I’m Sorry And I Miss You
I feel bad, like it’s all my fault, you know, that you had to leave. Back when I was in Jr. High and High School I virtually pushed you over the edge with all that dieting, bingeing and purging. I wished that I could eat all that I wanted and still loose weight. I know now what I didn’t know then, that I was growing into a woman and that curves are normal, even if they are accompanied by all those pesky and uncomfortable sexual feelings.
I know you tried to warn me that you were enlarged, begging me to take better care of us, but I didn’t know you even existed then and no one who did took you seriously. I know that by the time I was pregnant at 23 you were only doing what you figured I would want, enabling me to eat as much as I wanted and still lose weight. That was the first time in my life when gaining weight was welcome. Honestly, it was liberating. I needed that, a time in my life when the pressure to lose weight was off. By the time I had nursed my first daughter for one month, I weighed less than I had in years, and I felt beautiful. I was able to eat and eat healthy foods and continue to lose weight. You know I would have kept things like that indefinitely, your doing all the work.
So, I can hardly blame you for swelling up, bleeding. I put you through three more pregnancies and plenty of drugs and alcohol, still with nary a thought… until it was too late. I thought a goiter was an old lady disease and I was scared when my midwife told me you were sick. I’d never even been to a doctor for a physical, even in the year I had insurance through my work and there were all those ten day fasts; I simply did not know.
And then, as soon as we met, you had to leave. You gave me quite a scare. You were so big and there were the fears we had cancer. They said I could nuke you, and I thought that was no way to live a life, and decided to have you extracted. There is a small bit of you still here, a withered portion damaged by our raging bits. Sometimes I like to think that it’s just enough that you might miraculously grow back, but every year I discover no such thing has occurred and I take that pill every. morning. for. the. rest. of. my. life.
Sometimes I fear that some sort of natural disaster will have me scouring pastures for some innocent animal whose thyroid I must eat to survive, and I am humbled by my acquiescence a consumeristic society that makes a CVS or Walgreens at every corner a comforting sight. I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for all those years I took you for granted. I know that with our family history we were bound to part eventually, but more love on my part may have postponed our premature parting. I can say simply didn’t know, but wonder if that would have been enough anyway. I miss you.
Tags: Dear Thyroid Letters, Dear Thyroid Letters written by patients, thyroid epistolary series, thyroid literary series, Thyroid Love Letters, thyroid patient symptoms, thyroid pregnancy issues, thyroid weight issues, thyroidectomy, weight gain, weight loss