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The Diagnoses that Changed My Life Forever

Post Published: 02 November 2010
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Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 6 responses. Leave a comment

Dear Heather,

I am so sorry. Sorry for what I have done to your life. Sorry that there is nothing else I can do to help. Most of all I am sorry that friends, family and doctors do not see what I see. If friends and family did, they would understand. If the doctors could see what I see, they would help. They would realize their outdated ways of treating this autoimmune disease is beyond ridicules and making matters worse. When you were 13, I crashed. I was screaming so much for help I caused a goiter in you.  That first summer, when you gained thirty pounds, I wish I could take it back. As tired as you were because of me, you still tried being a normal teen. I wish I could have changed that. I wish you would have fit into your pom-pom outfit the way you did before I crashed. To see pictures of you with nothing fitting in middle school breaks my heart.

I see the pain, I see the tears. I see you now when your slumped in your kitchen unable to stop crying. Wondering if you will pass this onto your children. Wondering if you will ever forget your own son’s name, because it seems quite possible that you could. I see the frustration when you can’t even ask your niece for a napkin, because she is laughing too hard after you called it a pumpkin. I see you struggle every day to find the name of objects, and at times even stutter. I know when you’re not feeling good, when everything is hurting. I feel the pain too. I know what it feel s like when you’re in so much body pain that even the skin on your face hurts, or when your bones feel like someone stuck a metal lightening rod through them. I feel it too. I wish I could help.

I wish I could make your hair stop coming out in clumps. I wish you wouldn’t cry as you pull all the hair off your brush only to have to pick up the piles on the floor. I see the anger in your eyes when you can’t do what everyone else is doing, and I feel the sadness when you wish they could see it. See how hard it is just to do everyday tasks. I know you’re mad when they think you’re just being lazy, or spacing off. I know some days, even some months, you need a nap. I need it too! I can’t express just how sorry I am.

I feel horrible when you cry at the computer as you look over what everyone else is doing, and wish so much you could be there too. If only they could see! See when you do try to push yourself to do things when you’re tired, and how it can make you collapse, literally unable to move. I understand that is why you try not to do too much. I know how you feel when you’re on your hands and knees, exhausted from something that any other person could easily do. I also know that you have to save your energy for the important things, like your son. I really wish we didn’t have to ration our energy like this, I am trying; I just can’t do what I should be able to do. Please don’t blame me. I am going through the same thing you are. You just don’t see my tears. But I see yours, lots of them. Even when you’re hiding in the bathroom so your family doesn’t see you, I see you. I cry with you, you just don’t know it.

I know you’re doing a lot of research, and I know that you are no longer going to take this lying down. For this I am excited! If I could help, I would. We both deserve to be normal again. We both deserve to be seen as broken as we are. Maybe then the medical community could understand. I am hopeful that the new medication, the new dosages, and the better blood tests will help us both. Just remember I am hurting too. I cry too, and I am with you in all your tears. Maybe this year will be the year we can find our euthroid state and finally be a great team. I am keeping my fingers crossed, for both our sakes.

Best Regards,

Your Thyroid

(Bio) My name is Heather Tucker, and I have been suffering from Hashimoto’s since 1988. I live in Rockford, IL with my husband of seven years, and our four year old son.

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6 Responses to “The Diagnoses that Changed My Life Forever”

  1. yallolorry says:

    oh Heather, your story touched my heart more than I can say. You are a brave lady to have spent so long with this illness having such a difficult time, bravo for sharing in such a beautiful piece of writing. I was only diagnosed last year but suspect my thyroid had been struggling for a long time before that. Like you I’m now doing lots of research and have hope that we can both return to full health in time. I hope the new tests and treatments you mention will work for you. sending love and light

  2. Linda B Reed says:

    This is such a wonderfully true, heartfelt representation of what we go through! Thank you, Heather, for sharing your innermost feelings. It is support and encouragment for the rest of us. I am printing this out to share with my friends and family. Bless you and keep pressing on! 🙂

  3. Amanda says:

    What a wonderful letter. I know it isn’t easy to write this all out, but it sure helps. Thank you for writing and sharing with us.

    Keep learning and researching… we are our own best advocates.

    Amanda

  4. Robert says:

    What a beautiful letter Heather, thank you.

    I feel your pain, I cry your tears.

    I am so pleased you too have found your way to DearThyroid.

    For as long as we have hope we have a chance.

    Sending you and your family my very best wishes, Robert.

  5. Melissa Travis says:

    What a beautiful letter. I’m so sorry you have struggled with this for so long. There ARE people here who understand. Autoimmunities are difficult and so are struggling with them. Thank you for your bravery in expressing this so poignantly.

    Love,
    Melissa

  6. Joanna Hageman says:

    What a very bravely written letter. It made me cry as it is so true! One of these days I will find the strength to write something on my own as well. Thanks!

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