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Sunday March 24th 2019


Thyroid Cancer, I Own Your Gland Now Baby!

Post Published: 27 August 2010
Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 12 responses. Leave a comment

Disclaimer for strong and profuse language.


Attention: To any remaining cancerous thyroid cells remaining in my body:

If I was you, I’d be shitting my little papillary panties right now.

I know you – I know the type. I’ve been stabbed in the back by friends and acquaintances before. I’ve been beaten an kicked and ridiculed and I’ve got to be honest with you, you don’t want to fight somebody who’s been through some shit and has a problem with authority.

Now I appreciate that you feel as though you’ve made some sort of dent in my immune system here, but quite frankly, my immune system had already eaten the fuck out of my entire thyroid gland before your asses even showed up. Like, eaten the fuck ATE it. You may be aware that the surgeon who removed your stronghold reported that it was the most damaged thyroid he’d ever seen in his life, and it was the hardest procedure he’s ever completed in his 30 year career.

It should cause you some anxiety that it’s been a week since you got evicted and I’m in goddamn near kickboxing shape. I also have been working with some professionals that spend their entire days in really sterile offices just thinking up ways to fuck you up. One of my hired associates was on a first name basis with Albert Einstein. Each of them knows exactly what you are made of and exactly how to find your asses, and given our geographical location and sociological leanings, I’m pretty sure they all have guns.

Furthermore, I’d like to make it perfectly clear that you have chosen the wrong person to invade. I mean you have really, really fucked yourselves. You have no idea what I’m capable of. If I were you, I would be trying to escape right now. I would be running for the goddamn hills. Because they are about to be alive with the sound of nuclear fucking energy.

They’re going to drop a bomb on you so goddamn nuclear it will sterilize the whole block. Women within a 5 mile radius will all have simultaneous orgasms. Supermarket checkout machines will start shooting laser beams into peoples groceries. You won’t even be a grease spot on the fucking pavement, they are going to nuke you into the fucking ice age.

In short, if I were you I’d start putting my affairs in order. Run and hide if you think that might be fun, but you are up against somebody who has just given her last fuck, and you don’t want to be there when the shit jumps off.

Until then, keep calm and carry on douchebags. See you in hell.


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12 Responses to “Thyroid Cancer, I Own Your Gland Now Baby!”

  1. Donna says:

    Wow! So powerful. I love, love, love it. You have a fighting spirit that is to be admired by all. You are an inspiration. You rock my socks off.

    I hope you keep writing and sharing your journey because you are just what so many of us need.

    I am four years into my tug of war and the road has had some bumps along the way but like you I am fighting the good fight with attitude and determination.

    Thank you for making me smile, laugh and cry at the same time. Good luck, keep kicking cancer’s ass and please take us along for the ride. You are helping lots of people.

    Healing thoughts and a big hug!

    Donna xo

  2. @misti_hope says:

    Keep up the fight, B. I’m here as an example that you can beat thyroid cancer and live a healthy long life.

    I loved your post.

  3. Gina says:


    you rock!! kick it, work it, own it… you got a fighting spirit and thats what you need to kick this monsters ass. we are here for you. loved your writting it was awesome..im sending you happy healing thoughts.


  4. Get it, B!!!

    Love this letter so much!


  5. Anna says:

    Kick their MFin’ little asses!!!! 🙂 POWERFUL!!! 🙂

  6. jillautumn says:

    Its the fight in us that helps us to survive. Kick its ass B.

  7. Roxy says:

    Keep up the good work, Great attitude..just AWESOME!

  8. Jen says:

    Keep up the fight and the attitude. I’m now at the 3 month mark after surgery and my fighting spirit is one of the things that kept me going in the months before surgery. It’s going to be a long road for both of us, but as long as we keep fighting, cancer will never win a battle, let alone the whole war. Glad to hear you have a good team working with you, the stronger the army, the better the fight. I’m sending you lots of love and all the strength I can spare to help you through this.

  9. Deb says:

    Now that’s the way to rock this disease!

  10. HDinOregon says:

    Dear B.,

    Raw! Beautiful! Very Powerful!

    Well written. You Rock and
    Cancer sucks!!

    Keep on fighting!!

    {{{ Hugs }}}

  11. Monica says:

    Damn, B, if I had to choose someone to be on my team I would want YOU! Your fighting spirit comes through loud and clear.
    Love that you told off that shithead and put it in its place.

    ☮ ♥

  12. Wow, B. You’re my hero. You tell that damn thyroid cancer who’s boss! <3


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