DEAR THYROID^TM

Lately, I’ve been thinking and wondering, “Will I EVER be cancer-free?” I haven’t had a clean scan (yet), but my doctor is optimistic, not that optimism is the cure for cancer. I really am thinking beyond the physical aspect, though. I can fathom being physically free of cancer, but I cannot even begin to imagine how my mind, personality, and thoughts can be cancer-free.

This past weekend I experienced big chunks of time where I didn’t think about cancer. Not even a little bit. I felt as though this was a major accomplishment, like I was really figuring out how to live with cancer without cancer dominating my life. But then one night I had a cancer-filled dream, a dream where my body was showered with cancer and major surgery was inevitable. Yes, it was a dream (not a good one, mind you), but even after I woke up, I couldn’t stop thinking about cancer. It moved back to the forefront of my thoughts.

As with all experiences, our experiences with chronic illnesses and cancers are a part of who we are and who we have become. They have molded us and shaped us. No, we don’t always welcome these changes, but the fact is they are PART of us. Because of these changes, I think cancer will always be a part of me. Of course I hope that my body will be rid of cancer physically. That’s what I’m working towards; I want a clean scan so very much, and when that day comes, believe me, there will be a party. But I’m starting to accept that even if I am physically without cancer, my life will never be fully cancer-free. I just don’t know that it’s possible because of all that I’ve experienced as a result of cancer. All that I’ve gone through—the surgeries, the interactions with medical professionals, the interactions with health insurance providers, the PEOPLE, and oh so much more—all of this has molded me into who I am right now. I’ve had SO MANY positive experiences that I never would have had if I didn’t have cancer. Of course, these have been accompanied by terrifying, seemingly unendurable experiences. I’d give back the hard, painful stuff in a heartbeat if I could, but I only if I could hold on to the good that I’ve gained.  I know that’s not possible, but a girl can dream, right?

I’m coming to understand that, for now, the good and the bad have to live alongside each other.

Has cancer or chronic illness brought any positive changes into your life? Do you think cancer and chronic illness will ALWAYS be a part of who you are? How do you allow the hard stuff to exist alongside the good? I want to hear from you!!

xoxo,

Joanna

Tags: bad things that come from cancer, good things that come from cancer, Life Redefined, living alongside the good and the bad, living with cancer, never really cancer-free, survivorship, thyroid cancer, Thyroid Cancer Survivor, Written by Joanna Isbill

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