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Chronic Snarkopolist: Being Authentic Terrifies Me

Post Published: 01 December 2010
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Category: chronic autoimmune conditions column, Chronic Snarkopolist, Column
This post currently has 37 responses. Leave a comment

The other day I wrote this sentence to a friend, “I am terrified of being unlovable the way I am.” THE WAY I AM means of course, chronically ill. And WHY would I be terrified of that? WHY would I have that fear you wonder?

Flipping back through my comments I get daily I can tell from YOUR experiences and my own exactly WHY I might have those fears.  We have lost SO MANY of our friends and family and loved ones because we have been sick.  We have lost our jobs, our identity, our self-worth, our looks, our vanity, our financial freedom, our independence, and our lovers.  Which is why I am often afraid to show who I truly am in all my complexity or simplicity.

A beautiful friend of mine said to me, “I am in my sixth year of being sick and I still can’t tell who is here to stay.”  That is a big deal.  THAT IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL. I too have had people promise to stick it through thick and thin, sickness and health, and then seemingly on a whim, toss me.  My friend said, “And I get sicker. Then more people leave. But new people come.”

It is so profound- so profound learning to navigate illness.  For me I must learn to navigate my emotions, allow vulnerability, release my own bitterness against both PEOPLE and MY ILLNESS.  It is difficult sometimes.  And mostly- I have fear of my own illnesses and getting sicker and being abandoned by the people I love and need the most.  I don’t know how other people do it.  But my personal strategies are to minimize my fear and pain, spread out my friendships so I don’t lean to heavily on any one friend or set of friends, and rely on specific types of people like who I call my “emotionally healthy chronically ill friends” for support.

The problems with this are many.  It means I am often minimizing my own pain and fears – I am often lying about what I really feel.  And sometimes when the shit is REALLY ROUGH- my chronically ill friends are having a terrible time as well.  It is hard to support each other when we are BOTH going through physically and emotionally awful times. And sometimes when I reach out to people I have depended on – they just aren’t there – they don’t want to deal with it and they don’t have to. It is easy to turn off your computer or shut down your phone without being unkind. It is nothing personal.  We all understand.  Yet- where do you turn when you most need support? Especially when you feel guilty for wanting support all?

Meanwhile – I once had a friend say, “Maybe you shouldn’t have so many sick friends.” And I thought about it – because I don’t LOOK sick, and can pass for healthy at first glance.  But I roll sick.  If I spent more than a few days without my medications I would die.  I roll sick and see more specialists than most people have BEST FRIENDS.  My cell phone and calendar is full of appointments and tests and follow-ups.  Why lie to myself.  Just because “sick” is not my ONLY identity- being chronically ill is part of my life.

The few times I have surrounded myself with primarily “healthy” people- when I have flared and been the sickest- I have found myself the MOST ABANDONED. Many people are AFRAID of illness. They don’t like sickness.  Humans are inclined to find fun people to be around, not people who are ill or in pain or who need medications or in need of rest or shots or iv’s or infusions or long waits in the hospital or MANY things that some of my friends and I would not even blink at doing with or for each other.  (Or doing alone anymore.)

Sometimes the abandonment does not come physically but through the withdraw of emotional support.  I have heard so many people say, “My parents and family think if I WANTED to be better more and FOCUSED HARDER I would stop being sick and get off dialysis or fix my liver disease or thyroid or cancer etc.”  This hurts me so much.  I’m such a fan of supporting caregivers.  I want so much for caregivers to have support and understanding.  I have so much compassion for the difficulties and frustrations that surround them.  However, spreading blame and accusation back on the chronically ill is SO inappropriate.

