Did Thyroid Cancer Steal my Mojo?
(Lack of Mojo Lately….and wanting to talk to friends)
Since the last time I wrote (I can’t kick cancer’s ass alone), I went on and on about my first part of getting thyroid cancer. I said it wouldn’t be my last letter. Right now, I’m angry and a nervous wreck. Last month, I did my first Relay for Life event and first “Survivors Walk.” The Survivor’s Relay was difficult for me. I did not know anyone there. I don’t cry easily, so I didn’t know what to expect. I’m not saying I have never cried, I just cry at rare occasions. It’s just how I am.
I shed some tears during that Survivor’s Relay. I’ve been different ever since. I had a lot of uncomfortable emotions going on that day as well as happy emotions when I saw friends. Talking and hearing about Cancer is not easy. You kind of feel like “zoning it out.” That full day was exhausting, but in a good way. It was the people, the environment, and also this weird feeling you get when you are in an uncomfortable place. I was uncomfortable because I was alone. When my friends and some family came, I felt more comfortable. The only thing was the fact that I didn’t know if any family was going to come at all. My reaction when they arrived was UNCOMFORTABLE for many reasons that day, due to my experience with past and present “stuff”. I’ve had enough surprises!
I said, “I’ve been different ever since the Relay.” How am I different? It stirred up so many emotions that I have held in during my 2 year battle. I needed to be strong during that time. Now, I feel like I’m more worried, anxious, and nervous. I know I’m hyperthyroid right now, but I’m also angry. These feelings, I realize now, are due to the fact that I kept so much inside during those years.
The truth always reveals itself. How people treated you, which people were there for you, who was compassionate, and helped keep you going strong. I’m still struggling with these huge parts of my life. Why ARE they huge parts that are affecting my life? Maybe it’s because I am still healing emotionally, physically, financially (I’m still constantly searching for the perfect job) Sometimes I feel like I can’t handle it anymore! I’m running out of my mojo juice that I have had since the very first hospital visit over two years ago.
I know I am strong, but I feel so freaking tired of trying to organize what is important and what can wait. I still have to write a few things a day on a post it note and then I throw it away when I’ve called a utility company or medical agency about a bill or something. It’s the only way I know how to prioritize the paperwork, etc. I get so frustrated! My patience is very thin. I cannot wait on hold for 30 minutes or longer on the phone. I get mad. But, I cannot do everything in a day. One day at a time has to be my motto.
Tomorrow, I’m getting something checked out near my shoulder. I felt something deep, maybe a lymph node, so I’m extra nervous. It could be a muscle since I tend to pull muscles. I have had no evidence of disease since the end of this January, and something tells me to get it looked at. I have not had a thyroglobulin test done in awhile and I kind of want it even though insurance is still a null. I don’t want a biopsy. I think the Thyroglobulin blood test will see if anything is REALLY wrong. That’s it. I don’t want a biopsy, unless that test comes back questionable.
I have to remind myself: I’m not paranoid, I’m just a survivor.
-Written by Mich
Tags: Dear Thyroid Letters, thyroid cancer, thyroid cancer community, thyroid cancer forum, thyroid cancer patient feelings, thyroid cancer patient letters, thyroid cancer support, thyroid cancer treatment, Thyroidectomies