Chronic Snarkopolist: The Whole Story -Fearing Love
Hello my loves!
I was inspired by the always beautiful Joanna Isbill’s Sharing September. And her dedication to sharing her story. I have encouraged others time and again that “sharing our stories heals us all.”
Yet recently I found myself feeling ashamed of my story. I have wanted to hide my story- my TRUTH, the realness of my ME. When I go out into the world, I do not want people to KNOW who I am. The TRUTH of my life is that I carry illness as an INVISIBLE variable of my life. And another TRUTH is that I carry fear of rejection, love, and fear of how other people will react to me. We all do. Life is inherently risky.
If I am able to be active that day, I do NOT WANT people to know that I have ever been ill, EVER. I do not want them to know my story. I do not want them to know what you know about me. NOTHING. None of the pain, none of the surgeries, none of the backstory- NOT EVEN THE TRIUMPHS. I just want them to see me as a “normal typical healthy person”… I may be a little more roundy because of the medication – but I LOOK normal. If I mess up, I want to do so spectacularly but the vulnerability lately is notable.
It dawned on me the other day that I cannot unring a bell. I cannot UNDO my story anymore than I can unlive my history. I can walk THROUGH IT. I can heal my emotional scars just as I can heal my physical life. But I cannot unlive. And so my STORY is what it is. I can not UNTELL IT either. It has been told to you. People know me. We heal each other with our shared stories.
So when I walk into the world and don’t tell people – that is my choice. But my FEAR of them ever finding out about me… the fact that I want to get a new e-mail address so they will never FIND my blog or that I have been ill… THAT is still part of the story isn’t it? Fear of people KNOWING me and rejecting me on the back end is my story. That is pretty significant isn’t it? That fact that I needed to rest today after a busy week is my story.
That some days are great and some days are not so great- that is MY STORY.
While I’m still finding how to tell people or even if they need to be told if they are on the periphery is unique to me – but significant to all chronically ill people. It matters.
Sometimes I do not wish to friend people on social media sites because they will see older pictures of me and in seeing them will see how my weight has fluctuated according to treatment. Or they will read my emotional writing. THEY WILL KNOW my story. They will know it out of context.
I told one person the other day, “I want to love people, but I terrified of being loved in return just as I am terrified that I will not be.” And perhaps that is the bigger issue. What happens if people accept me and do not run away? I am not giving them the chance because I am so sure they WILL turn and run. I am feeling vulnerable in a new way.
And moreover, I sat around a very healing dinner with friends the night and realized that all of them got me through a difficult time and all of them KNEW my story and stuck it through. None of them left me. All of them kept me in their lives. ALL OF THEM. What happens when I’m worth loving? What does the Melissa who is WORTH LOVING do? How does she act? Then what will I do? Sometimes I think my fear of my story being known is less about me being rejected and more about me accepting my story and accepting my life and that it hasn’t been what I wanted it to be. And allowing other people to accept me as I am. I seek reciprocity. I accept others. I love others. What happens when I ALLOW it in my life?
I must come to grips with fact that I am afraid of love – not just romantic love – but truly being accepted. And it is time for me to get over it. And it is time for me to heal. Sometimes I will be rejected. And sometimes I will be afraid. And sometimes I will be loved. And I never know when this will happen. And the unknown is my deepest fear. And fear is something to be smiled at as we walk through it triumphantly and heal, is it not? We are some brave people. Fear is everywhere. But it doesn’t rule us. I am afraid because I am beautifully human.
What about you? Do you fear your own vulnerabilities and love too? Have you found yourself hiding your story? Do you sometimes look back over the decades and resent what you have seen? Does your story make you angry even though it wasn’t your fault? Instead of being loving about it do you worry that people will reject you? Does being loved for your story make you more afraid? Am I the only one who is healing from the fear of love? Please tell me! I must know!
I will see you same time next week! Kiss kiss!