Blaming the sick and asking us to WANT TO BE BETTER MAGICALLY and that we have not is OUR FAULT is as absurd as saying, “If you closed your eyes and wished harder you could heal your broken leg in ONE DAY instead of the normal time it takes to heal.”  Yet so many of us hear that we don’t want to be better.  One doctor even told me that I didn’t want to be better enough so I was having seizures and lupus BECAUSE of my bad health.  If doctors are doing it, of course some families and friends are judging and blaming too!  It is so much easier to blame the sick than simply allow that unfortunate things happen and sickness happens and sometimes the only thing we CAN DO is love and support each other in the process.

I discussed my views about being loved and feeling unlovable for being ill with my physical therapist who replied to me, “I love my kids and my wife MORE when they are sick.  And I sat there in silence.  It was hard for me to grasp that SOME PEOPLE can love people when they are sick – without judgment, without anger.  Here is a person who chose to help the injured and in pain.  He chose to help people who hurt and BELIEVE they are in pain even though pain is not visible.  And I realized that he meant his words.  He goes to work and helps people live their best life by showing them how to move their body. But he has never made me feel minimized or unlovable or judged.

All these things are adding up for me. Life is complex and beautiful.  People are inherently worth loving.  Humans are not meant to have emotional distance from other humans.  We are meant to engage with each other and care about each other.

All I know is that when I put distance on MY LIFE it is to keep me “safe” and really it creates an artificial distance and it is not working for me.  It is hurting me.  It hurts everyone.  It is not real.  It is not authentic.  It is not vulnerable or honest to me or anyone.  We all deserve better.  I deserve to trust again and those around me deserve to be trusted.  Even if there are a few missteps along the way.

How often has being ill kept you from exploring a new friendship or relationship? How many times have you used it as an excuse not to pursue something new?  Do you use your health as a reason not to be brave? Are you afraid of love or rejection because you have been abandoned and rejected before?  Can we be lovable because and not just in spite of our health? What do you think? Tell me! I must know!

I’ll be back same time next week! Kiss kiss!

Melissa

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37 Responses to “Chronic Snarkopolist: Being Authentic Terrifies Me”

  1. Gina says:

    You are indeed not afraid to be authentic. Yours is quite possibly the mist moving and honest post I’ve ever encountered on Twitter. Bravo.

    • Melissa Travis says:

      Gina – Thank you so much – you are a complete gem for saying so!! Muah!! I love it when you share yourself! Come and share here anytime.

      kisses!
      Melissa

  2. Linny says:

    Melissa,
    BINGO~!
    Oh my oh my have you said it well.
    I often think how the very questions others ask of me are causing more illness.
    If I could just be understood.
    I could at least relax….
    no longer trying to explain how it is to be me.
    Then I could save that energy for something else!
    If I were sightless its like I would hear some say, come on try real hard, I’m sure you can see, your eyes look fine to me!
    People please don’t exhaust us with your doubts!
    It’s hard enought that WE have to admit it to ourselves let alone convince another…..whywhywhy must others feel compelled to drain us more than we are.
    So right there with you….what can be done about it?
    Lovingly, Linny

    • Melissa Travis says:

      Hello beautiful Linny- Yes- I think all of us working together- caregivers, docs, healthcare staff, the chronically ill – to understand and be understood – are where its at. And here at DT- getting our healing lives SPOKEN OUT LOUD… Healing comes from being vulnerable and loving each other, sharing our stories, and accepting with love what our stories are. And THAT is why this place is so powerful and beautiful.

      And THANK YOU – for being part of it and making it work so well!!! I’m grateful for what you bring with each beautiful insight!!!
      xo
      Melissa

  3. Stan says:

    I think that, as we are, sick or well, ALL of us are unlovable. The miracle is that we love and are loved anyway. The notion that we have any control over this process, that we can somehow make ourselves more lovable through healing or self-improvment, that we can choose whom we love, is a debilitating myth.

    Our job is to live our best possible life, love the people we love (even though they don’t deserve it) and be open to love if and when it finds us (even though we don’t deserve it).

