Chronic Snarkopolist: Danger and Beauty in Feeling
A friend told me that he doesn’t share himself fully with any single person and keeps them at arms length- because when he DOES share or has in the past- he has been taken advantage of. And I think we can al get that. I get it.
I have been thinking a great deal what was said between us. I remember chiding him a bit – telling him that vulnerability is part of life even. But then I had a conversation with someone else. He does some cancer work and palliative care. He’s very cool. I adore him because he says his wife is his hero. Men like that MELT ME to my core because I so want a partner who says that about me! This guy said that there is “danger and beauty in feeling.” And how we could “all share our beauty to make each other happy.”
I LOVE both of these ideas so much. Truly I do. They are both seemingly contradictory. And yet- they are not. How many times have you given someone a gift and held your breath least they not like it. That is DANGEROUS FEELING! And yet so beautiful to make someone happy!
This kind of generosity of spirit is WHY and HOW the world keeps in balance and how we DO NOT succumb to despair. It is how we continually move forward. I’m sure of it.
And I realized that I am very good at doing this sort of generosity and trust on a BROAD level… online, on stage, classroom – you name it. If it involves one on one people- then it is FINE it if doesn’t mean I have to become CLOSE for a very long time. Inevitably it seems to fuck up. And somehow I always fear it is my fault – or because I fear I didn’t make the effort – or if I had done better -it would have never happened. Or or or – if I had made better choices about getting involved with them in the first place etc etc etc. I mean — it is so stupid -even during my divorce I felt, “If I hadn’t been sick – he wouldn’t have left me!” — EVEN THOUGH HE BROKE THE RULES– I STILL BLAMED MYSELF. And I do. I always blame myself for not doing better at relationships.
And THIS is what I most fear. I fear there is no one out there FOR ME. So I too tend to avoid the REALLY PERSONAL STUFF. I’m terrified. I watch my friends stay in uncomfortable relationships or deal with rocky unpleasant relationships that fall apart and think, “I don’t want more pain! I have enough!” Yet –is this living? Is sitting here protecting myself from the RISKS OF DANGER AND BEAUTY OF FEELING LOVE LIVING???
I do not run from the affection that SOME do. But I do hold back from TRUE ROMANTIC CONNECTION. And I am ONLY NOW starting to understand how to do FRIENDSHIP. Being sick is so hard on friendships. It just is. Because relationships do seem to backfire on us don’t they? Yet- I yearn for it- I truly yearn for connection– on both a friendship level and family level and marriage level. I want children and love and connection in all areas of my life.
If the heart and mind can conceive of it – then lots of people can. We just go about DOING IT differently. We have all been hurt in some way. Some of us more than others. There is healing for all of us- I truly believe this. I must. I MUST.
We all shield from pain. I guess we’re all doing it- some more self-destructively than others. (Some by shooting up- others by being in abusive marriages, still others by just avoiding the situation).
We are all so complex and precious and beautiful. Life is. And yet- we are all so simple and sweet and easy to love if we are willing. And if there is to be change – we MUST be willing. WE MUST. It is on each person to start the change.
These are my self-reflections. Love and FEELING they are beautiful and dangerous. My friend is right. I’m so glad we talked. I needed to hear it.
What do you think? Are these feelings dangerous and beautiful? Are they more than that? Have you walked them already and are you on the other side? If so – what advice do you have to give for the schmoes who are still here? Do you shield from pain? What techniques do you use? Have you healed from this? How do you stay aware? Tell me! I want to know!
I’ll see you next week same time same place! Kiss kiss!
Tags: chronic conditions support, chronic illness support, dealing with being chronically ill, feeling beauty when ill, finding beauty in chronic illness, health support, managing chronic illness, needing support, reaching out for support when sick