I Thyrrender; Just for Today
I’m so tired, I cannot even cry, so I’ll just take my tissue and tape it to the top of a drinking straw and wave my white flag. I surrender, thyroid. You win. Well, maybe just for today.
Why, oh why did I think, even just an teensy weensy bit that MY visit to the endocrinologist might be different; that my doctor might be someone who would listen and at least validate my concerns; that my endo might want to discuss how I am feeling and critically think just for a minute that things are not right with you or me?
During one of my nights when insomnia had inserted toothpicks in my eyes to keep them painfully open, I put together a time line of my health history from day one when I was born until today. I looked back over my life and could see how you could have influenced my entire system for the last 50 years!
Well, this doctor did not want to see or hear any of this. I was happy to see that she practiced good hygiene practice by washing her hands, but she went overboard. She took my pulse. She washed her hands. She touched my neck. She washed her hands. Oops; she touched my leg when she checked my reflexes; she washed her hands. She washed her hands while she was waiting for the ultrasound machine to warm up. Carefully avoiding any eye contact with me, I felt like I had leprosy, never mind a thyroid problem.
The ultrasound showed that my thyroid has one side smaller than the other, otherwise all else appears normal. My half assed gland still has some function. Well, that’s good. I can deal with that. But, why do I still feel so awful?! I attempted to share some of my ‘this year’ on the time line paper and she stated “I don’t want to see that. I have this. This tells me what’s going on, and your thyroid is just fine”.
My facial expression apparently gave away how I was feeling, and this doctor said “Well, I guess you’re not happy with what I’ve said. What more do you want me to say?”
My reply “I am SO frustrated! Tell me, how would YOU feel if you had gained 50 pounds in three months, if you couldn’t think, and function, if insomnia gripped half your nights? How would you feel if you couldn’t take medicines because they all give you adverse reactions?”
She just shrugged her shoulders and said “I don’t know. I think you need sleep. You look exhausted” And, if you just lose a little weight, well, that will help, too”.
She then told me to take my Levothyroxine as ordered. She said that she would follow up with recommending a sleep study. Her last words “Oh, you can leave by the back door”.
I wanted to cry so badly, but I fought it, down the elevator, down the stairs and out the door. I felt and still feel so fat, stupid and worthlessÃ¢â‚¬”totally without value. Exactly the reason that I have shied away from the doctors for so long. The question that goes over and over and over in my head, “Why bother??”
Today, I surrender. Thyroid, you win. But just for today. Just for today, I will dig in with both swollen feet and cry and celebrate just how badly I do feel. Just let it happen. But, tomorrow, watch out. I have plans for you. I’m too tired right now, but I am going to surround myself with people and things that will lift me up higher and higher to get away from you. I will work at making myself healthier; one step at a time. Just give me today. Please leave me alone. Just for today. I’m tired.
(Bio) When 54 year old Kathy Taylor is in a good place, she loves to listen, laugh, read and celebrate every day. Kathy is in a not so good place right now. She is going to hide under the bed for a few days. She’ll be back. Just wait and see.