    This yearning for love is a subconcious understanding that life is war, and we are all exhausted from the effort. We yearn for reality to be other than it is. We yearn for rest and safety this side of the grave. We think that love will provide that, but the protection love provides is false, is an illusion. As D.H. Lawrence wrote, “And he thought of his own mission, how he had tried to lay the compulsion of love on all men. And the old nausea came back on him. For there was no contact without a subtle attempt to inflict a compulsion.” Sadly, this is true. My wife’s love for me requires that I be someone I probably wouldn’t otherwise be. My children’s love for me requires that I do things I wouldn’t otherwise do. And so, you see, even in love’s arms, the fight, the war, the struggle continues – only, on this front, I must struggle against my own nature, and I must continue that stuggle. I cannot extricate myself lest I inflict harm on those whom I love. But, I suppose, in the absence of any true peace, in my weakness I will choose the illusion.

    It must seem cruel to you that as someone who is chronically, seriously ill, you must face such a difficult struggle while those who are well do not. But the truth is, everyone faces their own fight, their own war, and eventually, like you, like everyone else, they will fail. You think that love is denied to you by well people because they are afraid of illness. The truth is love is denied to everyone by most people. Only a few people we meet in our lives will love us. Sick people are denied love for the same reason well people are denied – for some reason our personal struggles are seen as too draining for those who would love us. Would a relationship with a tragically insecure person be any less draining than a relationship with a chronically ill person? How about an habitual drug user? A gambler? A womanizer? A person crushed by debt? A workaholic? A trucker? We are all denied love by others because something in our lives turns them off, yet miraculously, we seem to find love anyway. Even those who are ill. The reason? Because everyone is desperate for someone to cling to, someone to offer the illusion of peace and rest. If we are lucky, we find someone who is willing to cling to us despite our personal struggles and flaws, and if we are really lucky, we are willing to cling to them as well, despite their personal struggles and flaws.

    And there it is. It’s luck. It’s pure, random luck, and nothing more. It’s nothing that you are doing or not doing. It’s nothing that you are or aren’t. You just haven’t found one of the people who will love you. Yet. Whether or not that luck ever finds you is no reflection on you.

    So what do you do in the meantime? Live your best life possible. Do what you have to do to be healthy. Face your struggle for as long as you can face it. To do that, find something that excites you and pursue it. Whether or not that all comes to naught is besides the point. Eventually, everything we do comes to naught. So live for the passion in the moment. Do not dwell on your fate. Because your fate is the same as my fate is the same as everyone’s fate. Who is to say that death haunts your steps closer than it does mine? Or your neighbor’? Death stalks us all. Do not dwell on it. Do what you have to do to stave him off, and then focus on some passion to help you forget he is there.

    • Melissa Travis says:

      Hello Stan –
      Thank you for coming to share here. Yes- I hear you – I hear your words. They feel so passionate yet powerless too.

      What we’re doing at DT is sharing and healing and supporting with our stories. Loving and being loved is where I’m coming from. It is my angle. Your story is different. And I accept what you bring. I’m here listening to you and your pain. And I’m glad you brought it. Sharing and listening is part of it. And life IS full of pain and powerlessness and despair and sacrifice too.

      Thanks for sharing Stan.
      xo
      Melissa

  4. What a vicious cycle. From the very start of getting ill, changing physically and mentally seeing friends and family drop off one by one. It is so heart breaking. All the hours of wondering why. Phase 2: Isolation. Not wanting to burden others any longer. To not have to wonder anymore who will light out on me now. This took a few years to get through. On to Phase 3, just wanting to be a part of life some how, some way. I have now accepted my life from here on out is going to be much more different than the one I had to leave behind. Still saddens me but I must stand tall and find my way through what life I have now. No longer having deep close confiding friendships that I use to know and love but I am who I am now, love me or not. That’s just the way it has to be. For my heart can no longer handle the worry and the wondering on top of all the physical pain I must bear and endure.

