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Fat Thigh-Roid Woes: New Beginnings

Post Published: 10 September 2010
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Category: Column, Fat Thigh Roid Woes, Graves Disease Symptoms Column
This post currently has 13 responses. Leave a comment

The beauty of Dear Thyroid is that we can all come here and share our stories without judgement.  We all have an understanding of what one another is going through, and help one another out when we’re down.

I wanted to do something specific for my column over the next couple of weeks.  I sit down every week and type out my memories of the past 2+ years with Graves, or I let you know what I’m dealing with now – but I think it’s important to illustrate what I feel is ESSENTIAL to becoming healthy in our minds, while my doctor tries to take care of the body stuff via medication.

I’ve written columns about inspiration, being selfish to heal ourselves, and friendships – but what I want to do now is SHOW YOU through my own experience what it means to see it and live it.  It’s almost like…what you see in yourself will be projected out into the world – but this is the other way around.  I want to see things in my world projected back onto me so I FEEL those experiences – which means I will be very open and receptive.

Every week, I will take 1 day to seek out a specific word or phrase that I feel is something I’ve experienced, or wanted to experience for survival with thyroid disease.  One day spent alone, or with others if the word calls for it.  I’m sure I won’t have a profound experience each and every time, but who cares?  This is all about exploring.

Sometimes I will bust out some photography to illustrate the essence of that word, so that should be good times!  I’m REALLY excited about this project.  So far, I’ve come up with these words:  Beauty, Selfishness, Empathy, Compassion, Support, Wallow, and Restriction.  These might change depending on my mood, but it’s what I got for now!

Of course, some of this might seem confusing right now – but I will explain when it comes time to live out those words.  You can sort of think of it as a date, once a week, with myself.  However, some of those days won’t be spent having A BLAST.  Some of these days might be downright depressing because let’s be honest here – I want a range of experiences that somehow helped or are helping me get out of the mud.  If you DON’T become at least slightly depressed from having thyroid disease, then you’re a robot – end of story.

I will try to dig as deep as possible for not only my own therapy, but to help anyone else out there find a way to go.  Maybe this will inspire you to do your own list, and take 1 day a week to experience the essence of whatever word you choose.  PLEASE let me know if you try it, email me at nicole@dearthyroid.org.  I would love to hear your stories and experiences if you don’t post them in comments.

I’ve been through the worst of it (so far, I think, I fucking HOPE) and I know where YOU are when you’ve hit rock fucking bottom with thyroid disease.  I know what it feels like to have no health insurance, no job, no money, to be in self-imposed exile from friends and family, to lose a head of hair, to be just fucking sick and wishing for better things.

My first date was where I explored “Selfishness”.  I’ve mentioned this before, but I will reiterate.  We absolutely need to be selfish with our time and energy as much as we can to help heal ourselves.  How can we extend ourselves to others when we don’t take time for US first?

My task for the day was to do whatever I pleased, without judging myself.  For some reason, people tend to feel guilty when there are more pressing things to do but they blow it off to do what they really want to do – I am not exempt from this behavior.  Therefore, I thought about an affordable yet fun day for me and me alone.  I started out by turning off my phone, and had it off THE ENTIRE DAY.  Caution to the wind…”what if so and so calls??”  BFD.  They can deal.  Started out my day by going to breakfast (which is my fave meal) with a good book (nothing better).  I had to put my book down at one point though, because I was lucky enough to overhear the lamest conversation ever , so I NEED to share it with you for a good laugh…

These two gals were talking about their relationships, and one girl asked the other if “she ever thought about the future” with “John”.  Maybe it’s not your speed to make fun, but really, these gals were vapid:

Stupid Girl: Yeah, we talk about the future…the other night we were watching “Ghost”…have you seen it?

