RAIere You When I Needed You?!
You left months ago and I miss you terribly. I wish things were different. If I knew then what I know now, there would have not been a second surgery or RAI. I would have kept the UNcancerous part of you. At least there would be something to hold on to. But I trusted our doctor who said a simple pill could replace you. I didn’t understand how AWESOME you were! You worked your magic without missing a beat even when you were being consumed by cancer. Now without you my life is m-i-s-e-r-a-b-l-e. Fatigue consumes me most days. I used to do it all… and now when I try it feels like I am failing everyone. My husband, kids, employers…..I feel that they are looking at me and slowly losing their patience. Wanting me to just get back to being me, the ME they all know. Maybe she isn’t here anymore. I thought things would better by now….
It doesn’t help our surgeon decided not to send me to an endocrinologist after he said that was the plan. He said I would be fine and need no further checkups. Really? Now that I have a chronic condition and feel like shit….Really? Well you know me thyroid….I told him he was REALLY FIRED! Ha! What do I need a surgeon for now anyway? Finally, 6 months after I lost you our family doctor got me to an endo. Now lets just hope he listens to me! I am losing my patience with these people. Do they not realize what I’ve lost? I wish I could rip their thyroids out and tell them to get over it because their TSH is within normal range. They just don’t get it because thyroids are being awesome for them.
I miss you, but seriously can you get out my head? Just for one day? Ugh. I try and keep busy; you know to keep you off my mind. Today I was shopping and listening to the radio being played. Then you know what? The radio host decides to talk about her thyroid condition. I wanted to cry, to scream, to run away. Just when I had you out of my mind….you’re back! And why do people want to ask about my scar? Do they think I want to discuss it with a stranger? I think I’m gonna start telling these curious folks I fell off my unicycle. That might actually be fun. But these people always ask when I am distracted and not thinking of you, and it’s frustrating.
So thyroid you must accept our fate. It’s done. It’s over. We are no more. And I suppose I must do the same. Just accept it. Easier said than done, I know, but we really must move past the denial stage of this grief.
(Bio) Brianna Fisher, 29 year old Thyroid Cancer Survivor. I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years. We have a 6 year old daughter and 5 year old son, who are the lights of our life. I am beginning nursing school this year. Life is good besides the no thyroid stuff!
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