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It’s my one year Cancerversary & I’m breaking free

Post Published: 19 January 2011
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Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 7 responses. Leave a comment

Dear Thyroid

It is now a year since I left you and your cancer side kick and I am popping the champagne corks in celebration.  Or rather that is what I should be doing.

Instead of looking in the mirror and feeling fabulous, I am looking and seeing this over weight shadow of a woman that I was, drained of energy and confidence.  Why?

Instead of celebrating I have just got home from the doctors after being subscribed anti depressants.  Why?

Instead of feeling so excited about my fabulous honeymoon in 5 days time, I am worried that I will drive away the rock in my life, my crutch of support through out this hiccup in my life, my adorable husband.  Why?

Instead of being thankful for my family and friends and looking forward to the rest of my life, I am struggling to see beyond today. Why?

Instead of coming home and being the fabulous wife my husband met, I push him away, curl up in a corner and cry uncontrollably.  Why?

How can you still make me feel so low even when you are no longer in my life?

Why now after a year of getting rid of you does everyone presume I am OK?

Why is it perceived to be such a weakness to not cope?

Where is the light at the end of my tunnel?

Why do I know you won’t reply and I won’t get these answers?

. . . . . .

It’s time to put my smile back on and try so very hard to be positive about what I have.

It’s time to pretend to be the person that everyone expects me to be, to be the person I was before you tried so very hard to wreck my life and all I love.

Yours still, as much as I am trying to break free

Nina

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7 Responses to “It’s my one year Cancerversary & I’m breaking free”

  1. Donna says:

    Hi Nina,

    It’s my four year cancerversary this month too. I had two good years (maybe) and then I fell into decline but did not know it pertained to my thyroid replacement meds. I made every mistake in the book, I numbed myself with klonopin I did not need, I chased good health, I confused symptoms, I took antibiotics I did not need, I thought it was peri-menopause, I thought I just lost my lust for life, I became despondent and uninterested, I thought the RAI treatment killed my immune system. Basically I saw life as I knew it as over. I became comfortable accepting what I now see as unacceptable as my norm. I almost gave up. It was the most awful time in my whole life. I felt like the biggest loser ever and honestly I did not care.

    What is my point might you ask? You are one year in and you are already way ahead of me. You have so much more information, so many people that will jump in and tell you what their experience has been and you will learn. Knowledge is power. You will reclaim your life and your health and be again the person that you were, maybe even better.

    What might you learn? I’m guessing you are going to learn that almost every friggin symptom you have is related to your thyroid meds not being what you need to feel yourself again. You will learn that maybe you are not on the right combination or that you don’t get your levels checked often enough to tell the true story or get the full panel of bloodwark that tells whether you are converting or not. That so many things that are different are all related to your thyroid being gone.
    More than anything I’m hoping that you will be armed with knowledge and in total control of your health. I know you will get there from here because you already took the first steps. You will not accept this as your destiny and you will become the person in total control of your treatment. You will find what works for you.

    I know this to be true. It happened to me. I’m so much better mentally and physically. I lost a few precious years but you won’t. You are going to get this figured out, get married and regain your life. Yep, you will. How can we help?

  2. Amanda says:

    Nina,
    Thank you for sharing this with us all. Your frustration is so real and raw. I hope you find a way back to yourself. Keep writing!

    Amanda

  3. Nina,
    First off, congratulations on your 1 year anniversary! I am 10 years in with Grave’s Disease and have a terrible time with getting the right dosage of thyroid med. You should be extremely proud of yourself for fighting the hard fight and continue fighting each and every day. The catch is making yourself happy within the first 15 minutes of every day. Those 15 minutes will determine how the rest of your day will go. Whether its pretend or not, keep the smile and optimism. Along with knowledge will take you a very long way.
    Lisa

  4. cakes says:

    Dear Nina,
    I’ve been doing this for over 25 years. What I have learned is that everything changes. There are years that are just crap and you just have to get through them hoping to still be alive. BUT there are things that can be learned and laughed about afterwards. I have learned to never be judgemental (I was for years, because I didn’t have symptoms)to love all people all the time, to call doctors on their crap (if you feal like you aren’t being listened to, go with it) to not put up with sub-standard medical care (I would be much healthier if I didn’t believe everything that came out of their mouths) that being “plump” is not the end of the world – everyone loves a plump friend, now I just need to learn to love myself plump, to laugh at every possible fricking moment, and to hold peoples hand and cry with them for the injustice and pain of it all, and most importantly to give myself a break, when I’m feeling low. Going through cancer is not going to be fun all the time, to forgive myself for the many dark times, to think of myself as a friend. I would never belittle a friend the pain of cancer. Most of all I need to start seeing myself as a friend.

    Cheers to you for expressing yourself.

  5. Cakes,
    I absolutely loved your reply. All the things we have learned along the way….

  6. misti_hope says:

    Nina,

    Before you try the anti-depressants, get tested for a vitamin D deficiency. If you are already taking vitamin D, make sure you’re taking at least 2000 IU’s a day.

    I have been on thyroid replacement meds since my thyroid was removed 18 years ago. It has only been in the past year or so that what I thought was my meds not working or not being the correct dose was actually an extreme deficiency of vitamin D. If I take at least 2000 IU’s per day, every day, I feel so much better. And I have the energy to get some physical exercise every day as well, which in turn gives me more energy and lessens my depression. I was able to reduce my dosage of my med (which is GREAT!) and still feel good.

    Mary Shomon has an article about it here: http://thyroid.about.com/b/2010/09/30/vitamin-d-important-thyroid.htm

    Take it from me, it will get better. Just make sure to educate yourself, find a doctor who listens to you and is willing to work with you to find treatment that works for you, and keep your chin up. There is lots of support out there!

    Take care,
    Misti

  7. Jayne Vranos says:

    Dear Nina,
    I wish you positive thoughts…. Now to most that may sound odd, but I’ve learned the hard way to turn the negative and turn it around. Feeling crappy today – grant yourself a break, and relax, enjoy the sunshine while you rest in your chair. Your life has started a new chapter today, you are your author.
    I survived by exercise, eating whole foods, researching, demanding the best from my health care professionals and granting myself a little slack. I am not perfect, I am changed, but I am me!
    You will be okay … best wishes on the new great you..

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