Chronic Snarkopolist: Body Disconnection
Hello my loves!
Just today I was reading a beautiful letter from someone asking when she was going to get her neck back, “Hut Hut Hut” and it really sent a powerful jolt through me how much I myself have disconnected from my own body throughout different times in my own life.
One of my friends was undergoing cancer treatment and her doctor said, “How are you doing?” And Leslie replied, I’m fine and was about to discuss the treatment and symptoms, robot-like. Her doctor stopped her and said, “No, I mean inside here,” and tapped her heart. Leslie told me for the first time since beginning treatment she cried in front of her doctor.
We are taught again and again to give concise histories, to not cry (I do and I will) to act like a robot. Our bodies get so disconnected during treatment that our parts become the only thing being treated. Once, when I started to blackout during a treatment a nurse said, “Get her orange juice she’s getting low blood sugar.” I was handed juice and they carried on and NO ONE asked me how I felt.
Throughout life we begin to disconnect from our bodies, to hate one part, to love another. We pluck and fuss and over-define. But during medical treatments it gets worse and we get even more disconnected from our bodies. Not only in theory are we disconnected, but our very body parts are hacked and sewn back on, poked and prodded. Pieces of us are removed, sometimes forever.
I used to tell people to fill up their missing pieces with love, with good thoughts, to say goodbye, to write memorials, to do anything to stay connected. Yet – like anyone, I myself have found it impossible to stay fully present with my own body emotionally (and physically).
“You have a lesion here and here and a tumor there and there,” sounds more like a map of a foreign land. It gets easier to hear of antibodies and lab tests when you just zone out and schedule things like a list of things that must get done rather than THINKING TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT THEY MEAN. Taking strange sounding medications that sound like something a person regurgitates is also easier done with distance. And when injecting myself subcutaneously or getting IV’s and needles constantly poked into me, projecting my mind far away into a sweet land with blue seas is almost necessary against the rage inside me. After all I did NOTHING to deserve this.
Like anyone with chronic illness, I’ve been impossibly “good” – I didn’t eat anything, misbehave, or do anything to have a body requiring such things. If I had DONE something to DESERVE this or CAUSE THIS maybe I wouldn’t be so angry. But I didn’t. Life is strange and bodies are strange. My inner RAGE at both my lack of health, my finances, and what I must do to maintain my health force a sort of daily disconnect. And I’m convinced too much disconnection is no good.
How can anyone keep all this “disconnection” from creating more of it from our bodies? How to keep loving our bodies and treating them good? That’s what yoga, and self-care is about. How do we lovingly care for ourselves, create good bonds with people, and get up every day when we still have SO MUCH junk to deal with? That is what I’m dealing with. And I presume every chronically ill person does too. What are your techniques? I’m in the middle of my journey and still working through it. How about you?
I’ll be back same time next week! Kiss kiss!
Tags: chronic illness swallowing emotions, Chronic Snarkopolist: Body Disconnection, dissasociating from health issues, intellectualizing our conditions, learning to heal from the inside out, learning to re-program ourselves, learning to reconnect with our bodies, managing chronic illness, never discussing how we feel, speaking to doctors like robots