My hair isn’t falling out anymore. My face isn’t swollen and that damn lump in my throat is gone. I sometimes stare in the mirror as I swallow because I can’t believe how normal my throat looks now and how normal it didn’t look so gradually that I didn’t even notice. But WHY won’t you let me sleep?
How is it possible to be exhausted and unable to sleep? Same thing tonight as the night before and the night before. I go to bed drained and ready to rest. I squeeze out a couple hours of shut eye, and then…blink…blink…blink…
I watch the blades of the ceiling fan circle around. I listen to my cats and husband snore. I start thinking about work. I start thinking of the balance on my surgeon’s bill. I think I should get up and finish reading the book on cancer I got after my surgery. Blink…blink…blink…
You and I have been getting along so well. You are my magic little (first yellow, then pink, now blue) pill. We have our little routine. I get up earlier than I ever have to meet you in the morning. I wait ever so patiently for another hour before I can eat. I turn down soy protein shakes in the morning. I take my vitamin in the afternoon.
I drink tons of prune juice and swallow six fiber pills a day. Our relationship is so much better than the one I had with your predecessor, that horrible poor excuse for a thyroid that decided to bring in a third party called cancer. So much better you and I. I even trust you. But you just won’t let me sleep will you?
Well, let’s try again. Blink…blink…blink…
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