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Chronic Worthlessness
I wonder how many of us feel chronically worthless and for countless reasons. Do we feel like we let ourselves down when our brains want to run, do and see, but our bodies won’t allow us to? Do we feel we let our families down because our minds and, or bodies don’t feel well enough? Do we say yes with good intentions and when the day arrives, a withered body can’t peel itself off the couch? Or a dysfunctional thyroid brain can’t see beyond itself?
I wonder how all of this factors into our sense of self. I wonder about the little tears in our hearts and if those tears will erupt into a huge broken heart. I wonder if that broken heart will destroy every fiber of self worth we have? I wonder if the damage is irrevocable.
I wonder how many times we apologize in a day for not being there. I wonder what those apologies equate to. Don’t get me wrong, apologizing, in my opinion is a good thing. Though, I wonder if we ever truly move past the consequences of our actions that resulted in the apology.
Chronic illness and chronic worthlessness, are they synonymous? I wonder how we reinvent ourselves. I wonder how we repair broken relationships and establish new ones, including ourselves.
So, tell me, do you feel chronically worthless? Do you feel chronically great? Whatever the case may be, let’s talk about it and gain strength from each other.
Love,
Katie
Tags: chronic illness, chronic illness causing low self-esteem, chronic illness' impact on ourselves families and friends, chronic loss of self-esteem, chronic worthlessness, moving past chronic illness, rebuilding relationships with chronic illness
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7 Responses to “Chronic Worthlessness”
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The chronic worthlessnes is even more difficult to deal with than the constant physical pain. We live in an impatient, misogynistic, goal-obsessed world. Having four daughters, I struggle daily with a sense of guilt, at not being as involved in their busy lives as we would all like, and not even having a definitive diagnosis to work with toward some improvement. I’ve spent the last fifteen years searching for answers that the medical community doesn’t have. I’ve encountered an amazing amount of ignorance, disinterest, and contempt. The widespread lack of compassion makes me fear for my children’s future.
Thank you so much for chiming in and sharing your thoughts. I hear you. That sense of guilt paired with a lack of awareness and compassion is a pandemic issue.
How do you manage without a definitive diagnoses? Is there anything we can do to help point you in the direction of another doctor?
How do you manage the fear for your children’s future?
Cate – I think you’re amazing. You advocate for yourself, you have a strong sense of yourself and you’re so aware of what’s going on. I think that level of awareness is being imparted onto your daughters. And, believe it or not, you are invoking change.
Katie
You mean it’s not just me?
UM;
Thanks for chiming in and sharing your thoughts. I’m so sorry you feel this way.
How do you deal with it? How do you manage it? How do you find your way back to a strong sense of self?
Any tips you feel like imparting are greatly appreciated.
Katie
I actually found myself a few weeks back searching the internet for ‘finding myself’ – like I was going to miraculously find a webpage, blog, or wiki that would somehow jump out and redefine me! I certainly feel on a daily basis that I have hit rock bottom of ‘chronic worthlessness’. I want to be a good wife that can work all day, come home and cook dinner, clean-up around the house, and spend quality time with my husband. In addition, I want to be that Mom that comes home and shoots hoops, rides bikes with her son, and doesn’t snap at the drop of a dime. I want to find myself again – that person who had hobbies and interests and cared about what happens in her life. I have fought this battle for my son’s entire life – 12-years now! For 10-years of it the medical community told me time and time again that my ‘issues were in my head” – “there is nothing wrong with you”. I am learning that my thyroid disease creates an environment mentally and physically of ‘chronic worthlessness’ – this I know with time and healing I can overcome. However I continue to be amazed at the environment of ‘chronic worthlessness’ that our medical community foster in their patients.
Mich, You make a great point, far too many members of the medical community foster worthlessness. Fighting for a great doctor takes unbelievable strength.
I am very sorry that you know this is not your fault. Sadly, thyroid disease impacts our minds and bodies quite intensely. Finding our way back to ourselves takes a lot of time, patience and support.
You do see the rainbow at the end of the tunnel. That takes a lot of courage. I’m sorry for everything you’ve lost.
You know, reading what you wrote, makes me realize that you’ve already started reinventing yourself. What do you think?
Thank you for chiming in.
Katie
great post Katie and thanks to all for opening up to this and sharing yourselves. We can all feel less alone when we read that others are experiencing similar emotions.
I always thought i was someone with high self esteem, I know I’m fairly smart, reasonably nice looking, I have nice friends, a husband who loves me, in my time I’ve had good jobs and I’ve done them well, delivered good results, had good feedback…. I’m ill now and I’ve had to give up the whole work thing, at least for now, but I recognise I’m fortunate not to be much worse.
I’m too ill to work but I’m well enough to be enjoying the time off and super fortunate my husband can support us both and is happy to do so. I’ve put on some weight with my hypothyroid but not a huge amount. I tell myself all the time things could be so much worse and I know I am lucky in many ways.
But it took a course of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for me to realise I am super hard on myself and set standards for myself that are sometimes unrealistically hard – and to recognise that by doing that I could be adding to my feelings of fatigue!! (not causing them, but not helping myself either).
Why do I do that? Well doh! of course it can only be an deep underlying sense of chronic worthlessness!!
And when I have these high standards for myself in my head and what I’m able to achieve is so compromised by my health, well it’s easy to get into a cycle of beating myself up. I was doing it so subtly I didn’t even realise I was doing it at all! People around me were aware of it though, when I said to my husband “my therapist says I’m hard on myself” he said “YES YOU ARE!!!” Well I’d been blind to it – how strange!!
So now I have a rule. I’m not allowed to criticise myself ever. And I try not to criticise others. Negative emotions against myself just causes a build up of bad feeling and bad feelings undoubtedly impact my physical wellbeing. It can be hard to be serene and sometimes I know I’ve got to let myself be sad, or ask for help. but what I won’t do, if I can avoid it, is give myself a hard time – I don’t deserve it and it doesn’t do me any good!
Thanks Katie for highlighting chronic worthlessness as an issue. When we’ve identified it, we can aim to do something about it. We can all choose to love and forgive ourselves for being ill. It’s just what’s happened to us, it’s not our fault. No-one is perfect.
And if we come across doctors or anyone else who thinks it’s okay to treat us as though we’re worthless, we can get the hell away from them and make a complaint if we have the energy. Because that’s not acceptable and we don’t need to put up with it. There are plenty of good doctors out there. I wouldn’t waste my energy fighting with an idiot, I’d just be determined to find someone I can feel is on my side. We need all the support we can get.