The Intersection of Disease and Good Health, And Rebirth
I have reached in intersection, a crossroads? I think it’s an intersection, really. It’s that moment when the worst aspects of my disease are behind me and good health and rebirth are upon me. I see glimpses of my old self emerging quickly. I celebrate these moments, especially considering I thought they were gone forever. So, there’s that.
Still. I feel like a stranger in my own life, as if an impostor is working in tandem with the old me and the new me. There is no convergence, no marriage of identity yet. I am uncomfortable being me. Inner conflict, I have learned, brings nervous energy, over-talking, compensating for my lack of, well, everything, I guess. My former articulate, succinct thoughts have been usurped by nonsensical words vomiting from my mouth, and I hate it.
Do you ever feel like that?
Circling back to this intersection… I am so fucking angry, I could scream. I can’t discuss my absence for 4-5 years. I don’t want to. What happened is private. We discuss it here, on Facebook and Twitter, but in our real lives, we, me hide the disease that destroyed my mind and body, and stole precious time. I want that time back and I can’t get it back. I can’t explain what happened. Or why I’m such a freak of nature. Am I cloaked in shame for a disease I never asked for? I don’t think so. I don’t want my history with Graves’ disease to define me, I WANT TO DEFINE ME.
Who I was and who I am, they’re not syncing up. Shit, one of my oldest friends asked me the other day if the doctors ever figured out what was wrong with me. I grimaced and smirked in that “does it really fucking matter” kind of way. If you didn’t get it then, why would you get it now?! I lost another old and dear friend recently for so many reasons. I’m not blaming him or anyone, I’m just trying to figure it all out, who I am and how I fit.
Disease is truly vile. As I’ve said before, there is no upside to it whatsoever. At least, in my opinion. I just hope that I find my way. I hope that all of us find out way back to ourselves.
Tags: disease redefining ourselves, finding our way to a new place, in good health after bad health, learning how to cope with the aftermath of disease, losing everything, losing friends, losing time, Reinventing ourselves