The Long and Winding Road
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately…trying to remember what is was like before you left. You left me when I was pregnant, although you’d been thinking about leaving for years. You were pretty good about hiding your intentions. Sometimes I wonder if you and my doctor were in cahoots. I was so tired and so unhappy and I blame it all on you. It maybe unhealthy to place blame, but it sure makes me feel better.
Even now I blame you. My husband blames you too. Sometimes I still blame me…worry that I may use you as an excuse to be a bitch…not on purpose mind you, but with the world telling me to get over it and that I don’t have cancer anymore…that it was the good cancer. I actually let myself me feel guilty for getting this cancer, like I had a hand in this.
Thyroid, you could have put me in a coma, you could have cost me my little girl’s life. You almost cost me my relationship with my husband, my friends and my family. But most importantly, you cost me my personality and my sanity…you still 7 years later, cause me grief and heart ache and I am stuck with this for the rest of my life. I’m paranoid…I blame you…I’m fat…I blame you…I’m moody…I blame you. I blame you for the loss of me and the person I loved so much. I spent a long time getting me to where I could love myself and you came along and stole it. 5 days in the psychiatric ward because of you and a medical field that knows next to nothing about what it is like to have no thyroid.
I believe Cee Low Green put it best with FUCK YOU!
Charlon Nadine Bruner
A bit about Charlon: I wrote this article for thyroid cancer canada (thry’vors) in 2007 entitled Courage from Within. It tells my story and how the decision to get pregnant saved my life. You can find me on twitter (@charlonadine).
Tags: Dear Thyroid Letters, letters from thyroid cancer survivors, thyroid cancer, thyroid cancer blog, thyroid cancer forum, thyroid cancer literary site, thyroid cancer support, thyroid cancer survivors, thyroid causing moodiness and paranoia, thyroid psychoses, thyroid related psychiatric issues, thyroid weight gain