    • Melissa Travis says:

      Dear Lisa – Thank you so so much for bringing that story here! Yes- yes yes yes! That cycle- I know that cycle. I’m hoping some how we can bear witness with you to a 4th one – where we poke our heads out and there is a supportive group who even through the pain CAN sustain it and you and all the bravery and courage and stoicism AND BE THERE.

      Where love you- YES LOVE YOU- and love in return.. I’m hoping this is what DT is creating… the healing community where we’re all getting each other. And we understand and share stories and heal. And by bearing witness to the vast array of experiences we’ve endured we CAN start to not only heal but trust again AND MORE IMPORTANTLY find people worthy of our trust.

      It is my hope. I’m sharing it with you. Maybe.. maybe.

      So much love! I’m so glad you’ve commented!! It makes my heart light up!
      xo
      Much much love.
      Melissa

  5. Amy says:

    Melissa,
    I am kind of speechless. I’m grateful for the people who do love MORE when we are sick and am grateful we occasionally run into them in our journey.

    I’ve been feeling very angry about how some of my doctors have gotten frustrated with meds/surgeries/procedures not working and they phrase it as if it were my fault. I have stopped letting anyone come into my doctors appointments with me b/c of this. I am clearly not the boss of black and white tests. I do what I am told at the time I am told to do it and in the manner I am told to do it and I can not make any organ in my body do what my dr is ordering it to do nor can I explain why it may or may not work. I don’t want people who love me poisoned by hearing this and leave me b/c they think I AM the reason I am still sick. So now I go into my Dr’s exam rooms and offices alone. I do not like this but I don’t like being sick, either, and we see how much of a choice we all get on that matter.
    Your writing is beautiful. You are beautiful. I love you and my life is a happier place with you in it.

    Love,
    W.T.

    • Melissa Travis says:

      Hello beautiful Amy- W.T.

      Yes– it is such a powerful thing – and medical terminology itself often inadvertently blames the patient for not responding to medications or tests. “Patient not responding.” On the other hand – taking someone with you who believes in you might be the support you need. Who knows. We all need love and support- and science cannot be swayed by magical thinking– remember that gorgeous.

      It is so odd how often people self-blame (I do it) and other blame for any number of miseries or illnesses yet would easily recognize it as bullshit if others did it to themselves. GIANT HUGS. Maybe instead of going it alone we might try taking people in the rooms with us. (I go it alone too… maybe it’s time for a change?)

      Love you W.T. I’M ALWAYS IN YOUR CORNER.
      xoxo
      Melissa

  6. Amy says:

    This is a response to what Stan wrote:

    I disagree with Stan with every cell in my body and every ounce of my being. I believe we are all lovable and that it is society who teaches people that loving is a burden. I think we are born as loving beings. I have one person in my life who loves me more when I am sick- he admires me for how hard I work in a day even though from the outside it would appear I have accomplished nothing. He sees the small things like how today I was able to keep my 6pm meds down even though I’ve been vomiting everything up for days.

    Some people see these things as strengths, Stan. And while everyone does have battles, when battling to live and having the people around you leave, that can’t be compared to the extra shift you picked up b/c you have kids. (sidenote: people decide to marry, to have kids. I did not decide to get sick and die young.)

    The different selves you bring up, Stan, are ones YOU CHOSE. If you want to spew “live your best life” bullshitery, please go to http://www.oprah.com. And by the way, being chronically ill is very different from “personal struggles and flaws.”

    My Best,

    Amy

    • Stan says:

      Amy,

      I am going to die, you are going to die, everyone is going to die. None of us chose this. Who is to say that you will die before me? I could die in a car accident this afternoon. I happen to suffer from depression, and it just so happens for the next couple of months I will be covered by two life insurance policies worth a total of $900,000. If I could make myself believe that the money would be worth the pain my family would endure, I’d die tonight.

      And even if I live for another 50 years and you die tomorrow, why will my life have been more just than yours? Eventually, all memory of us will pass from this earth. We are not swapping stories about the hilarious eating habits or abysmal jokes or meticulous personal hygiene of our dead ancestors from the Dark Ages. Except for the few famous figures, their lives are lost to us. The only thing they took with them into the afterlife (if there is one) was their experiences.

