Chronic Snarkopolist: Worth the Risk
Hello my loves!
We have discussed this before – judging ourselves and measuring our successes by normal standards. And yet – I do it. We do it. Everyone does it. What happens when we risk reaching out and get rejected? I have never met a normal living being walking the planet who always feels good in their own skin. In fact, everyone I meet feels a little broken and requires love.
The more damage we have taken along the way, be it illness or other human foibles and mishaps, the more broken we feel and the more loving kindness we require. And guess what! Few people BELIEVE they are truly lovable. The most lovable people on the planet don’t believe it. Not until they are very old or very healed or have themselves very sorted.
It always makes me feel relieved when I realize this. Why? Because Me too me too! I can love people for being inherently beautiful, and then freak out into a thousand bifurcated pieces at loving acts of kindness. And yet- LOVE and sharing is what truly heals us.
Someone I love dearly is attempting, with the help of his shrink, to get off a heavy sedative. It requires him to have maddening self-control because well, he doesn’t have the medication calming him down any more. And quite frankly, he is a pill to be around when he isn’t being medicated. I told him the other day, “I love you unconditionally, I support you while you are going through this process. And if you need my report on how I think you are doing so you can tell your doctor, I will. I will be around you and love you and let you know.”
I saw his body release. I know that this is his experiment to see if several years of medicating can step down and be assisted with talk therapy. It is HARD to be loved. I realized that if he is to truly emotionally heal he needs to have friends available to support him in his healing process. Trust is hard. People are always willing to be around for the easy times (like when we’re zooted out of our minds on sedatives and ABLE to act pleasant.) People don’t stick around as often for the raw times. It is our choice to stick around or not. I have learned the TRUE VALUE of real friendship is to stick when I can. And right now I have the inner resources to stick around.
I know I have been truly maddening at times when I’ve felt cray cray. And I am grateful for those who have given me feedback. And I am humbled by the times when people have looked at me and said, “I love you,” often enough that I can start to hear it through the haze of everyday life.
Another dear friend told me about a time when her younger brother gave her a wedding gift when she was first married. It was a lot of money during that time in her life. Her little brother had worked very hard to hear it. She went to her mother and said, “I feel so guilty accepting this, he’s only twelve, he should be spending this money on himself.” Her mother said, “You take that money and say thank you. And buy yourself something you truly want. And then you show him what you got and how much you enjoy it and how much joy it brings you. Tell him how much it means to you that HE did this for you. Let him be proud.” It changed how she felt about gifts and accepting love from people. Her story helped me accept loving kindness from her as she stayed up from her night shift and sat with me at a coffee shop talking, and then drove me to the airport.
We need to let people be our heroes. We need to let people not only reach out to us, but reach our hearts with theirs. It is our fears of our own unlovableness that shuts others out and then renders us both temporarily unlovable. Guilt is a wasted emotion. So is the fear of rejection. People matter. We need love and sharing in all the ways we can muster to truly heal.
I was recently rejected. It stung. It stung deeply. But I breathed through it and thought, “we are both of us deeply beautifully humans. We are both worth each others love.” And then I kept moving. We are all broken and in our brokenness we are deeply beautifully amazingly gorgeous. We are worth loving. And we are worth each others time. It is time to be each others hero. It is time to risk love. It is time to risk affection. You are worth the risk. We are worth it.
What do you think my loves? Do you feel measured by difficult standards? Do you self measure? Do you measure by a voice of a parent or teacher or cultural standard that haunts you? Are you haunted by a slapped hand when you reached out and so you fear reaching out again? How do you shake it off? How have you shaken off the rejection from the past? What are your strategies for it for others? People are vulnerable, especially when they are sick – what courage and advice do you have? Please tell me! I must know!
I will see you same time next week! Kiss kiss!
Tags: all humans are damaged in some way, chronic illness learning the new normal, feeling broken, feeling unlovable, feeling worthless, hard to be loved, hard to say i love you, learning to be less judgmental, love and sharing can be healing, reaching out and getting rejected, the more broken we feel the more kindness we require