Da-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Bat Thyroid
In 2009, I had an MRI of my cervical spine to investigate a mild case of a wonderful little autoimmune disease called ankylosing spondylitis. Turns out, my spine was fine, but the radiologist caught you red-handed, sneaking around with that dirty nodule. Without the MRI I would have never known you were hiding something to biopsy, but then there I was a few weeks later with a needle in my neck and a doctor who said “More than 94% of nodules are benign”. Of course, you being you, the pathology report came back with the news: papillary thyroid cancer.
Soon after, there was a surgery I have no memory of, and you were in a bag on the way to the biohazard incinerator. While your remains were mingling with the other atmospheric particulates, I was separated from my son and pregnant wife, monitoring my radioactive emissivity with a Geiger counter I borrowed from my day job as a geologist.
I can’t say I miss you because my wife made a replacement to keep me
company: a softer, tumor-free fellow. He’s certainly more companionable than you and your inflamed, metastasizing lump of gloom. In your petulant scheming, you failed to realize that for years our family business has been replacing wayward organs such as yourself with plush alternatives. Turns out, there are plenty of thyroids in the sea: one’s on my desk right now, this time smiling, and not diabolically.
As for my lovely cancer, my scans have all come out great, and I’ll likely join the swelling ranks of survivors, which is more than I can say for you.
BIO: I’m 37 and live in Maryland. Ironically, in 2005 my wife and I founded a company called I Heart Guts, a line of silly internal organ plush toys. Until my diagnosis, we didn’t have a thyroid plush, but now it’s a no-brainer. http://iheartguts.com/
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