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I Am Broken, Can’t You Tell?!

Post Published: 23 May 2011
Author:
Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 17 responses. Leave a comment

I am a young mother.

Older women have told me, “Wow, what I would give to be 30 again! So much energy!”

I think to myself, “Seriously! It gets worse than this?!?! How does it get worse than this?!?!”

My husband is constantly judging me. “So… What did you DO today?”

Well, I struggled to stay awake. I fought to get through the book I was reading to my son without falling asleep. It was all I could do to get through the day without my 2 1/2 hour nap today. I mustered up all the energy I had to do 3 loads of laundry… Yes, dear, they are all still in baskets in the laundry room… But it’s clean… Does that count? I’m serious… Doesn’t that count?

Dinner… Right, now it’s time for dinner and I have no ingredients for the dinner in mind… What can I invent out of the ingredients in the cupboard?

I was never a lazy person.  I was an over achiever. I would always go above and beyond. Now I can’t even get off the ground.

Because of my disease, I feel like a constant failure. I never reach the bar I have set for myself… Let alone the bar my family has set.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t get past the fact that I don’t feel like I am  the woman I was meant to be. I feel broken. And my doctor doesn’t even care because my lab LOOKS normal. How is hashimotos normal?

I just can’t accept that this is my normal.

–Written by “B”

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17 Responses to “I Am Broken, Can’t You Tell?!”

  1. Joyce Ann says:

    *hug* I am so sorry you’re dealing with this miss…I also deal with Hashimoto’s and it’s so incredibly frustrating what this condition steals from you…

    I have had some issues with my hubby/family/friends not understanding all of what it does to me – so I’ve had to point them in the direction of information to read, other people’s writings about the disease, and to be vigilant in speaking up when I am doing the best I can do, even if it’s not what I used to be able to do.

    You’re not alone miss – we are here to help support you and rally behind you whenever you need it.

    Maybe it’s time to see a new doc if this one is only going by your labs…that’s only part of the picture.

    Again, *hugs* to you….

    Joyce Ann

  2. Laura says:

    We’re all broken. But we keep moving forward.

    Please fire your doctor. I know it sounds like so much work, but it will be worth it because once you find a doctor that will listen, you WILL feel better. Know that 6 months from now, you WILL feel better.

    It gets better. But it starts with finding a doctor that listens.

  3. ubermilf says:

    A lot of us are right there with you. For those of us with perfectionism AND Hashimoto’s, life can be a crushing blend of shame and helplessness. Add in a husband who is a member of the “SHOULD” crew, and it compounds the problem.

    Does he understand what you’re struggling with? Would he expect you to have everything perfect if you had a broken arm or leg? Why is YOUR health issue any less?

  4. Melanie says:

    Laura is right fire your doctor. I have fired many doctors and one a respected I wrote a letter to him. It was the best thing I could of done for myself.

    I have finally found a doctor that is working with me to help me with my Hashimoto’s even though all my levels are normal(alternative solutions like vitimans, etc.)

    We all know how hard it is and we are all here to support you.

  5. justpip says:

    I don’t know if this is of help but I always go on how I FEEL not how (supposedly) normal my blood tests are.

    I’m not sure what the ‘normal’ TSH range is in the States but an endocrinologist I saw here in the Netherlands wrote to my doctor advising him that my TSH level should remain around 1.00 for me to feel optimum.

    This is backed up by evidence in the British Medical Journal which found that people with a normal functioning thyroid had a TSH level of around 1.00 (so why some doctors think 3.5 is acceptable I don’t know).

    I know it’s not just about the TSH level and it’s all very complicated. But it’s a start. It might help you to change doctors to one who goes on how you FEEL.

    It sounds to me like you may not be on enough (or too much) medication (although it’s usually the former). I was like that until I reached 225mcg per day where I’m now ‘stabilised’. I can’t remember the last time I needed to take an afternoon nap.

    Anyways, whatever the solution, first step is to ditch the doctor. Hope you feel better soon.

  6. B says:

    Some of my labs taken 04/25/11:
    TSH: .01 (.35-4)
    T4 Free: .98 (.81-1.54)
    T3: 63 (58-159)
    AntiTPO: 163 (<35)

    My Meds:
    Levothroid 150mcg (Generic Levothyroxine)
    Liothyronine 25mcg 2xs daily (generic Cytomel)
    Bupropion 150mg 2xs daily (Suposedly suppose to increase energy & aid weight loss)
    Nabumetone 750mg 2xs daily (For my extreme joint pain)

    Insurance: Kaiser :P

  7. Cate Schultz says:

    Hi “B,”

    “I would always go above and beyond.” This is a mother’s anthem.

    After 15 years of looking for a “good doctor,” or successful treatment in a fat-phobic, misogynistic, medical $ystem, I’ve decided to figure this out by myself. I’ve raised four wonderful daughters, being exhausted, judged, and in constant pain. I’ll keep looking for answers, and believing in my innate power to heal, so that maybe someday they won’t have to endure this struggle.

    I hope you find your way.

