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Marco Thylo: Thyperimenirific Entries

Post Published: 08 October 2009
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Category: Humor Columns, Marco Thylo
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marco thylo, dear thyroid, signs, sealed, delivered or fate, column by katie schwartz, comedy writer

Mary Shomon will be voting for her favorite Thygraphs. Winners will receive a copy of Mary’s new book, The,  Menopause Thyroid Solution,  and will,  be announced in next week’s Marco Thylo! ,  Thank you to everyone for your fantastic submissions, each is a treasure, funny, clever as hell, irreverent, erotic, endearing and flawless, just like each of you.

PERIMENOPAUSE SUBMISSIONS

My life: no sex-drive, moody as a rabid bitch, inability to sleep…pure insanity. Is my insanity caused by perimenopause, or Synthroid? Who cares, I’m still insane!

Paula “Cowpunkmom” Spurr

Dear Thyroid and Hormones,

I just want to thank you for ruining such an important day for me.  ,   I never know who first starts the game of “tag-you’re-it” but it really doesn’t matter now, does it?,  ,   Is it you, my precious little thyfly?,   Or is it you, this fun little roller coaster ride called perimenopause?,  

On Saturday, Sept. 26th, I was the treasurer for our very first St. Baldrick’s Children’s Cancer Research fundraiser.   I was so excited.   My friend’s little girl, Shayla, is fighting for her life;.she is four years old and has neuroblastoma.   I volunteered to help organize this event in honor of Shayla.

So— I get up, I shower, do the makeup, the hair, dress nice;..knowing that the local TV station and newspaper will be there.   Also, I will be on-stage and announcing our ‘shavees’ to the audience.  ,   I have to be there all day, looking presentable and greeting our guests.

Now, you both know how bad I feel about my appearance.   You are both aware that I am still shocked at photos of myself;.I just can’t believe that the person in that photograph is ME.   My self esteem is all ready at sewer level.   The 60lbs. that I’ve gained over the last 3 years is hell-on-earth enough.  

So, off I go;.feeling actually a tad bit pretty.  

I got to our venue, started setting up and immediately y’all attacked!!,   I don’t know who first got overheated, but wow, seriously??,   Did you have to do that??,   I started dripping;.sweating from every pore of my body.   Make up???,   Mineral foundation??,  ,   Blush??,   Forget about it!!! ,  That slid off my face in the first 20 minutes of my arrival.  

My curly hair started dripping sweat onto my shoulders;.rivulets were running down between my breasts AND down my back.   People want to HUG me??,   Oh no!,  ,   You sent me running to a bathroom.   I grabbed,   paper towels, tried to wipe down with paper towels that I had run under cold water.

Did that help?,   Nope.   So, I continued my day;.from 10am to 6pm;.dripping embarrassing perspiration.   Why did you have to do that to me?,   I am so mortified.   Pictures of me are just awful.   I look like I had just stepped out of the shower.   Worse than that;.

I was the FAT, sweating pig.

Love you, too.

Cyndi

Thygraphs from the Edge

There once was a girl from the ‘Springs,

Whose thyroid did various things.

It went Hyper and Hypo, and wouldn’t you know,

Big troubles that gland sure did bring.

,  

The Doc said, “Your mind is the cause,

And you’re in perimenopause.

You’re tired ‘cause you’re old, or so I am told,

And this is the source of your flaws…

,  

“Night sweats and insomnia are normal,

As is disinterest in all things coital.

You are talking nonsense, it’s just inconvenience,

So change your attitude to cheerful…

,  

But Doc, I’m too young for the change!

Can’t you see that my plight is not strange?

My symptoms are as clear as your nose is, my dear,

And my TSH is way out of range!

,  

I finally got help from an Endo,

Who diagnosed me with Hashimoto,

My gland’s still not controlled, and I may need consoled–

But at least I know I’m not psycho!

Robyn

Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines perimenopause as: the period around the onset of menopause that is often marked by various physical signs (as hot flashes and menstrual irregularity).

Thanks Webster!,   I know exactly what to expect.   I am now fully informed.  

Yeah. Not so much.

I think it should be changed to something more realistic.   Suggestions: bend over and kiss your ass as you know it goodbye.   Or:,   your fucked;and not in that happy way.   It seems so much more descriptive. You just know, up front, it’s not gonna be fun.

