Thyroid, You Have Made Me Suffer and Stolen My Life
Oh Thyroid… Where were your shining numbers when I lost almost all my hair?
When I had so many bald spots that I had to wear a hat, and I hate hats. But you wouldn’t take it all, just enough to help me feel that much less human.
Where were your numbers when I gained all that weight no matter what I did? No amount or type of working out and or diets, no amount of sit ups, dancing, jumping, boxing why doesn’t the low cal, low carb, gluten free, dairy free, only juice, only water, work for you? What have I done to you to deserve not feeling beautiful, being able to life my head up and look people in the eye or having someone hold me? Rather than repulsed my my size?
Where were your numbers when when I had insomnia for all those years? So many years, my eyes still show tired, and even now on those bursts of sleep, so fleeting, so shallow, I am not rested. I don’t feel as if it was even worth it, but ahhhhh you force me to pass out don’t you, as a tease perhaps? not really to actually rest but just to see what its like?
Where were your numbers when all these years I have cried so many times, hiding from everyone I have ever known and feeling so ashamed to even be feeling so worthless and alone when nothing “explained” it? I’m tired of crying, I want so much to be happy again, I’m sure it was a reality of my smile at one time, was it not? was that a dream?
Where were your shining numbers when my body hurt so bad, they thought I had arthritis, along with other things. Where I could not even get out of bed and no amount of pain-meds kept you from hurting me. Why? I am not old and frail, yet you refuse to allow me movement unless it is painful and thought out while other people see me as just old, fat and old. Can they not see in my eyes my pain?
That’s right, less eye contact, I’m not worthy of others.
Where were your numbers all the times my words fumbled? When I couldn’t remember things right in front of me??? Ahhhh I see more joke, more just me being spacey. Well, I guess someone has to laugh, I just wish they would stop laughing at me.
I wish I could laugh again, I hear sometimes in my fleeting dreams my laughter. I would love to hear it again out loud.
Where have your numbers been while I have been slowly losing my strength? I need my strength. I have to do things to make me feel alive. I miss strength of bringing in groceries.
Lastly, where have your numbers been with all my mood swings? Do you have any idea how many people I have run from, who have run from me, when I cant explain and I so desperately want to when I’m so crazy but I’m not and yet… perhaps in the end I am? Do you have any idea how lonely I am now? How many people don’t understand this and so they just run, or use me as a joke for medication? Do you have any idea how deeply that hurts? How when I lash out in defence but no one sees that inside I’m screaming to please understand and stay because I need them? Do you have any idea how much that makes me not want to trust anyone or let them close? How can that ever be recovered?
After all these years of doctors pointing fingers at you, but you not showing your shiny numbers you decided to make an appearance.
At last we meet. I would like to punch you in the face. I would like to cause you all the pain you have caused me. But I cant do either of those things, and that is that much more frustrating.
How much more? How much longer until I feel… Human.
I don’t appreciate the false hope you offer by taking a tiny pill every day for the rest of my life that things will get better.
I don’t know how much fight I have left in me. If any, you have literally taken all my strength and drained my emotions,pushed away family and friends so It is just you and I. And you have been kicking my ass for years.
I was hoping that this doctor I was sent to, you know the specialist who had worked with thyroid issues for over 23 years would see you for the ugly life taking thing you are, but alas, I don’t even know if he saw you. His thought, he tells me, is I need to lose weight, better yet, lose my job, go on medicaid and get a gastric bypass as weight is my only issue?
As much as I hate my weight and the loss of who I once was due to it, I so wish it was my only issue.
So even with your shiny numbers you stay hidden. Oh thyroid, can you ever let me live again?
–Written by, Jenny
Tags: Dear Thyroid Letters, lives irrevocably changed by thyroid disease, suffering from thyroid disease, thyroid blog, thyroid depression, thyroid disease's impact on patient's lives, thyroid disease's impact on self-esteem, thyroid forum, thyroid frustration, thyroid hair loss, thyroid letters written by patients, thyroid support, thyroid weight gain