      The comparison of your illness to everyone else’s personal struggle is profitless. What matter if you suffer more than everyone else? Everyone suffers. None of us is truly ready for death when it finds us, either young or old. Is your illness tragic? Absolutely. It is heartrending. I feel sorrow for you. But then, I feel sorrow for all of us. I rail at the injustice that you and my friend Melissa are faced with. But then, I rail at the injustice that all of us are faced with.

      I am thankful for the love of my wife and children. I would not soon part with it. However, that does not blind me to the demands their love places on me or the demands that my love places on them. None of us are peaches. I can tell by the tone of your writing that you are no angel to live with. Yet your husband loves you anyway. None of us are lovable. Yet the miracle of love is that some people will love us anyway. So why not suggest that Melissa accept who she is, accept that she is in a terrible situation, accept the fact that someone will love her anyway, and until she has the luck to find that person, try to live the most experience and passion-filled life that her illness will allow her to live?

      • Melissa Travis says:

        Stan – I’m sorry you are living with depression. I’m sorry that you struggle to stay afloat. I know your story more than most and you know more of mine. I think it makes it easier for you to comment freely.

        What you don’t know is how others are living. Or that they have watched their health diminish over time.

        I’m sorry you are hurting and that you don’t believe in love. Many people here have watched people they truly love die. Many here are dying and some are actually healing and doing better than ever! Health and healing is amazing and beautiful. It is what is happening. Some have hope and some have stoicism and some have more like what you have – anger leaning towards depression.

        And for that I am truly sorry.

        I will tell you something you may not know Stan. Some of us are truly ready for death. It is the dying that hurts. But this place, DT- it is for sharing and being supportive and healing. And even you with depression and pain may find some peace here. There are many here who have walked in similar boot paths even if not for the same reasons. Many here will understand your feelings. We just choose to make different meanings from the pain we are in.

        Loving you Stan. For your kindnesses over the years and for your honesty and your feelings and your pain.
        xo
        Melissa

        • Stan says:

          Melissa,

          You have misread me. What you and others see as an angry, depressing missive was in fact intended to be a positive message. One exhorting you to embrace yourself, flaws and illness and all. You are not required to be perfect. You are not required to measure up to some standard of “lovable” because no such standard exists; we all have flaws and personal battles we are fighting. Love will find you or it won’t, but that has more to do with luck than with anything you or your doctors are able to control.

          My writing was meant to encourage you to relax a bit, deal with your illness, and enjoy your life as much as you are able. Does this mean I think you should pretend you aren’t sick? Absolutely not. Merely do what your body will allow you to do, nothing more.

          If you think, as someone has suggested, that I do not believe in love, then you have misunderstood me entirely.

          Please to do not project any anger, depression, or suffering on my words when none exists. You seem to think that I am an angry person. I am not. I am resigned to my existence. I wrote not to “share” (hate that word, BTW) my story or pain, but to encourage you.

          Stan

    • Melissa Travis says:

      Thank you for sharing here. Your views are ALWAYS welcome here. I love you. xo

    • Melissa Travis says:

      Amy – Thank you for sharing. It is always powerful when you share your views. Thank you for being brave. Love you so much. Thank you for your thoughtful comments gorgeous.
      xoxo
      Melissa

  7. Linny says:

    wow Stan, you have convinced me ~!At least for today.
    I believe you do have a valid point.
    I still think we are more complex than that on some level.
    Not sure how to explain, but I think we can be MORE at times.
    I believe that LOVE and loving bring out the best that we can be. Not that we wouldn’t or couldn’t but we choose to be lovable.
    Sickness makes us feel incapable of earning love.
    But I think to myself why am I sharing so much here on this site. It isn’t for me. I can talk to myself. But I must admit I want to be lovable. I want others to say, Oh what you said has made me feel so much better. In making another feel better, I can feel good that I did something, said something that helped someone other than myself. Isn’t that being loving?
    To love is a verb if it is to be meaningful.
    There are good reasons for us all to be loving. We are not pretending if the purpose is love.
    Lovingly, Linny
    I can’t seem to make myself better but when I have touched someone else I JUST DO FEEL BETTER. We need each other.

