DEAR THYROID^TM

Disclaimer for strong and profuse language.

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Attention: To any remaining cancerous thyroid cells remaining in my body:

If I was you, I’d be shitting my little papillary panties right now.

I know you – I know the type. I’ve been stabbed in the back by friends and acquaintances before. I’ve been beaten an kicked and ridiculed and I’ve got to be honest with you, you don’t want to fight somebody who’s been through some shit and has a problem with authority.

Now I appreciate that you feel as though you’ve made some sort of dent in my immune system here, but quite frankly, my immune system had already eaten the fuck out of my entire thyroid gland before your asses even showed up. Like, eaten the fuck ATE it. You may be aware that the surgeon who removed your stronghold reported that it was the most damaged thyroid he’d ever seen in his life, and it was the hardest procedure he’s ever completed in his 30 year career.

It should cause you some anxiety that it’s been a week since you got evicted and I’m in goddamn near kickboxing shape. I also have been working with some professionals that spend their entire days in really sterile offices just thinking up ways to fuck you up. One of my hired associates was on a first name basis with Albert Einstein. Each of them knows exactly what you are made of and exactly how to find your asses, and given our geographical location and sociological leanings, I’m pretty sure they all have guns.

Furthermore, I’d like to make it perfectly clear that you have chosen the wrong person to invade. I mean you have really, really fucked yourselves. You have no idea what I’m capable of. If I were you, I would be trying to escape right now. I would be running for the goddamn hills. Because they are about to be alive with the sound of nuclear fucking energy.

They’re going to drop a bomb on you so goddamn nuclear it will sterilize the whole block. Women within a 5 mile radius will all have simultaneous orgasms. Supermarket checkout machines will start shooting laser beams into peoples groceries. You won’t even be a grease spot on the fucking pavement, they are going to nuke you into the fucking ice age.

In short, if I were you I’d start putting my affairs in order. Run and hide if you think that might be fun, but you are up against somebody who has just given her last fuck, and you don’t want to be there when the shit jumps off.

Until then, keep calm and carry on douchebags. See you in hell.

—

B

Tags: Dear Thyroid Letters, papillary thyroid cancer support, thyroid cancer, thyroid cancer anger, thyroid cancer blog, thyroid cancer fighting back, thyroid cancer letters, thyroid cancer patients taking control

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