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Tuesday February 19th 2019


Fat Thigh-roid Woes: Ass-plosion Central

Post Published: 06 August 2010
Category: Column, Fat Thigh Roid Woes, Graves Disease Symptoms Column
This post currently has 17 responses. Leave a comment

Poop.  It’s something everyone does, but is rarely discussed in public.  Maybe men are allowed to discuss it the older they get, but women are nearly banned from the act.  I know plenty of men who deny women take dumps, and if they find out a woman so much as farts – sexual attraction takes a hit.  Dating becomes increasingly difficult if you have gas, and you find yourself excusing yourself to go “fix my lipstick” for the upteenth time in the bathroom.

When looking up symptoms of Graves, you will find “Frequent Bowel Movements” as a symptom.  I guess that’s a delicate way of saying, “You will be bent over on a toilet, crying your eyes out – and anywhere you go that a bathroom isn’t near will bring you to sheer panic.”

What does Graves Disease do to poop you ask?  It waters it down, and your vocab becomes littered with interesting terminology to describe poop – “brb, gotta bust out some ass piss”, “I have the trots” and “seatbelt diarrhea kept me up all night” are some of my faves.

My old roommate can describe the entrance I made nightly into my home.  I’d run in, throw my purse down on the floor and sprint to the bathroom – sometimes I’d have sunglasses still on, or sometimes there was no time to even throw my purse down and I’d be on the can holding it.

Out of the myriad of shitty symptoms with Graves, I find the poop one to be up there as one of the most disturbing.  Aside from Graves already making me socially awkward with the psychosis, the poop situation was a nightmare to add on top of the awkwardness.  The double edged sword of always being hungry so always needing to find food, yet, ALWAYS having to explode a minute after eating made living unbearable.

Here it is:  I have sharted my pants because of this disease. Like a child.  Like a fucking baby.  Did I cry? Later, after the terror sank in.  First thought?  “FUCK ME, what do I do now?”

I’m willing to bet some have you have either been in this situation, or very near to being in this situation.  Mind you, I didn’t make it a habit to shit myself (even as a toddler, I would hide behind a curtain when going poo in my diapers cause I was so bashful about public dumps) but thanks to Graves – everything was fair game.  I know people with IBS and Crohns have probably been in this situation, and hey, Celiacs too!  Even if it didn’t happen a lot, there were too many close calls.  I have some ways to cope in case you’re at a loss:

  • Carry a sweatshirt with you, an extra pair of pants, and damn underwear in your car at all times.  The sweatshirt comes in handy in case you need to wrap it around your waist in an emergency, it also helps whenever you go out and sweat through your pants – I used it to cover up the sweat stains all the time.  Damn those were the days.
  • If you’re lucky enough to be near facilities, then bravo – you might’ve managed to avoid social suicide by not crapping your jeans.  How do you excuse yourself without making people/your date believe you’re running to the bathroom with bulimia?  First, wipe the pained look off your face.  Poker face is essential when a watery log is about to ruin your life at The Cheesecake Factory on a Friday night.  Make up some excuse that requires the restroom.  I happen to be more blunt than most of the people I know, so I just go with the “I had a lot of water today” bit, but if urination is still embarrassing for you to bring up – go with “I can’t get this eyelash out of my eye, and it’s driving me crazy.” in which case, I suggest carrying eye drops to make the story more plausible.  You could also bust out the whole “I have to make a call, and I don’t want to be rude and do it at the table…” politely excuse yourself, and RUN as quickly as possible.
  • Once you’re in the restroom, there is a whole other set of possibly embarrassing circumstances just waiting to happen.  Let’s be real, Graves made it possible for me to crap anywhere without giving a fuck who was there – but if you’re still uncomfortable with dropping a deuce within earshot of the general public….I can’t believe I am saying this, but aside from the obvious “courtesy flush”…attempt to make your blasts as silent as the night.  I developed that skill after two years of bathroom humiliation.  I wish I could tell you how, but it involves talent and a desire to remain anonymous.  By the way, don’t moan on the toilet either, I fucking hate people that moan when crapping.  It’s a disgusting dead giveaway you’re giving birth in the next stall; nothing worse than a woman sitting 2 feet away from me, ripping her ass every which way possible, and moaning an orgasmic “uhhhh, uuuhhh UUHH” the entire time.  Makes me want to blow my brains out x 10.
  • Don’t fart unless you’re on the toilet.  Farting can lead to “sharting” and that’s never pleasant.  With Graves, you can never be sure if the one you’re about to rip is really going to be just harmless gas – so you’re better off holding it in until you’re hovering above a can..but, if you consider yourself a risk taker and are okay with accidently crapping your pants then by all means…FART AWAY!
  • I don’t personally endorse this next possibility, but if you’re desperate – you can try some meds for stopping diarrhea in its tracks.  NOTE: It NEVER worked for me, but maybe it’ll work for you.  I just hate the thought of bottling up poisons in my system, and farting “cotton ball farts” after taking those chemicals.  But, desperate times…

