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The Last Hostage of Our Truce

Post Published: 22 July 2010
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Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 11 responses. Leave a comment

Dear Synthroid,

Why won’t you let me sleep? We’ve been getting along so well. I’ve been losing weight through diet and exercise like my doctor kept telling me was possible but wasn’t actually for the last couple years even though I ate less and moved more. My blood pressure is down in the normal range, no longer frightening me when the little cuff slides on my arm. My heart no longer races, pounding so fast in my chest. I can sit in traffic, stand in lines and share small, hot, cramped spaces with strangers without having a panic attack.

My hair isn’t falling out anymore. My face isn’t swollen and that damn lump in my throat is gone. I sometimes stare in the mirror as I swallow because I can’t believe how normal my throat looks now and how normal it didn’t look so gradually that I didn’t even notice. But WHY won’t you let me sleep?

How is it possible to be exhausted and unable to sleep? Same thing tonight as the night before and the night before. I go to bed drained and ready to rest. I squeeze out a couple hours of shut eye, and then…blink…blink…blink…

I watch the blades of the ceiling fan circle around. I listen to my cats and husband snore. I start thinking about work. I start thinking of the balance on my surgeon’s bill. I think I should get up and finish reading the book on cancer I got after my surgery. Blink…blink…blink…

You and I have been getting along so well. You are my magic little (first yellow, then pink, now blue) pill. We have our little routine. I get up earlier than I ever have to meet you in the morning. I wait ever so patiently for another hour before I can eat. I turn down soy protein shakes in the morning. I take my vitamin in the afternoon.

I drink tons of prune juice and swallow six fiber pills a day. Our relationship is so much better than the one I had with your predecessor, that horrible poor excuse for a thyroid that decided to bring in a third party called cancer. So much better you and I. I even trust you. But you just won’t let me sleep will you?

Well, let’s try again. Blink…blink…blink…

~michelle

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11 Responses to “The Last Hostage of Our Truce”

  1. surfingramma says:

    Michelle-
    this is really adoreable actually. You may not have meant it to be but it was a joy and a pleasure reading this!!! You DO have a great attitude especially after all you have been through.
    I have had only a few nights of insomnia in my life but it left SUCH an impression on me. TOTAL empathy! (using BHRT progesterone has taken me from a good nights sleep to oh.my.gosh. this is what sleep is about) For ME it works and both my dr and endo always ask if I have any sleep issues since starting NDT. WEll, this is NOT about me…
    So, thank you for writing this, it made me smile (the blink…blink…blink haha) and I enjoyed hearing that you are indeed doing all you can with this issue and are succeeding…well exceot for that sleep thing! 🙂
    Terah

  2. Linny says:

    The best part about the internet is you can do something thru the night when you can’t sleep! Bless you, I pray you get some zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz soon, love, Linny

  3. faeanna says:

    Hmm…I had major insomnia when I was taking too much Cytomel. It’s never happened to me on Synthroid, but this could be a sign that your dose is too high. Hang in there, insomnia is the worst!

  4. Donna says:

    I love your positive attitude! My sleep pattern was screwed up for over three years. I’m finally getting back to living in the real world time zone now that I am getting to the right dose for me. I was only getting my levels checked on an annual basis. Big mistake. Wasted years.

    I hope you can get to where you need to be too Michelle, don’t just accept it like me please. Good luck and thanks for writing such a sweet letter. Take care of you xo

  5. faith72 says:

    That is so true. I dislike the nights the nights I can’t sleep. I,sometimes,can’t sleep without a fan because of my asthma,so I know when I can’t sleep in heat or cold. My husband deals with me keeping a fan so I can breathe. If I don’t have a fan,running, I don’t sleep at night.

  6. Kris says:

    Thank you for writing this Michelle! I can definately relate. Some nights I go to bed so exhausted and sleep never comes. Or, in some cases, sleep does come for a few hours, then I’m up in the middle of the night for a few hours. I’m starting to REALLY listen to my body now and doing whatever I can to heal myself. I know it will make a difference in the long run. In the meantime, I take one day at a time and noting how I’m feeling from one day to the next. Good luck on your journey!

  7. Linny says:

    I was told I had 3 of the sleeping disorders….I think it’s “JUST GRAVES AGAIN”, anyway when I found issue with Cpap, I found sleeping in a small room with a window airconditioner I was able to sleep. Both the gentle hum and cool fresh air in my face was very relaxing…..try it. Also a trick, when I close my eyes I gently roll my eyes toward my nose (kinda crosseyed) and it helps drift to sleep……good luck oh and lavander too!! Linny

  8. Thanks for sharing with us, Michelle! Ugh, the insomnia is horrible, isn’t it?! I go through periods where I am so unbelievably exhausted during the day but can’t sleep a wink at night. It can be incredibly frustrating, I know. I truly hope that somehow, some way, you will be able to sleep.

    xoox,
    Joanna

  9. Lori says:

    Great letter to your Synthroid, Michelle! I would love the answer to the sleep question too. There seems to be a very small window when I’m very sleepy at night and if I don’t get into bed and get to sleep during that ‘window’, I’m up too late and that means less energy the next day.

    Hope you get it figured out♥

  10. Alexa says:

    Hang in there Michelle! My doctor is having me try a combination of yoga breathing and just getting up and doing other things when I have insomnia. The ambien helped for a while, but I think I acclimated. I’m told that “this too shall pass” — hopefully sooner rather than later

  11. Lolly says:

    Michelle,

    great letter to synthroid, I too have chronic insomenea even worse since my surgery and replacement, nothing i do seems to work so I have just given up even trying I get what sleep I can and hope that one day I can sleep and feel refreshed.

    Lolly

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