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The Rules Are Unwritten, The Path Is Untraveled
(Written by, Loaf: Wonderful bloke with hyperthyroidism)
Dear Thyroid,
I don’t often address you directly, but I seem to spend a lot of time clearing up after you, or coping with your collapse, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to say “hello and that I love you”.
In many ways, you and I are both being pushed round…me by you, and you by whatever is behind you… and its certainly no more your fault than mine. I still don’t know why you packed in, you never told me, or if you did I am sorry to say I wasn’t listening… I just assumed you were okay, took you for granted until one day, after several years of misdiagnoses (Chronic Fatigue syndrome/depression etc.), Dr. Birch discovered that other glands were over-functioning as if to compensate for you…then looked back over my notes and discovered that nobody had checked on you.
Seems such a sad omission given my symptoms over three years.
I was failing fast. I remember losing sight of the future, or the past, and when I was eventually put on thyroxine, I started noticing colours again, but it wasn’t really a joyous reunion. There is more bliss in living in the present, within a moment, tasting every sip of tea and rolling with a gradual decline than there is in looking around and realizing what you have missed, and what you must now face. With energy came layers of decisions which had been spared me. Thyroxine isn’t apparently a solution…but at least it helps me function, and I now have an entire pharmaceutical division working to make tablets for me to remember to take doing consciously what you did for me instinctively. But its not the same. I miss you.
Stress and responsibility affect me more now than they used to; I have lost confidence and stamina. But what you have taught me is that I need to listen, and most graciously and humbly follow my instincts, they are good ones. From this perspective comes a new approach to life. The rule book has been shredded. I stand in the face of a clear and wonderful sky, with no scripture, and I listen and smile and embrace life itself.
So, my poor tatty thyroid, I give you a hug and forgive you for having taken over so much of my life… but you always were in charge really…its just that now I must follow. I have been forced to embrace and respect your influence, and I am sorry for having neglected to introduce myself for so long. I am Loaf, your human organism, and we dance together, you and I. Since you cannot dance unaided, I shall carry you on my shoulders, and we shall look over the far horizons together, and the beat that you missed in the song of my life…it goes on.
Loaf
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17 Responses to “The Rules Are Unwritten, The Path Is Untraveled”
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Loaf – this is a beautifully written letter. The paragraph about Stress and Responsibility really hit home with me. I am constantly struggling with my confidence and stamina. The stamina is getting better the confidence not so much. The words you wrote speak volumnes. Thanks so much for sharing – I can sense your calmness in yoru letter. I wish you good health!
Loaf,
I really liked your letter. When you go for years with misdiagnoses of depression it is hard to get away from that feeling. You sound so calm and collected about how you handle the truth that is was actually your thyroid. It is helps me to know that you can smile and embrase life. Thanks for giving me hope that someday I can do the same.
That was transcendent.
your letter saddened me and made me joyful…it was so powerful in an understated elegance. I almost cried—almost poetic, your words. Loved it, Loaf
Bee,
you are totally right – Poetic!
HypoG; the stress/stamina and confidence resonated hard for me, too. I’m still building my stamina and confidence is more like a punch line. har.
Linda – Such a great point. Most of us were misdiagnosed and/or written scrips for anti-depressants. If only doctors checked our thyroids and, or realized that depression is a big psychiatric disturbance for hypo/hyper patients, among others; imagine how quickly we might get better treatment.
Great show of support for Loaf. His calmness is very life affirming.
Oooh, Cate – Transcendent. YES. YES. YES.
Loaf,
I could just eat you up. Sorry, couldn’t resist:)
Your letter moved me beyond words. It’s as though your words were written for me!
Thanks for sharing.
☮ ♥
Bee – Beautifully said. I’m with Hypogirl on your comment, very poetic.
Loaf – Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us!
xo
Loaf, what beautiful words. You paint a vivid picture of what it’s like to live with a chronic disease.
“Since you cannot dance unaided, I shall carry you on my shoulders, and we shall look over the far horizons together, and the beat that you missed in the song of my life;it goes on.”
What a beautiful reminder you’ve given us. A reminder that we have to get out of bed and keep living. I know I needed to be reminded, so thank you.
xo,
Joanna
Thanks everyone for your kind words.
As I try to grow and develop in understanding, my weaknesses and failings become my most feared teachers. I never thank them at the time though!! Even my resentment and my disappointment in myself when I repeatedly back away from stressful situations is.. I sometimes fear… rendering me selfish and fickle by this repeated manoever. Yet I even must forgive myself this unforgivable sin. The danger is of over over-indulgence, of my shying way from challenges, but the truth is there are many times when I just cannot cope, and thats ok. Unless we can embrace ourselves, as we are.. and still strive to be the best that we can, we won’t really have learned anything at all.
Love to you all.
Loaf
x
Loaf:
You said it all and so beautifully, I am almost speechless and most certainly moved to tears…
This, this remark struck a chord within me and resonates in my heart at the moment…
“There is more bliss in living in the present, within a moment, tasting every sip of tea and rolling with a gradual decline than there is in looking around and realizing what you have missed, and what you must now face.”
…. looking around and realizing what you have missed ….. good lord how that hurts, daily sometimes, when I look into the faces of my children…. i missed too much.
Thank you, Loaf!
You wrote a very beautiful letter! I feel like you know me, I see myself in so much of it but you are a bit ahead of me in this journey, with your words: “The rule book has been shredded. I stand in the face of a clear and wonderful sky, with no scripture, and I listen and smile and embrace life itself.” This is what I’m reaching for, to feel this free from this disease. I will not forget these words and they will remind me what’s on the other side when I get past the wake of its horrid symptoms and gain back my self worth, all of it!
Welcome Loaf,
Your letter, so beautiful written. I enjoyed and embraced every single word of it and what stood out for me where these lines.
“So, my poor tatty thyroid, I give you a hug and forgive you for having taken over so much of my life; but you always were in charge really;its just that now I must follow. I have been forced to embrace and respect your influence, and I am sorry for having neglected to introduce myself for so long.”
If only our thyroids could answer back I wonder what they would be saying to us.they know us well.
Lollyx
Thank you for putting into words the way I have felt.