Stupid Girl #2: OMG YES, DEMI MOORE…

Stupid Girl: YES!  Anyways, I hadn’t seen it all the way through, and like, the part where Patrick Swayze gets shot and dies – I totally turned to John and said ‘if that ever happened to you, I’d freak out.’ and we totally talked about it…

….REALLY??  THIS is the talk you’ve had about the future with “John”?  That’s funny, cause just the other day I was thinking about if there REALLY is an Oda Mae Brown and if she really IS a psychic…WOW.  The best part is, the rest of their convo didn’t touch reality at all – it could’ve been lifted out of some bad romantic movie…everything they said was straight cliche.

I doubt I was like that when I was in my 20s, and if reincarnation truly exists and I had to do it all over again – I doubt that I will be THAT insipid in my next life – but hey, whatever works, right?  The funny part was, I wanted to hand over my problems to this gal and ask her to take on mine – that way, she won’t have TIME to think about her boyfriend possibly getting shot A La The Movies style, cause she’ll be too busy dealing with REAL LIFE.

After my awesome breakfast, I moved onto seeing…The Expendables.  Yes, I sure did.  Throwback to cheesy 80s all the way, and Jason Statham is a PIECE of ARSE.  Btw, one of my absolute favorite ALONE time activities is going to the movies. If you’ve never ventured out to a movie alone, you’re missing out.  Then, after I watched the glorious cheese, I did this:

And yeah, I did it HARD.  A cup of coffee too.  It is no secret that I am obsessed with cheesecake, cookies, pastries of all kinds…I don’t really discriminate.  I don’t like candy, but if you hand me a cheese danish – that danish won’t stand a chance.  Since today was about ME ME ME, I was going to have my cake and eat it too (which is how it should be, cause who the hell doesn’t want to eat the cake they have?)

In case you’re wondering, it’s the featured cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory –  Reeses peanut butter cup.  Chocolate cake, cheesecake, a little caramel, and some peanut butter pieces.  Every slice you buy, they’ll donate 25 cents to a hungry American…I wish I could say I ordered it cause I’m a good patriotic person and I want kids to eat, but really, I ordered it cause IT LOOKED SO GOOD IN THE PICTURE.  Didn’t feel guilty about eating it either, cause today was about ME ME ME.

My phone was still off.  Yay!

I came home feeling refreshed, relaxed, and a lot happier I’ve felt in awhile.  Did me good to get away from the bills showing up, and spend some money “irresponsibly” since it wasn’t going to anything I actually NEEDED – but who’s to say I really didn’t?  I’ve been so down lately, it was nice to just roll with it and stop trying to be so damn RESPONSIBLE.  If I had the funds, I would’ve probably gone crazier and driven up to a remote location and spent the night in a hotel on the beach…but alas, I’m trying to work within my means here.

Best part of Selfishness Day: Being alone all day without distraction from people and their problems was awesome.  Think about it – every time someone calls or texts you venting about something, you’re absorbing that shit a little at a time.  It gets overwhelming, and WE don’t NEED that SHIT right NOW.  It’s time for ME ME ME and YOU YOU YOU.

Anyone up for making their own list?  I realize if you have kids and all sorts of obligations it might be a little more difficult to just take off – but everything can be arranged.  This particular day I wanted to spend on my own, since I was exploring Selfishness.  Next time, I’ll be changing it up.  My next assignment is…Beauty.

See you cats next week!  Peace out.

xoxoxo,

Nix

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13 Responses to “Fat Thigh-Roid Woes: New Beginnings”

  1. jillautumn says:

    I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE what you are doing and admire you for it. Sounds like the perfect selfish day to me and I personally wouldn’t have done it any other way. I have taken moments in the recent past where I just said FUCK IT and did what I wanted rather than what I should have. It felt great!

    K

    • jillautumn says:

      Sorry, hit the wrong damn key and submitted beofre I was done.

      Anyways…………Keep healing thyself and writing. I am looking forward to your next date with thyself.