Anyways, my dearest DT dearies, I think this is about as honest as I could get…maybe too honest?  Who can say?  I hesitated in writing this because of my sense of pride, along with my precarious ladylike position in society.  But, I figured that there was probably at least one of you out there dealing with the same messy issue, and if there was any way I could help – whether it be advice on how to deal, or just to even let you know that “Hey, I’ve BEEN THERE” – then it’s worth it.  PS?  If a guy I’m ever interested in reads this, I suppose I can kiss him goodbye (if he’ll let me) after finding out about my watery diarrhea filled past.  Or, maybe he’ll fall in love with my brave words…ahh, that would be something.



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17 Responses to “Fat Thigh-roid Woes: Ass-plosion Central

  1. Amanda says:

    And my Friday is complete, with this mind reading article. While I am feeling great/better with the meds, this poo situation is killing me. Not so bad as before, but still to the point where I want to hold an office meeting and suggest we move the ladies room to an outhouse type of thing in the back 40 acres. The design of my “old barn converted into an office building” is awesome. The ladies room is 5 feet from the owners office. No amount of fan running, courtesy flushing or coughing hides this butt blast. So I wait and hope and pray and sometimes use the mens room because that seems like it would be ok.

    I have used that imonium stuff, with good results in stopping the situation… but creating another in the opposite direction which in turn recreates the first situation. Quite a party.

    I have a spare wardrobe in my trunk, including shoes and a box of baby wipes. Just like when the kids were little and would spit up on me.

    I hate this on so many levels, because my mom has colitis and denies it. We have spent soooooo many hours in the car racing her home [only place she can potty] because she suddenly has a belly ache. Of all of her afflictions, I never thought I would get the one that sucks the most.

    Yay. And yes, I will ask my doc about this on next visit.

    Thank you for sharing, it wasn’t too much. Just enough.


    • Nicole Wells says:

      Dear Amanda,

      See, told ya we’re not alone in this. The poop situation is just one of those damn things people have a hard time talking about, therefore, sooo many of us feel alone with this particular symptom.

      I feel for you, especially with the ladies room situation at your work. I had the same issue at my old job, the restroom was tiled and located in this echoing hallway. I’d be on the can, blasting like a rocket ship into the air, while my clients walked by outside. Worst experience ever.

      Please take care of yourself, this too shall pass!!



  2. Danita says:

    Bravo. I’m a huge fan of brutal honesty, so you get my applause, empathy, and a big hug, sharts and all.

  3. Donna says:

    I smiled, I laughed, I ran to the bathroom, lol! Seriously though I realize that since my shit has been screwed up so have I. I know now that being hyper affects my poop and my digestive system. I was not putting that together for awhile either. We learn as we go, no pun intended. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • Nicole Wells says:

      Dear Donna,

      Yeah, it took me awhile to figure out the Graves was causing it. At first, I was convinced it was something I was eating. Then, I realized, nay…it wasn’t the apple I just ate that is making me run this way.