    Cate

  8. Katie says:

    AUTOIMMUNE!!
    Educate the doctor’s….Hashimoto’s is no different than MS or Lupus, but it attacks the thyroid (thyroid-regulates your metabolism which in turn regulates your heart, your lungs, your pancreas, your liver, your digestion, your brain, your muscles, your bones, etc)
    No wonder we feel like SH*T!!
    Explain to your husband that this is autoimmune just like MS….when I did this mine began to understand a little…maybe yours will too. And find a new doctor who focuses on the autoimmune attack and not the thyroid function. I used to be hyper and hypo all in the same day, and they still said I was within normal range. Learn your body, reduce your carbs (so your metabolism does not have to work so hard), exercise lightly, and reduce your stress…just trying to figure out this disease will increase your stress….so, light massages go a long way in getting the knots out of your muscles.
    Best wishes…I have been in your shoes (16 years, 10 undiagnosed, so I had to figure alot of this stuff out on my own…there is alot of experience on this site…so use us. -Katie

  9. Melissa Travis says:

    Thank you for writing such a profound letter and sharing this experience with us. Many of us understand it and live with auto-immunities!!

    The beauty of your life is that you are willing to share your story and heal others during your process.

    So so so much love along your journey!
    xo
    Melissa

  10. Patricia Saphier says:

    I feel your pain. I too have Hashi’s disease. Even though I do not have a husband or kids, I used to have a high powered career (HA!) and now I’m struggling to make ends meet working 7 days a week at awful jobs. I come home – dinner is not even on the radar because my bed is beckoning. I sleep as much as possible and still feel like hell. BUT I have a doctor who listens to me – works with me. I’m going to try a gluten free diet next to see if it helps – there are solutions…but not everything works for every body. Do fire your doctor – find one who will listen and work with you to try to find a solution. And keep talking to us…it helps. xoxo

  11. Casie says:

    I would totally fire that doctor — God knows I’ve fired handfuls of doctors in my own history. Ive fought friends, family (some who even have their own thyroid issues mind you!), ex-boyfriends. Who were…ya know, were supposed to be the loving & supportive kind and always were until the proverbial thyroid shit hitteth the fan…hence, they are now no more. Better to learn it now…besides, Marilyn Monroe said it best, I think…If you cant handle me at my worst? You certainly don’t deserve me at my best.

    It absolutely boggles me when one thyroid patient all but says something of the sort to another thyroid patient, “Thank god for your youth!” Ya know…not for nothing, but feeling like your 98 at ANY age (other than…ya know, 98!) is really crummy. There’s no other way to look at that.

    Take each day as they come, B…and know that you are gorgeous — even thought some days, they sure dont FEEL like gorgeous days, they are. We just have to work harder than most to see that all. Much love to you ♥

  12. Denise says:

    B – firstly *hugs* and thanks for sharing I too have hashis and I agree with Laura – fire that doctor and find one who will work with you until you feel better and not on the basis of lab results. Mary Shomon – can’t find the link at the moment with this stupid thyroid brain of mine had an article about recent research that shows quality of life is still affected even if the lab results are normal if you have hashimotos. I am lucky enough to have a doctor who doesn’t work on the labs but on how I feel and look. I have had 8 months of getting steadily better but am in middle of a hyper period unfortunately but he is adjusting things and asking me how I feel – thats what counts someone caring enough to ask how you feel. Sorry your husband is not up to speed get him reading all Mary’s articles on about.com and perhaps he will get better. It does eventually get better when you get the correct treatment for you – dont give up and we are all here to rant at. Love Dx

  13. Julie says:

    Is that correct where ou say your TSH is .01? When I was that low,
    I felt just like I did when my TSH was super high. I was exhausted and
    Felt horrible. Perhaps you are over-medicated??

  14. justpip says:

    Hi ‘B’ I agree with Julie. I only just saw that you’d posted your results here. I assumed wrongly you had hypothyroidism. With your TSH being 0.1, you are hyperthyroid. Appears you may need to have less meds (namely Levothroid). When I’ve become hyperthryoid (and I can literally feel I am if I dip from around 1.00 to 0.5 (it’s that sensitive for me), all my symptoms of exhaustion/lethargy come back. Best of luck. First start with a new doctor if possible.

  15. I’m with the consensus on this one; please do find another doctor. I know its not easy to do when feeling that way but please believe us when we say, another doctor who works with you on how you look, feel and labs makes a tremendous difference in the quality of your daily life. Sending you strength to see it through! X

  16. C says:

    Dear B. Thank you for sharing your story. I really feel for you, I too have Hashimotos and an 18 month old son to look after, it’s tough. My lab results are all within normal range so the consultant is unwilling to try anything different with my medication (I take Levothyroxine). The illness has had a profound effect on our lives. On a good day I can manage light household chores, but I also have days where I’m too ill to get out of bed. I’ve got a fantastic family who come every day to help out. I feel useless as a Mum and frustrated about how much we are missing out on as a family. I’m coping by taking one day at a time and trying to stay optimistic. I hope that one day my immune system will give up the fight against my thyroid. I WILL get better. Hang on in there, it sounds like you are doing great.

  17. Janet says:

    I am DISGUSTED with 99% of the doctors I come across. I’m disgusted with most people I come across. No ONE understands. I’ve also been an overachiever. I also feel like I am a failure b/c I drop on the couch exhausted, gasping for breath, stopping in the middle of the stairs to hold my chest that hurts so bad, hiding my patches of skin that looks like sandpaper, putting on sunglasses and hats inside the house b/c the sun glare is too much to handle even indoors… and that’s just some of the stuff. Then you go to a doctor and they think you’re being lazy or overdramatic. They do blood work, half the time the diagnosis is under their noses but they tell you you’re ok. Years it took for one to notice my thyroid was going nuts. Now the results show RA but since they’re not specialists and I lost my insurance, they can’t do anything. So what’s the point of poking my arm? I just want to crawl in a corner and die!!!

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