      Jill

      • Nicole Wells says:

        Dear Jill,

        Thank you! I’m excited about doing all of this, and see if there is anything to be discovered. So happy you’ve also done the “f it, this can wait” date too – “priorities” and “responsibilities” are overrated, right??

        xoxo,

        Nicole

  2. Elaine says:

    Your letter just made me smile and sigh…. I do make me a priority now. Diagnosed with Graves in 2005 and I am here to say it does get better… Have had ALOT of downs but alot of ups ( successful but numerous surgerys to get this “thyoid” thing fixed..) I am more than ok now but still a work in progress 🙂 I look forward to more from you and all the other amazing writers here!!!!!

    • Nicole Wells says:

      Hi Elaine,

      I’m glad you’re feeling good – I’m dealing with the ups and downs right now almost 9 months after RAI. I just want it all to stop and be normal, but, who knows what NORMAL even means at this point??

      Take care,

      Nicole

  3. HDinOregon says:

    Great project Nix. I’m looking forward to the next words, and the ones after.

    {{{ Hugs }}}
    HD

    P.S.: Cheesecake can be so therapeutic. — Just what Dr. YOU-MY-DEAR ordered.
    😉

  4. Amanda says:

    Nicole,
    Such a good plan on so many levels. Focusing on one thing BESIDES Graves is a project all in itself, I know… I know this pretty well. I really just love the idea, it will be theraputic. While doing the “words” and to be able to reflect back. It just really is a great way to redirect and refocus… if only for a while.

    My words aren’t flowing too well tonight, but I just love this and I look forward to any other words you share with us. Sometimes I share too many words in writing and want to take them all back, but it really is helpful to experience life, reflect on it, and share our thoughts in some way.

    I make my own cheesecake, which is actually a really bad idea… since I buy the ingredients, put the work into it, a little of my heart and soul… so eating just one piece and walking away satisfied doesn’t work…. because the rest of the lovely thing sits in the fridge waiting for me, and you can’t waste it. So your way works much better, I need to find a place that makes it to sell by the slice where I can sit and escape in semi quiet, with a cup of real coffee. Frig that sounds like heaven.

    Amanda

    Amanda

    • Nicole Wells says:

      Hey Amanda,

      I’m on a quest to make the most perfect chocolate chip cookies in the world…so I understand what you mean. But at the same time, baking and cooking is relaxing and if you enjoy it – DO IT! Pass out the extra slices of cheesecake before you finish them all…that’s what I’ve had to start doing with the cookies.

      As far as writing and sometimes wanting to take words back go – I hope you know that what you and anyone else puts on the page is the gut speaking and it wants to be honest. Don’t take any of the honesty back, just go with it. Balls out.

      Sometimes the words don’t flow because of the voice inside our head (the critic) wanting to pick us apart. Best thing to do is just keep writing, even if you think it’s shit – you’re bound to find something good outta it.

      Take care,

      Nicole

  5. Em says:

    Sounds perfect to me. A selfish day . . . I LOVES IT!

  6. Zari says:

    Actually I went the other way today and it felt pretty good. I work out of my house and there isn’t enough work right now. So I did a bunch of laundry, some chores and stuff because my partner is still full time employed and I knew this would make her happy, plus it made me feel more like I’m keeping up my end.

    I did take some time for myself and had a nice walk, also cut some firewood. Chopping stuff with an ax always makes me feel better so I guess that was selfish……So grateful for synthroid, there was a time post I131 when all of this would have been seriously painful what with all the wierd musclular stuff.

    • Nicole Wells says:

      Hi Zari,

      Chopping stuff with an ax sounds like A DREAM right now – and I know what you mean about the weird muscle stuff. I’ve recently started to get back into shape, slowly but surely. I used to get muscle spasms all the time when taking anti-thyroid meds, and for a few months after RAI my left thigh muscle would hurt and get weird pains.

      I’m glad you were able to find some time for yourself today : )

      Take care,

      Nicole

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