  8. Nicole Wells says:

    Melissa,

    Um, we have a mind meld this week. My upcoming column is about how I can’t be anything less than authentic now that I’ve started a new job after this disease bullshit. Totally weird!

    Thank you for laying it all out there. I worry about getting back into relationships, and how I might be viewed…I don’t want to be seen as the “girl with a disease”, and I fear of being viewed as damaged goods…but when it comes down to it, FUCK IT. If someone isn’t going to love me for me AND my life experiences, they can suck it raw.

    xoxo,

    Nicole

    • Joyce Ann says:

      Nicole, you said it sister. We are NOT broken. The ones in our lives who truly love us will be there. If not, move on.

    • Melissa Travis says:

      Oh wow Nicole!! Cannot wait to read your new column!!!

      Yes – I’m just now starting to touch my toes out into the world and think, “How much of ME do I need to share?” I DON’T look sick, but I do need to be honest. If I’m going to date or work or be out in the world, how much of ME do people need to know about me? I don’t need to megaphone it- but if I need to take medications or need to park in a handicap space b/c my body cannot walk far- should I be mortified or just deal with it normally?

      I’m JUST NOW realizing instead of driving alone, I should allow my friends to DEAL WITH WHO I am. It is part of being authentic. And yes — it is vulnerable and interesting and new for me. And it is living life as all of who I am.

      Big stuff. Cannot wait to read your insights!!! I LOVE that we are in each others life at the same time!!!
      xoxo
      Melissa

  9. Stan says:

    Linny,

    I think you and I are talking about two different things.

    Stan

  10. Joyce Ann says:

    Thank you for speaking from your heart. I shared this on my FB page, so that maybe some folks in my life will understand what’s going on behind my eyes in dealing with this every day of my life. I will have rough times, but I will fight tooth and nail to not live my life out of fear. Thank you.

    • Melissa Travis says:

      Joyce Ann,
      Thank YOU for commenting here!!! I love it when others share their views. Everyone is so welcome here. It is always so beautiful and powerful to hear so many sides and see how people think and share. We’re all on the path together… and we’re all walking this journey. and YES– I am SO GLAD you’re working not to live in fear. I’m WALKING THAT PATH WITH YOU.

      Sending so much love. THANKS FOR THE COMMENT! Write more! I love to hear your views!
      xoxo
      Melissa

  11. Lolly says:

    Melly Mel,

    I agree with Nicole and Stan if someone is worth having around or even worth loving or being loved they have to be committed or else they can just go fuck off and find some other fucking mug.

    As for family well you just can’t choose your family but you certainly don’t have to have there negativity in your life..if someone truly doesn’t understand what you are going through and how it effects you on a daily basis then it’s because they are either not interested or shy away from pain medical situations or Illness.

    You do well to have different friends you can rely on for different situations. Ones you know you can talk too when needs must who will understand and be there when you may need them the most, those who just aren’t well enough to cope at that time, well you also have to understand they are going through there only battles and need to recharge there own batteries, in that instance it’s give and take.

