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Chronic Snarkopolist: Danger and Beauty in Feeling
A friend told me that he doesn’t share himself fully with any single person and keeps them at arms length- because when he DOES share or has in the past- he has been taken advantage of. And I think we can al get that. I get it.
I have been thinking a great deal what was said between us. I remember chiding him a bit – telling him that vulnerability is part of life even. But then I had a conversation with someone else. He does some cancer work and palliative care. He’s very cool. I adore him because he says his wife is his hero. Men like that MELT ME to my core because I so want a partner who says that about me! This guy said that there is “danger and beauty in feeling.” And how we could “all share our beauty to make each other happy.”
I LOVE both of these ideas so much. Truly I do. They are both seemingly contradictory. And yet- they are not. How many times have you given someone a gift and held your breath least they not like it. That is DANGEROUS FEELING! And yet so beautiful to make someone happy!
This kind of generosity of spirit is WHY and HOW the world keeps in balance and how we DO NOT succumb to despair. It is how we continually move forward. I’m sure of it.
And I realized that I am very good at doing this sort of generosity and trust on a BROAD level… online, on stage, classroom – you name it. If it involves one on one people- then it is FINE it if doesn’t mean I have to become CLOSE for a very long time. Inevitably it seems to fuck up. And somehow I always fear it is my fault – or because I fear I didn’t make the effort – or if I had done better -it would have never happened. Or or or – if I had made better choices about getting involved with them in the first place etc etc etc. I mean — it is so stupid -even during my divorce I felt, “If I hadn’t been sick – he wouldn’t have left me!” — EVEN THOUGH HE BROKE THE RULES– I STILL BLAMED MYSELF. And I do. I always blame myself for not doing better at relationships.
And THIS is what I most fear. I fear there is no one out there FOR ME. So I too tend to avoid the REALLY PERSONAL STUFF. I’m terrified. I watch my friends stay in uncomfortable relationships or deal with rocky unpleasant relationships that fall apart and think, “I don’t want more pain! I have enough!” Yet –is this living? Is sitting here protecting myself from the RISKS OF DANGER AND BEAUTY OF FEELING LOVE LIVING???
I do not run from the affection that SOME do. But I do hold back from TRUE ROMANTIC CONNECTION. And I am ONLY NOW starting to understand how to do FRIENDSHIP. Being sick is so hard on friendships. It just is. Because relationships do seem to backfire on us don’t they? Yet- I yearn for it- I truly yearn for connection– on both a friendship level and family level and marriage level. I want children and love and connection in all areas of my life.
If the heart and mind can conceive of it – then lots of people can. We just go about DOING IT differently. We have all been hurt in some way. Some of us more than others. There is healing for all of us- I truly believe this. I must. I MUST.
We all shield from pain. I guess we’re all doing it- some more self-destructively than others. (Some by shooting up- others by being in abusive marriages, still others by just avoiding the situation).
We are all so complex and precious and beautiful. Life is. And yet- we are all so simple and sweet and easy to love if we are willing. And if there is to be change – we MUST be willing. WE MUST. It is on each person to start the change.
These are my self-reflections. Love and FEELING they are beautiful and dangerous. My friend is right. I’m so glad we talked. I needed to hear it.
What do you think? Are these feelings dangerous and beautiful? Are they more than that? Have you walked them already and are you on the other side? If so – what advice do you have to give for the schmoes who are still here? Do you shield from pain? What techniques do you use? Have you healed from this? How do you stay aware? Tell me! I want to know!
I’ll see you next week same time same place! Kiss kiss!
Tags: chronic conditions support, chronic illness support, dealing with being chronically ill, feeling beauty when ill, finding beauty in chronic illness, health support, managing chronic illness, needing support, reaching out for support when sick
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18 Responses to “Chronic Snarkopolist: Danger and Beauty in Feeling”
Leave a Reply to Amanda
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I have no answers for you Melly mel danger beauty, trust hurt. It’s hard when you’ve been there and have to start all over again not fully giving your all for fear of being hurt again.
Do we jump in with both feet or do we tread carefully and miss the opportunity to love or be loved I am lost because I have a whole lot of loving to give but trust has gone, and I am resigned to the fact that I am no Longer looking in that direction I am content enough with friendship for now and if anything does arise then it’s going to be an added bonus my little toy..
Lolly
yes- both feed or tread carefully. that IS the question isn’t it.
I admit My Lolly Lol — being loved by the likes of YOU has made it easier for me to BELIEVE in love again. It just has. And knowing that love exists makes it easier to believe in everything else…
So- that being said– I’m grateful for the little things that come my way- because the little things are really THE BIG FUCKING HUGE THINGS.
