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The Intersection of Disease and Good Health, And Rebirth
I have reached in intersection, a crossroads? I think it’s an intersection, really. It’s that moment when the worst aspects of my disease are behind me and good health and rebirth are upon me. I see glimpses of my old self emerging quickly. I celebrate these moments, especially considering I thought they were gone forever. So, there’s that.
Still. I feel like a stranger in my own life, as if an impostor is working in tandem with the old me and the new me. There is no convergence, no marriage of identity yet. I am uncomfortable being me. Inner conflict, I have learned, brings nervous energy, over-talking, compensating for my lack of, well, everything, I guess. My former articulate, succinct thoughts have been usurped by nonsensical words vomiting from my mouth, and I hate it.
Do you ever feel like that?
Circling back to this intersection… I am so fucking angry, I could scream. I can’t discuss my absence for 4-5 years. I don’t want to. What happened is private. We discuss it here, on Facebook and Twitter, but in our real lives, we, me hide the disease that destroyed my mind and body, and stole precious time. I want that time back and I can’t get it back. I can’t explain what happened. Or why I’m such a freak of nature. Am I cloaked in shame for a disease I never asked for? I don’t think so. I don’t want my history with Graves’ disease to define me, I WANT TO DEFINE ME.
Who I was and who I am, they’re not syncing up. Shit, one of my oldest friends asked me the other day if the doctors ever figured out what was wrong with me. I grimaced and smirked in that “does it really fucking matter” kind of way. If you didn’t get it then, why would you get it now?! I lost another old and dear friend recently for so many reasons. I’m not blaming him or anyone, I’m just trying to figure it all out, who I am and how I fit.
Disease is truly vile. As I’ve said before, there is no upside to it whatsoever. At least, in my opinion. I just hope that I find my way. I hope that all of us find out way back to ourselves.
….
Tags: disease redefining ourselves, finding our way to a new place, in good health after bad health, learning how to cope with the aftermath of disease, losing everything, losing friends, losing time, Reinventing ourselves
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5 Responses to “The Intersection of Disease and Good Health, And Rebirth”
Leave a Reply to Lolly
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Hi there I wondered who wrote this piece, it’s spot on with how you feel ‘you’ – but not you – with this disease. I just feel I’m getting back to being ‘me’ and then something else knocks me off balance again, whether it’s a bout of fatigue, or just feeling low not myself anymore that”s for sure. So glad I’m not alone and that other do understand.
Hi Jeannie,
You are definitely not alone. How are you coping? How are you finding your way with this new place? I know what you mean about things coming up and forcing you back into that place. I wish I had answers, but it seems I have more questions right now.
I’m glad we’re talking about it. Maybe that will help?
Katie
Exactly how i feel, lost precious time in my life having to reinvent this person I don’t even know. One who can’t recall recent converstions, or where she left something. My grave has been robbed and the new me isn’t me I want ME back..but i know I will never get it, so here I am this Is ME and this is what you get love me or Hate me but don’t try say you will ever understand me because even I don’t,
How can I expect anyone else too, that is what graves Disease has done to me.
I say fuck it, it may have robbed me of precious years but it certainly isn’t going to rule my life anymore, peopel who don’t understand, that is there problem and not mine if they took time to listen and remember the real me they would understand..Fuck them too.
Lolly
I LOVE YOU LOLLY JOLLY.
I love you too Miss Katie and your honesty you tell it like it is.
And that is why we are so much alike, it takes a Gravien thyrella to know a Gravien with the rages and everything else it brings.. We will re-invent ourselves, we are the dames of this world. Those Broads too. We will meet people who never knew what we were like bofore and except us for how we are now..full of lady balls. xoxox