    When you are chronically ill you tend to surround yourself with friends who are in similar situations either attracted to you via circumstances or met through other sources one thing you know they are going to undertand your daily plight and you there’s I guess it;ps easier as we do here we surrpnd ourselves with friends who have thyroid conditions be it cancer hashitmoto’s GD. My ex hubby tends to have a lot of dialysis friends he converses with as they and only they truly know how he feels and what he is going through wven though his own family excluding our duaghter who cares that much she gave him one of her good kidneys als it no longer works donlt relly uinderstand and just remeber the man that used to be mot thje man that is and that is d=sad as I see the man he has become and it makes me want to do more even if we are no longer together I help when I can. I habve my own chronically sik person to care for I have always been a carwer even if at times |I need that care myself I will never ad=sk for it as long as I can talk walk and do as much for myself as need be I dread the day I need anyone to hel[p me as I am not good at askijg for it and that is the truth a hug is good enough for me it shows somoen cares

    So here is a big Hugs for you Melly Mel I wish I lived nearer I think we would be good friends and understand each other I really do, we can still be from a distance and there is skype you know.

    Much love fucking great column.

    Lollyxoxox

    • Melissa Travis says:

      Dearest Lolly-lol! What would I do without you and your insights and your occasional f*bomb! 🙂 xoxo

      Yes – good point. birds of a feather do flock together. And THAT is probably why it is easier to have a few more sick friends than not. And YOU ARE indeed a carrer. And I’m biding the time when I can take my magic carpet ride over to the UK and surprise you! It WILL happen one of these days. You’ll be shocked!! haha!

      It is much easier to avoid negativity than be involved with it. And sometimes I think it is hard to discriminate between a “negative person who is mean or cranky” and someone who is truly ill or in need of help. Because some people are simply spoiled and just need to help themselves and others are truly ill. We’ve all seen those types who shop all day and drink all night and are NEGATIVE to be around b/c they make themselves FEEL BAD so they make everyone else feel bad. THEY give sick people a BAD NAME!!! Oy!

      Love you so much Lolly-lol!
      You are a light in my world! Truly!
      xoxoox
      Melissa

  12. Linny says:

    birds of a feather flock together~! Sick or not sick. Who best understands and can relate to our “world”!

    Sorry Stan if I didn’t explain the connection I thought we had. I suppose that there are different kinds of loves.

    Very thought provoking stuff and I’m glad we shared anyway.
    Linny

  13. Linny,
    I agree. I love seeing everyone sharing their thoughts, feelings and views.

  14. Linny says:

    months I will be covered by two life insurance policies worth a total of $900,000. If I could make myself believe that the money would be worth the pain my family would endure, I’d die tonight.

    Stan are you kidding me?
    My husband died at the age of 34 from a heart attack. Our children then 5 and 8.
    If I’d had money that I would have had or had a chance to buy my husband back I would have bought my husband back.
    My children are grown now. There is no amount of money that can buy the years of their needs back.
    It was not because he was perfect or we had prefect or the children are perfect it is because we had what everybody wants, a chance.
    You need to get over the anger and be glad you can tuck them in at night.
    I know you are hurting, we are all hurting. Amy didn’t deserve the wise crack for sharing her feelings. Do you need to have everyone agree with you?
    I understand why you said we were talking about different ideas.
    I think your feelings are the way you feel and you can think what you want of course.
    But would it hurt if you stepped outside of yourselve and just took another idea to heart. What if you found a better answer…..wouldn’t it be worth it?
    I believe the glass is half full, is yours half empty?
    I’m sorry you are depressed. Your family is sticking by your side, they must know you are lovable.
    Try harder, lovingly, Linny

    • Stan says:

      Linny,

      What wisecrack? I don’t recall making one. But I suppose since I didn’t post a variation on the “we’re all wonderful” theme like everyone else, it’s okay for Amy to call my views “bullshittery.”

      Yeah.

      • Melissa Travis says:

        Stan- love you. Amy is a dear friend and so are you. I love you both deeply. And I value you both. I’m sorry the two of you didn’t resonate with your views.

        OX

        • Amy says:

          okay, people. Let’s take this down a notch. Stan, I believe in love and therefore believe you are lovable. Period. I’m PRO-LOVE. And I’m cracking up about me being “no angel to live with.” I have an ex-husband who would say the same. I love you and I hope you find what you need, here and wherever you are in your journey. I think it’s okay that we disagree that everyone is unlovable. I’m gonna love you anyway. 😛

          Peace, Love, and all that pinko commie bullshittery that is me.