If that makes sense?
love you big giant huge.
xo
Melissa
Melly Mel,
I am sure that it is going to take someone really special to tame this shrew, but as for you missy, like i say to my daughter there is someone special out there for you, you just haven’t found them yet, they’ll arrive when you least expect them.
I loved how Shan put it, alikened it to a pair of shoes. Well I must have been through many shoes flats boots heels and still haven’t found me that comfortable pair yet.Although that 12″ pair say no more.
Melly love, I know you too have a warmth and love to share with that someone special.Pleased that I have had some effect or impact in your life.
Mwah love
Lollyxoxox
Melissa,
Our journeys and experiences of closeness, love, trust and sharing are all uniquely individual to us. But everyone feels it, the need to be loved and accepted, to be the main event in someone’s life. I get what you’re saying about holding back. Its a scrambled complex maze of words, actions, looks and the thoughts about it all as you navigate the knowing of a person. Its incredible how the thoughts activate such powerful emotions without actually being on a roller-coaster. And at every moment there are decisions to be made about how to relate and whether some thing is worth worrying about. I think that the danger and beauty may be balanced, in reality with safety and the ugly side too. He was being a romantic, and probably knows it makes women go weak at the knees when he talks like that. Historically, for me its been the words not said, and the actions or lack of, that led to endings and I share the blame. Yet there’s gladness in having moved on, even in seeing my replacements living that life because those relationships were not right for me. Maybe liken it to trying on shoes. You want them to match your outfit, not rub you the wrong way, to service your needs and not fall apart. You know how much spit and polish you’re willing to apply, and when they need fixing or replacing. Or you could go down the Mills & Boon track of weak knees, breathlessness, heartache and passion. I want it all, my shields are down.
Hello Shan,
I LOVE that you liken it to trying on shoes! SO FABULOUS! So real! Yes – a thousand times yes yes yes! It makes so much sense. And really- we’ve all had that PAIR– the ones that would GO WITH THE OUTFIT. And yet- no matter what even in the store we JUST KNOW they won’t be right- but we get them anyway and suffer… or we find a pair that SEEM suitable but they feel awkward forever… or, we find a pair we love but wear out fast… or the pair we forget about but somehow we keep coming back to again and again … yes. Shoes is just right. 🙂
You have such a beautiful way with words – I read it over and over and just LOVE what you’ve said.
We do need to be loved and accepted. And yes – you are exactly right. I’m so glad you’ve commented! thank you so much!
xoxo
Melissa
Melissa,
I have been with the same man for 27 years now, 24 of those we have been married. It has been beautiful and dangerous. Those are perfect words to describe a relationship on a deep level. He is pretty much a country bumpkin, he-man, lumberjack kind of guy. Sharing and true deep connections with him are difficult and sharing more than he can handle is “dangerous”. Sharing with anyone you care for is a fine art. He can only handle so much information, small amounts of health related info and tiny bits of girlie stuff. I have it pretty well figured out, how to share just enough so he gets the idea without making him scream like a girl.
[I so easily get off topic when I reply on this site, sorry] I am just agreeing, that it is difficult to open up and share… it can hurt you… and after the first time it does? You are wary of it and it leaves a scar. But turn that into a learning experience and you can move forward. I have learned the right way to do it and get my point across, not everyone is open to sharing of yourself…but if they are willing to be with you… they need to know of you and about you… what you are comfortable with sharing. It is a risk worth taking, and maybe do so with baby steps and feel the waters all along the way.
It isn’t easy, but what is? What one thing in the hellish life with chronic disease is easy? Nada.
Amanda
I love how you have learned to navigate this fine path- of feeling danger – with another person – the way some of us have learned to navigate our healthcare obstacles… We are all masters of something I suppose… and all of us are somehow learning and novices at others.
When I hear of people who have stayed together for so long I am in awe and happy for them. It brings me joy. it sounds lovely.
It gives me hope. And it sounds dangerous and beautiful. And vulnerable.
I love hearing from you!!! Thank you gorgeous!!
xoxo
Melissa
I was afflicted for a very long time before I knew about this invisable disease. I lived in an abusive relationship, but hung on because of my children. I loved family, even though mine was fractured. I was sick and so tired and sluggish and I am sure I was part of the cause. Once I got on medication and learned more about what I had to do to take care of myself, my children were leaving the nest and it was just us. Things did not get any better after they left, so after 26 years of marriage, so did I. Right away, I felt so much freedom. Free to be myself. I really didn’t know who that was because I was locked up for so long, but it was great to just be. I did look for love and found it. I just let things happen and trusted my heart. Tomorrow is my 4th anniversary. When I look back, it seems like another person, another life. I have healed from that pain. Now I just try my hardest to live in the moment.