I’ve seen so many doctors in the last three years it’s insane.   They’re all on my flippin’ cell speed dial.   Some of them have been male doctors.   I’ve decided I don’t like male gynecologists.   I’m not against anyone who prefers them, I just don’t trust them.   It’s like taking your car to a mechanic that’s never owned a car.   How the hell do they know what you’re talking about?,   “You know that ping you get when you;.?”   No! They don’t!,   They studied the book and the insides, but, they don’t have ownership knowledge. I have ownership knowledge.   Fuck the book.   I did learn something from each of them however.   The first thing I learned was to rid myself of a male gynecologist.   Especially the new one at my regular office that looks like Doogie Howser;that’s just way too creepy!

Keep in mind I’m not all that bright, but, I am charming as all hell.   It took me a bit.   Now, when I tell my wonderful female gyno what’s going on, she either laughs her ass off, nods in sympathy, or tells me how to make it through the situation.   She also lets me know when she thinks a symptom is attributed to my hyponess.   Love her!

The second thing I learned is that thyroid disease adds an entirely new dimension to perimenopause. ,  I don’t have a week of PMS anymore.   I’m simply a rocking ass bitch everyday.   At least those around me know what to expect.   No surprises here.   Ok, so the eternally spreading midriff annoys the shit out of me.   I do sit-ups until I’m blue in the face and nothing changes.   I used to have a six pack, now, it just looks like I drink one every day.  

So, I looked up how many calories I’m supposed to have at my age and activity level.   Tried that. Gained weight. Apparently, I’m not allowed to eat, ever;and I run 2 miles everyday (ok, so I fucking trot with my sore old joints, but, that’s inconsequential right now)!,   Hell, all I have to do is look at chocolate cake and I swear I can hear my ass growing.   Sometimes, I look around to see if other people hear it too.   It’s so embarrassing.

I watch the young girls I work with shovel food into their beautiful little bodies and smile.   I just know someday, they’ll be exactly where I am.   Revenge is so sweet sometimes, and calorie free!

Vicki Fluharty

MENOPAUSE SUBMISSIONS

Menopause has been an experience in personal sensuality for me. The heightened awareness of all my senses has led me to experience things that I may have missed in any other time of my life. Let me illustrate for you, and in doing so, maybe you too will open your senses and be flooded with the same experience.

First, the sense of sight: Looking closely in the mirror, I see the laugh lines around my eyes, gee, I must have done a lot of laughing so far, and those lines are pretty deep. Those curious brown spots that take form on my forehead and cheeks; if I use my imagination, I can make pictures like looking up at fluffy clouds on a summer day. I’m wondering what would the picture be if I connected all the dots.

Look at my hair, the silvery crystalline strands that are racing to emerge, some in such a hurry that they just fly out from my scalp “boing!” to stand wiry on their own.

My hands don’t look like the Ivory Liquid daughter’s anymore’ I have moved over to take the grandmother’s place. Sometimes, I think about taking a bath or shower in the dark so I can use my sense of touch a little more and not overwork my eyes.

My body is a lot softer and rounder than it was years ago. Mountains and rolling hills of flesh with caverns to explore. The extra dollops of gel required to foam up and bubble all over me are worth the price. The buoyancy of my breasts and my belly as they float above the water and capture any cool breeze that enters into my sanctuary; Can’t you just feel it? If I don’t indulge myself in this pleasure at least every other day, my sense of smell will overtake all the others.

I can’t smell the pheromones but I know they are there. I’m more attracted to and want to get close to the musky smell of sweat, my sexuality ready to pounce when ; I’m in the mood. Some days it’s all day long that I’m in the hunt of that which will satisfy me. Other days the only thing that I want to sniff is the warm comforting apple crisp coming from the oven. On those days, maybe it’s because I have been overpowered by the smell of urine that escapes my bladder with every sneeze, cough, laugh, twitch, or maybe it’s because I’m uncomfortable from eating the tiniest bit of iceberg lettuce. No one wants me when I cannot stand my own smell.