          Amy

  15. Linny says:

    “live your best life” bullshitery …..”can tell you are no angel to live with”

    Attacks on us? how is that helping….~!
    We complain about “the others” doing this.
    WE are sick, why kick a dog when we’re down.
    neither comment will help.
    I am not here to judge, I just want us to be able to open up. We should all try not to name call.
    Lovingly, Linny

    • Stan says:

      Linny,

      I don’t know you or how lucid your illness allows you to be, but it was Amy who referred to my writing as “live your best life” bullshittery.

      As for my telling Amy that she is no angel to live with, that was not meant as an attack. None of us are angels. We are not perfect. No one is easy to live with. I was making the point that her husband loves her despite her flaws.

      I’m not here to kick you when you’re down. I am not writing attacks. I’m merely disagreeing with some of you. That’s not the same thing as attacking you.

      To make an observation (not intended as an insult), you are a sensitive lot.

  16. Amy says:

    This is an excellent example of how scary it is to be authentic. Look at so many of us, me included. Really look; some of us (me included) have been flipping the fuck out over sharing our authentic selves and then reacting to peoples authentic reactions to us putting our souls out here for all to read. Just an observation.

    It is also a testament to Melissa’s writing. Melissa, you were able to be your authentic self, get many people also to write about their authentic selves and then many of us handled being “naked,” in a sense, very differently. Kind of cool if you ask me.

    Love,

    Amy

  17. Lolly says:

    Hey stan,

    I can tell you hand on heart n word of a lie I will never find a man who will Love me cus i’m just too hot to handle I think things have really gotten blown out of context here I can see all sides and I saw where you were coming from Stan in the first place and remarked i liked your comment I never read it as you can’t be loved just excepeting things as they are and living a life as best we can even if it means without love there’s always a rampant rabbit and some batteries at hand.

    Sorry you have depression no doubt you learn to live with it I hope the thoughts of dieing donlt consume you too much as you point out we all have to die one die and I am not afraid of it but I sure as hell wnat to go out with a bang.

    I think it’s good that you all have your own opinions about things and that is what makes DT unique to other places where something like this would have just boiled over into a senseless argument about misread words or bad interpretation. Stan you got to remember thyroid disease in some us can make us have such a rage you wouldn’t even want to be in the same room so we have to except the good days the bads days and be there for all the inbetweens I hope you stick around.

    BTW what thryoud disease do you have if you donlt mind me asking, as depression can be one of the horrible symptoms.

    I’m not authentic I’m fucking unique you won’t find another like me if you tried.

    Melly mel you can come surprise me any day never mind a magic carpet first class for you my dear. sorry about all the typo’s I was getign a bit carried away in the first response meant every word of it though and yes I get you about easier to avoid negativety. Hard to discriminate sometimes but you get to find out in the end you know you’re not stupid.

    One love
    Lolly

  18. Lolly says:

    Before I go, I just want to say Love you guys, sorry about all the SP typo’s mistakes I can’t even read my own fecking writing so hope you can decifer it. I forget to check before I hit submit.

    Lolly saying goodnight tomorrow is another day and I intend to embrace it.

  19. Linny says:

    Well we all got a lot out. I think it’s healing to witness how we might sound to others. We, most reading this, have never met. But we share a unique bond.
    Stan I am glad you are not as heavy as you sounded. I was worried about you. I don’t want any of us to give up.
    We are special people here, and we have, I’m learning, the ability to share and talk and compare and disagree. There are many who are reading what we write. I can say that a few have identified with each of us. Slowly more are starting to share. This is so valuable. We are becoming less and less alone. I am better for meeting all of you here. I can now trust others again because of you who write here too. Thank you, I know when I’m afraid or alone or need advice I have a place to go. {no matter what I say) I think you are all so damn wonderful..even when we don’t always agree. Lovingly, Linny

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