      I’m happy I shared my “shitty” experience with everyone, the bond is now complete. It’s like we’ve all been dating long enough now for me to be over the top honest. : )



  4. Rock says:

    LOLOL OMG! i have never laughed so hard reading in my whole life (and you know how much reading i do). seriously, i’m literally laughing as i type this. that was 1 in a million. too many amazing 1 liners to list.

  5. Regina says:

    Thanks for the laugh. I, unfortunately, have the opposite problem. I am so full of crap my blue eyes are now brown.

  6. HDinOregon says:


    What a great article! Fartastic! And brutally olfactorily honest!

    Well, done!


  7. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Dear Thyroid, Dear Thyroid. Dear Thyroid said: NEW! "Fat Thigh-roid Woes: Ass-plosion Central", #GravesDisease column, written by Nicole Wells! Funny/Sadly true http://bit.ly/9Da1SL […]

  8. Nicole Wells says:

    Dear Regina,

    Hahha, I’m sorry! What do you do to try and alleviate the problem? Do you eat more roughage? How does this work? I’ve never had a constipation issue, EVER. Even before Graves I was a regular type of gal…not trying to make you jealous : ) just wondering what one does naturally in this situation. However, I do notice that if I don’t eat veggies I have a harder time going. Good stuff.



  9. Bee says:

    Late to the party as usual—I’m (Possibly hashi) hypo-but am dealing with this exact issue as we speak. I’ve NEVER been regular but I had learned to deal with the other end of the spectrum- the not going part- for most of my adult life. Take it from someone who has learned their lesson: IT IS NOT ALRIGHT TO NOT CRAP ON A DAILY BASIS.PERIOD!!!! I am now dealing with the repercussions from ” all those years” of saying that this was normal FOR ME that when my bowels decided to go thru the change I was ill-prepared. I don’t particularly like crapping daily. I especially don’t like crapping hourly- every 15 minutes becomes an abhorration. I know the bathroom locations of every establishment that’s opened on my early morning ride into work. I have considered wearing depends. I’m afraid to use our bathrooms in our office because there are signs specifically stating that if we require the use of the facility for anything other than urination, we are to move outside the office and down the hall.As I’m never sure just what will be coming out of my openings at any given time, I’m never sure which stall to frequent. We certainly do not want our co-workers to be subjected to our smells. This is HUMILIATION OF THE UTMOST CALIBER. I’ve considered inventing a butt plug but someone would figure out how to use it pornographically and I am not strong enough to add yet another humiliation to my growing list…you’re right, we are not alone!!

    • Nicole Wells says:

      Dear Bee,

      I’m sorry this is happening to you, have you talked to your doctor about this? If the poop situation is messing with your daily life, then a solution must be found!

      I fully understand where you’re coming from…take care!



  10. Bee says:

    Nicole-I am in close communication with my GI doc as I have now reached the constipation end of the spectrum…heard of a new disorder: mucus colitis,,,sounds about right…goes along with the new probable fibromyalgia diagnosis— flexible sigmoid will be happening when the inflammation clears up-whenver that may be. AND I CAN NOT BELIEVE I AM SPEAKING SOOOOO FREELY ABOUT MY BOWEL PROBLEMS. I HAVE NO SHAME

  11. Nicole, I am sorry I’m so late reading this article. BUT, you had me in stitches! Girl, this is HILARIOUS stuff. I love your honesty. THANK YOU for being honest and real. And thank you for making me laugh out loud. You’re awesome.


  12. Nick M says:

    Great article, loved every (crappy) bit! I have similar GI issues, but not always so constant as what you describe. Good luck in finding a solution to your issues, everyone deserves to not have to keep an eye on the bathroom everytime they shovel a bit of food in their mouths.

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