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The Wacky Days Start at 6AM

Post Published: 15 July 2010
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Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 9 responses. Leave a comment

Fake Thyroid

This is my first letter to you. It will not be my last. It has been one year and three months since my papillary thyroid cancer diagnosis. It feels like 20 years! I’ve had three surgeries and one bout of RAI, which I call “supermassive black hole” nuclear hell within this timeframe. I have never felt more alone in my life. All of these crazy symptoms, (currently hyper and up at 6AM) and also STILL dealing with the pain and swelling from my third surgery on March 25th, are freaking me out! I am also out of work. I want to work. I NEED to be around people because I love talking and working with people. I have crappy support from family because that’s how it just is. I’m trying my best to deal with my “fake” thyroid, Syn(Sin)-Thyroid. Money is very tight and I need financial support. I may have to sell my car that I love and get something cheaper. I shouldn’t have to do that! I don’t want to leave out my wonderful friends. They’ve been very supportive in dealing with my wackiness. I tend to write messages or email friends when I’m struggling during my wacky days.

Why am I up before 6 AM? I wonder how many crunches I can do or how long I can run around the block? I was so worried last night about this swollen gland under and to the side of my chin. I kept thinking, ” What is my thyroglobulin blood level doing right now as I wait until August because I am still recovering from surgery?” And, “Is this swollen gland thing on the side of my chin, that is kind of numb, like my long scar on my numb neck, part of the healing process?” Or is it a lymph node that’s bad? I was told that I may be getting a cold……my arse! Maybe it is a cold, I don’t know……I HAVE TO WAIT.

My endocrinology specialist says that my TSH hormone level is low and that is how she wants it. I feel like I am like a ping-pong ball moving back and forth super fast and I get irritated very quick with some of the people in this world when I go out and do my “thing” in public. Then I need to take a nap since I’m still recovering. It’s only been three months since my surgery when I had over 20 lymph nodes (good and bad) removed. By the way, did I mention that I’ve been filling out applications with long essays for school districts every day and I had two interviews within the last two weeks? Nothing yet. I wonder if people notice anything “different” about me. I also need to say that I just turned 35 on July 4th. I really needed to go on a vacation but as previously stated, I’m financially strapped. And no, I don’t want to get into it…

Michelene

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9 Responses to “The Wacky Days Start at 6AM”

  1. Linny says:

    My dear you are so brave, friends are more caring than family in my case too. You have all of us who care about you too. You have so much determination in you I sense this in your story. You will find your way. I can tell people like being around you. Gather them up and have a tea party for yourself! Let them all bring a little something. Heal first and I just feel your desire to work will come. My best to you, Linny xxxxxxooooooo

  2. Michelene says:

    Thank you Linny:)) By the way, the finances are getting straightened out slowly as I have called ACS. My car will be fine. Sometimes my determination can “get in the way” of my healing process…I’m listening to my body more lately:)

  3. Donna says:

    Hi Micheline,

    I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time sweetie. It is hard and it does suck. You have been through plenty. All that you are experiencing is something many of us can relate to. Hyper really can make you feel anxious. I have been there and it was not pretty. The waiting is a pain in the ass. It is okay to get disgusted with the process. Feel anyway you want but know that in time you will get to a better place.

    I have experienced the pain in the jaw and neck and have learned that it could be related to your salivary glands and drainage? The doctors and people here have said the same. Some of us think it is a side effect of the RAI. Mine is on the left side and comes and goes so I don’t worry about it nor do my doctors but if yours stays there you should talk to your doctor.

    My deepest wish for you is that you understand that in time you will control this disease, it will not control you. You already know so much so I doubt that you will let this take you down. I know that it sounds easier said than done because when you feel like crap it is hard to stay positive. Your cancer has been a life altering experience. Eventually you will heal and you will get those levels where they need to be for you.

    There are brilliant, loving and kind people here who have similar experiences. Please lean on us and let us help you get to a better place.

    Good luck with everything. I hope you find a job you love. Financial strain at the same time does not help anything.

    Hugs,
    Donna xo

  4. Hey Michelene! Thank you for sharing this letter with us. You’ve been through so much in a year and to have to keep waiting must be unbearable. I HATE the waiting part. It’s so hard.

    Like Donna said, RAI can cause salivary glands to swell. I have one the right side of my neck that is huge and I’ve had one on the left side swell up, too. Personally speaking, if I don’t feel I can wait until my next appointment to talk to my doctor about something, I don’t. I call and get an answer to help me keep the fear at bay.

    To further reiterate what Donna said, you have cancer; cancer does not have you. And remember, we are here for you every step of the way!

    xoxo,
    Joanna

  5. Michelene says:

    Thank you guys, I am at a loss for words. I did go to the doc to get it checked out last week and it seems normal for the lymph/salivary gland healing process. It’s just uncomfortable. I’m not one for a “pity party”…..that’s why I’m having a loss for words..thank you all:))

  6. Michelene, I’m so glad you went to the doc to get it checked out!!

  7. Bee says:

    strong, brave girl—-since you’ve found Dear Thyroid you don’t have to worry about having your own pity party, you have all of us to do that for you. In fact, I propose that DT start a new service: anyone feeling down and blue just needs to make that particular announcement and we thyrellas and fellas will come to the rescue-we’ve gotten so good at whining about our illness (bcuz dammit sometimes it makes us feel better)that we will offer the service-free of charge- to you. Thus, I’m at your service today, Ms.Micheline, I hate that you have Ca, I’m so sorry you feel alone thru this and I’m sure you will kick its mother-lovin’ ass Go Girl!!!

  8. Michelene!

    Wow. Girl, I hear you. I can completely understand what you’re going through. Support or lack thereof can sometimes suck, but as long as you get support somewhere, that’s all that matters. I’m so glad you have such good friends who love you and are encouraging you throughout your cancer battle.

    I think that little lump on the side of your chin is probably just scar tissue from your incision. Either it will go away in time, or it will just kind of chill out there. The good thing about papillary thyroid cancer is that it takes a long time to spread itself. If that little bump is cancer, then it won’t go far, in any case. And don’t worry; give your doctors a little bit of credit. They will do what they can to help get rid of this crap. And if they don’t, find doctors who WILL.

    You can ALWAYS contact me if you need ANYTHING. I’m on Facebook under the Dear Thyroid page. Look me up!

    Love and thyblessings,
    Dorienne

  9. HDinOregon says:

    Michelene,

    I am so sorry to hear about all you went through. Cancer sucks! (and I know from experience, see: http://www.hd-una.com/hd-cancer.html)

    I had two lumps thought to be cysts (the word now give me major shivers). Both cysts turned out to be different cancers. Don’t want to scare you, but if something grows where it ain’t supposed to grow – please, please see you doctor and ask him/her to check into it. My docs thought my cysts were harmless, till one doctor finally thought I should have it checked (by doing a biopsy).

    And if you are not sure about the opinion of your doctor, by all means, get a second opinion. It is your right. It is your life.

    I hope your doctor is checking your thyroglobulin levels, it is a really good indicator if some remnant thyroid cells (which could be cancerous) are left in your body.

    Like others said before me, if you need help or just want to talk, I too am on FaceBook on the DT Page.

    Hang in there!

    Sending healing thoughts and wishes your way!

    {{{{ Hugs }}}}

    HD in Oregon

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