Many times of the day, I yearn to taste. I want coffee. I want chocolate. Sugary, salty, sour tastes. In the early morning, late at night, my taste buds are ready to take on whatever is on the tip of the spoon, fork or my finger. Give me the smooth creaminess of ice cream, the bloody hot taste of steak. I want to eat all the time!

What a gift menopause is to keep me yearning for something every minute of the day. Bring on the coffee! Just listen to me. My emotions are based on what I hear. Oldie songs, why do I remember the words so well now? Certain songs bring me to tears in a moment. If I don’t like what you say, be prepared. I may have heard you incorrectly, and will fire off expletives like bullets. Mercifully, this doesn’t usually last for long. I usually get hungry again.

Ahhh, menopause. I once heard that when it is over, we go back to being the nice women that we once were. I’m not convinced when menopause is coupled with thyroid disease. I think I was nice once. I cannot remember. Now, the buzzer is going off on the oven. I’m ready for that warm apple crisp.

Kathy Taylor

As l lounged in my deep, bubble-filled tub with the room softly aglow in candlelight and red wine glass in hand, I breathed deeply of the aromatherapy air willing myself to relax—I was distracted by the mound of flesh arising from the glorious heather scented bubbles; but in my haze -and brain all afog from the heady scents swirling around me -I had no immediate cognition of who or what that mound was.

Then as the synapses in my brain began to communicate, realization set in—Holy Shit that mound of flesh is my stomach and it looks like a fucking manatee.

I thought that Northrup lady and Oprah said that was just the thing for the ‘pause—are you fucking kidding me? Have they actually looked at their menpausal bodies in the mirror? note to Oprah and the good dr. wait til the foggy mirror clears and stand in front of it with your eyes actually OPEN-you’ll be hitting that wine bottle, or 2, a little harder after that image. I now understand why my friend- in the throes of the mother of all power surges-tore her shirt off in the prescription line at the local pharmacy and threw herself spread eagle on the cold linoleum floor while waiting for her Synthroid and Prempro to be filled.

As I blew out all the candles, pulled the drain, and slunk out of the tub-feeling for my towel in the dark, I realized 2 things: 1) darkness is my friend and 2) there might not be enough valium, Xanex, prempro or synthroid on this planet that will prepare me for the road ahead;I guess this is what it means to punt;

By Bee

This week’s searches…

  1. I have no mouth and I must scream letter – WE’RE LISTENING. WRITE. WRITE. WRITE, to us now.  PS: Not to jump on the snatch express or anything, but could you elaborate on what happened to your mouth?
  2. What happens if I stop taking my thyroid – Canibilarella, to begin with, you need to STOP eating your thyroid. Let’s start there.
  3. Thyroid +temperament = Dial-a-mental-illness-wheel
  4. Fraternity sorority college wordpress – Dude, are you looking for synthroidegger rush parties? Or taking desiccated thyshooters with your buddies? As Mary Shomon says, Welcome to “Krappa Krappa Glanda”
  5. Touch the ass – Seeing as mine has become a cocktail table, I think a light graze will go unnoticed. Though I’m confident, an fierce, bordering wildly inappropriate grab will get my attention.
  6. okurt – Of course, Dear Thyroid is on Okurt, we’re not thytarded.
  7. Graves’s disease teenagers – Sadly, we have many teenagers with autoimmune thyroid disease and a few have Graves’ disease and we wish they didn’t have to struggle with it, as we wish nobody had to, and especially teens.
  8. Gland Canyon – Hells yeah, I created that. You can buy the “Membership in the Gland Canyon has its Benefits T-shirt”. Do it proud, wouldjya? Send us a pic.
  9. Rage and thyroid – Beautiful combo, ain’t it? Great for socializing with others.
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8 Responses to “Marco Thylo: Thyperimenirific Entries”

  1. Robyn says:

    I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these all. We are some kick ass biotches!

  2. Lolly says:

    I Love them all too I wouldn’t like to pick any winners, you are all winners!!

  3. Bee says:

    WE RULE!!!!!

  4. Bee says:

    Kathy, I do keep the lights on in the bathroom; but now I just keep my eyes closed———-and I forbid any overhead lights on in my house as I’ve figured out that I look better in the dark

  5. Lori says:

    Words that came to mind while reading these Thyperimenirific Entries are…Beautiful, Awesome & Amazing!!!

    How is Mary going to choose???

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