Marcia – healing and living in the moment – it sounds like such a beautiful dream.
I’m so so sorry to hear about the painful past you endured. Yet– living through it and getting to where you are now is what HEALING is for. And you are sharing it with me so I can LEARN from you. And that is what I am so grateful for. I’m so grateful to hear you share your joys and your lessons and how you have healed.
YES. HEALING. AND LIVING IN THE PRESENT. I’m all for it.
xoxoo
Melissa
Melissa,
We are made to need one another. There is nothing wrong with knowing and accepting that we do. Finding that someone to spend the most revealing parts of yourself is a worthwhile study.
As we search it is a good idea to just live your life. Not dwelling on the matter but including the journey along with your own discovery of your self.
I have a set of tea cups that belonged to my Nana. I am missing two cups. I would love to find these particular cups, I know what they look like, and I know that they will be hard to find. They must match what I know.
This is fine for a tea cup, but not a person. Usually the people I know who are looking are thinking that they will know what they want when they see it. Their search is too narrow. They are making the mistake of not waiting for the surprise. They appear needy.
Relax and go to places that you haven’t looked before. Be surprised. When you ask lovers how they met it is always a silly unlikely story.
Be creative. Do something different. But mostly relax.
You’ll be delighted. xoxoxoxLinny
I love the idea that you have teacups and liken the idea of searching for a match worth while– but in a partner that is too limiting. 🙂 How lovely.
When I wrote this – the idea was not just for romance. It was more about true agape love- the pure love that loves without judgement… but as I wrote it became about romance because I am lacking a romantic partner. And because even in my friendships I am only now learning how to be honest and not shield.
It is powerful to admit needs and let people care for me– and it came about in sickness more than anything… especially as friends left.
I love your words and your wisdom!!!
muah so much!!
brilliant love.
xoxo
Melissa
Melissa, Lolly, Shan, Amanda and Linny,
Wow, the original post and each response blew me away. I love that you all get it and at the same time your sharing helps me (and I’m sure anyone else reading this) more than you know.
There are no easy answers to these thought provoking questions about feelings and dealing. Sometimes I think yeah, I can handle this and WHAM – uh, no, I don’t think so.
So easy to justify and find reason for our reaction but so difficult to let go and change our attitude or belief.
It is what it is. (I know, I know, overused cliche)
☮ ♥
Monica
I know – it is big stuff. And I love when you write in with your views and your beauty. We are all of us contributing to the healing of each other and of our world. I’m sure of it. I really am.
Love you so much!!!
Thank you!
xoxox
Melissa
Dear Monica,
You’ll be fine…..you already know these things really. It’s good to share and get support. You have it Babe! Someone will be very lucky to walk into your life and into your heart. love, Linny
{oh dear I did the name thing again}
Hi Linny,
Thanks for the encouraging words.
And someone is lucky because I’ve been married to him for the past 16 years. My heart is filled with the joy and love of a very special man. He has been a pillar of support during all of this thyroid-madness that began a year and a half ago. What kind of person would stay with someone who is a screaming maniac one minute, a crying mess the next minute, and then a stoic statute the next?
And I feel lucky because of the wonderful support that is given throughout here on DT, so real and raw.
☮ ♥
Monica
Oh Monica I did it again! I seem to mix u up with Melissa a lot.
Yes indeed you have a wonderful husband. Me too. I don’t know what would have become of me if I hadn’t found my guy.
Married to my first for nearly 11 , before he died. A very brief mistake 2 yrs…opps….I’m human. I had given up and pretty much decided to just be a single mom when I had a meeting for my middle school daughter and sharing my concerns for her with the round table of 6 teacher and two of them picked out another teacher for my blind date that somebody forgot to tell me. When he called I had no idea what he wanted….he wasn’t my daughters teacher!
After about 4 phone calls I agreed to meet him for breakfast ….that was nearly 20 yrs ago.
I tell this story for those who don’t believe stranger dates can happen.
I liked him right away. We talked like we’d known each other forever.
I am so very thankful.
I love that you get me mixed up with Monica!!! She’s so fab and beautiful!! Please mix me up with her ANYDAY!!!!
I love your story. How tragic – the first part… and then yes – the oops in the middle… and then — the beautiful ending where you end up marrying someone on a blind date.
Thank you for sharing this as well. THANK YOU.
I love this. Truly beautiful.
love you so much!
xo
Melissa
🙂